Mass Effect Abridged
by Liquid
Summary: Brace yourselves for a shameless parody of the first Mass Effect game, where nothing is sacred and you never know what these idiots are going to do next. Is Commander Jane Shepard up to the task? This is my first Mass Effect story, so reviews are appreciated.
1. Prologue Her Name Is Shepard

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Prologue: Her name is Shepard**

_In the year 2148, explorers on Mars drunkenly stumbled upon the remains of an ancient spacefaring civilization. The artifacts that weren't destroyed during the mosh-pit revealed technology that allowed travel to the farthest stars by means of warping the fabric of space much like putting a spoon in the microwave. They called it the greatest discovery in human history. However, the civilizations of the galaxy just face-palmed and declared 'there goes the neighborhood.'_

_ Now, in the year 2183:_

The obnoxious cat-calls from the male crew members of the space vessel Normandy SR1 could be heard echoing through the halls as Commander Jane Shepard made her way to the bridge. She had become used to them after spending so long in the Alliance Military, but was more concerned with trying to keep the outrageously skin-tight female combat uniform from riding up her ass. Between that and the heeled-combat boots it was a wonder that she could walk at all, and by the time she reached the bridge, the ship's pilot was already dropping out of FTL. Everyone jumped a little as a small satellite shattered against the view screen, but then everything was good as they came to a stop. At the helm was the pilot, Joker, who was joined by a Taurian named Nihlus, and another human named Kaiden, who was tragically born without a personality.

"Well, we're here and we didn't die." Nihlus said. "Pretty good for a human."

"No, beating Mike Tyson's Punch-out in one try is good." Joker replied. "I just flew us half way across the galaxy and even had time to notify maintenance about that Anaconda in the air ducts."

Suddenly there was a horrific scream from behind, and they all turned around just in time to see a maintenance worker's legs vanish into an air duct.

"Oh – knew I forgot something." Joker continued. "Anyway, I just made this jump like a frickin boss, and you should all bow before me and sing your praise to the greatest pilot to ever exist. Anytime you're ready."

"Greatest pilot, huh?" Nihlus asked. "Well, I'm a Council Spectre. That means I could throw you on the ground and rape you in front of all these people, and no one would save you because I'm above the law. Now ask me out on a date – and do it like I'm a sexy girl."

Joker nervously looked at everyone else around the room, and back at the still waiting Nihlus. He then cleared his throat and fidgeted around in his chair for a second before nervously beginning to talk.

"No!" Nihlus interrupted before he could say anything. "I would never go out with you! Because you're a loser – and I'm a sexy girl!"

With that, Nihlus turned around and stomped angrily away from the bridge, leaving Joker relieved yet very confused at the same time.

"I really hate that guy." He said.

"Maybe you're just not his type." Kaiden suggested. "You know, I just snort Zoloft when I get rejected – and during my lunch break – and right before bed."

"You guys all just need to relax." Shepard said. "Kaiden – you suck at life – and Joker, the real reason you're mad is because Captain Anderson wouldn't get you a shake when he had you pick him up a Happy Meal."

"Where the fuck is my toy, Joker?!" Anderson's voice demanded on the intercom. "There is supposed to be a God damn Transformers action figure in each McDonalds Happy meal, which means either I got ripped off, or you took my toy for your own usage! Either way, someone's going out the airlock for this!"

A quick alarm sounded throughout the ship, and a few seconds later everyone gasped as a crewmember floated past the view screen while going through rapid decompression. The alarm stopped once the imploded corpse was out of sight, and then the intercom crackled again.

"I feel a lot better now." Anderson's voice continued. "Commander Shepard, meet me in the briefing room – and tell Joker that my missing toy is coming right out of his allowance."

"Aw, man." Joker whined as the intercom went dead. "Why the hell does everyone always blame me when these things happen?"

"I'd rather know why female armor is so damn tight." Shepard replied as she tried again to adjust the suit. "It's bad enough I'm walking around in a form-fitting cat suit, but it's like they purposely made it two sizes too small."

"Oh, that's just to give fan-boys a charge." Kaiden explained. "You know, the same reason why the camera zooms in on your ass if you move it as far down as possible."

Shepard looked at him as if she were confused, but then shrugged and started walking away from the bridge. The briefing room was only a short distance from there, past the command center and oversized galaxy map, but she was interrupted as an older balding officer with grey hair stepped into her path.

"Well, if it isn't our lovely First Officer." He said. "I still can't believe the Alliance is allowing women to be in command positions. Daddy isn't coming back no matter how rebellious or promiscuous you are, so why don't you just find yourself a man?"

"Why, have you seen one around here, Presley?" Shepard asked. "Anything you can do, I can do backwards and in heels – some of which are larger than your dick, I might add. Now step off before I turn your wife into a lesbian. Oh, wait – I already did. You mad, bro?"

Presley stood there for a few seconds as if trying to come up with something to say back to that, but instead huffed loudly as he walked away. This allowed Shepard to continue toward the briefing room where Nihlus was standing in front of the view screen, looking at the image of a planet.

"Shhh, enter quietly." He whispered as she joined him. "To stalk a prey such as this requires perfect stealth, and as a Spectre one must always be on the lookout for danger around every corner."

He then balled up his fist and punched her in the ear, quickly turning back to the screen before she could look at him.

"Ow!" Shepard yelled as she put her hand on her ear. "Did you just punch me in the ear?!"

"No." He replied innocently. "Don't be ridiculous."

Shepard rubbed her ear for a second before turning back to the view screen, only to cry out in surprise as Nihlus did it again. This time she kicked him in the shin, making him groan and hop on one foot as Captain Anderson walked into the room.

"What the hell is going on in here?" He demanded as he walked up to them.

"He punched me in the ear, Captain." Shepard replied. "Twice."

"I did no such thing." Nihlus said while showing fake surprise. "Captain, I'm afraid that your First Officer is unstable; symptoms include being an emotional train wreck, and a strong tendency to cause trouble."

"Ah, Female Hysteria, is it?" The Captain replied. "Shepard, I thought I told you to get that under control. Honestly, if I wanted to spend all day with a woman who is emotionally unstable, I'd stay home with my wife."

"I heard_ that_." Nihlus said.

They did a high-five and started laughing, while Shepard did her best to tune-out the several minutes of chauvinistic jokes and stories that followed. Eventually they calmed down enough to be understood, so she started listening again.

"So she says; _that was my sister, you idiot_." Anderson finished. "Anyhow, sexual conquests aside, I have good news for you, Shepard: Humanity is trying to become a more imposing force in the galaxy, and to do that we are trying to get one of us admitted into the Spectres. Not only were you the sole survivor of what happened on Akuze, even though I think you just hid until the danger passed, but you are also the main character of this story, so we forwarded your name."

"And that's why I'm here." Nihlus added as he put his arm around her. "Today's mission will be the first of several where I evaluate you, and just so you know – it wouldn't hurt your chances any if you just happened to show up at my quarters tonight with a bottle of Brandy and wearing nothing but a smile. I'm just saying."

"Gee, thanks Nihlus." Shepard said as she stepped away from him. "But I think I'd rather masturbate with a cheese-grater. So what is the actual mission out here?"

Anderson started to say something, but was interrupted as one of the buttons near the view screen started beeping. So he pushed it, and the screen changed to show a group of human soldiers under attack by unknown forces. One of them tried to say something, but only the words Eden Prime could be understood before there was a flash of light, resulting in the camera rolling across the ground. It came to a stop facing upward, and there was a quick image of a gigantic ship that looked like a purple giant squid hovering in the air before the transmission cut off.

"What the hell was that?" Shepard asked.

"It was the call to adventure, that's what!" Nihlus yelled. "This is _way_ better than that bullshit mission we came out here to do, so set course for Eden Prime!"

"Yes!" Anderson added. "Joker set course for Eden Prime. We're going to dive into the unknown horrors with no idea what's going on, and emerge victorious like in that movie _Black Hawk Down_!"

"They weren't victorious in that movie." Shepard argued. "That had to be the most poorly planned operation in human history, and they got their asses kicked because they sent in like ten guys against a city filled with 50,000 screaming Somolians."

Anderson and Nihlus just looked at her for a second.

"Shepard, what did I tell you about that Female Hysteria?" Anderson asked. "Besides, they don't even _have_ Somolians on Eden Prime, so just do what the men tell you and everything will be alright."

He then patted her on the head before exiting the room with Nihlus, leaving Shepard alone to fight off the headache caused by their ignorance.


	2. Ch 1 The Mission Begins

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter One: The Mission Begins**

"Ok, here's the plan." Anderson said once the officers were assembled in the briefing room. "Eden Prime has been attacked by forces unknown, so we are going in there to take ass and kick names."

"Don't you mean _kick ass and take names_, Captain?" One of the officers asked.

"Don't question me, bitch. Guards, take him to the medical bay and give him an enema."

The officer got up to run away, but the guards had him before he could get anywhere. He screamed as they dragged him out of the briefing room, and Anderson waited until this noise could no longer be heard before continuing. He then activated the view screen, showing a view of the Eden Prime colony from above.

"Ok, we are going to split up our forces for this one." He continued. "Nihlus is hardcore, so he is going to scout ahead while giving updates to Shepard who will be leading everyone else."

"Sounds good, Captain." Shepard replied. "I'll need three squads of eight men to assault the main compound, another unit of the same size to cover the rear gate, and one more squad to secure the landing site in case we need to get out in a hurry. We can take positions based on Nihlus scouting, and hopefully take the enemy completely by surprise while saving as many colonists as possible."

Everyone just looked at her with confusion as she finished, while a few officers rolled their eyes, snickered to each other, or just walked out of the room while shaking their heads.

"Well, um." Anderson said. "This plan is certainly, um – creative?"

"Don't church it up, Captain, her plan sucks." Presley replied as he stood up. "This is what you get for letting a woman be in charge of things. Specialized squads, coordinated attacks – next she'll want us to wash our hands after using the bathroom."

Shepard started to say something, but was interrupted by the groans of agreement coming from the rest of the officers in the room.

"Alright now, let's not be too hard on the girl." Presley continued. "After all, her brain _is _smaller than ours, so here is a _real_ plan: Nihlus's part is good, but Shepard stands a much better chance for success if she only takes two people – um, Kaiden and that new guy that no one cares about – and they assault the main entrance to the colony because no one would ever see that coming."

Shepard started to protest, but was again drowned out, this time by the cheers and standing ovation from the other officers as Presley took a bow. Everyone seemed to be happy with this plan, so they left the room as Shepard's protests continued to be drowned out, and a few seconds later only Anderson and Nihlus were left with her.

"Captain, there's like fifty people on this ship." She argued. "We have enough for my plan to work, and I don't know why they-

She was interrupted as Nihlus suddenly hugged her tightly, while shushing her and stroking her hair.

"Shhh, it's alright, Shepard." He said softly. "It's just that unlike me, most men don't find it oddly arousing when women try to make male decisions. So how about you and me go back to my quarters and forget this ever happened?"

Shepard responded by ramming her forehead into his, before pushing Nihlus away and kicking him in the groin. He groaned like a zombie, falling to his knees as Shepard stormed out of the room.

"Nihlus, are you alright?" Anderson asked once she was gone.

"Yeah, I'm good." He groaned as he made a failed attempt to stand. "I tell you – I'm gonna marry that girl someday."

_About six hours later._

Shepard and Nihlus adjusted their combat helmets as they stood near the loading door at the back of the ship, and soon they were joined by Kaiden and some new guy whose name no one could remember. All of them were wearing parachutes, and now it was just a matter of time for the mission to begin.

"Now approaching Eden Prime." Joker's voice announced over the intercom. "Engaging stealth systems."

Suddenly the ship rocked violently to the side as an internal explosion was heard, and the lights started to flicker as an alarms sounded.

"Well, that wasn't supposed to happen." Joker's voice continued. "Alright, I guess we're going without the stealth this time – and also without the men's bathroom – or the five people who were in there when it decompressed."

The ship righted itself a few seconds later, and then the loading door slowly opened to show that they were in Eden Prime's atmosphere.

"You know, Shepard." Nihlus said as he walked up to her. "It's kinda romantic, this being our first mission and all, so how about a little good luck kiss?"

"Sure, why not?" She replied sweetly. "Now close your eyes."

He closed them and puckered up as much as his species was able, and then Shepard pulled the rip-cord of his parachute, making him scream as the updraft pulled him out of the ship. Soon it was time for the rest of them to jump, and the cutscene didn't feel the need to elaborate on this, so they instantly found themselves on the ground with parachutes already off as the Normandy flew back into orbit.

"Nihlus, come in." Shepard said into the receiver. "Do you have a visual on the colony yet?"

"Hey, babe – I knew you'd come crawling back." Nihlus's voice replied. "It's funny; you want to know the colony's status, and I want to know what color panties you're wearing, so – how about we help each other out with that?"

Shepard took a few deep breaths to calm down, and after a little bit of pacing around, she was ready to talk to him again.

"Look Nihlus, I know you're really trying." She said. "And your, um, _charm_ might have worked on me when I was in Junior High. However, we have a mission to do, so how about we just stick to that for now?"

"Mmmm, I love it when _my_ woman tries to take charge." He replied. "It makes me want to touch myself – in fact, that's a pretty good idea. So why don't you be a good girl and breathe heavy for me so that I can-

Shepard stopped him by turning off the receiver, and then she had to bite into her glove to keep from screaming as she started pacing around again.

"Alright, we'll investigate the colony ourselves." She said sharply. "Kaiden, you go investigate over that way, and new guy – do whatever the hell it is that you do. God, I cannot believe the nerve of that guy!"

"Hey, Commander." The new guy said as Kaiden walked away. "I know Nihlus can be a pain, but we need to work with him on this mission, so why don't you just admit that you have feelings for him?"

Shepard said nothing, instead responding to this insult by drawing her pistol and holding it into the new guy's throat as she shoved him up against a nearby boulder. Kaiden started to come over and investigate, but then Shepard aimed her weapon at him for a second, making him go about his business.

"Who the fuck are you to say anything about me?" She demanded. "You've been on the Normandy for about a week, and nobody even knows your name. So how dare you even _suggest _that I could be attracted to that walking male-cliché?"

"You're right, Commander, no one knows me." The new guy replied. "Hell, no one even notices that I'm there half the time, like when I was standing in the corridor near Nihlus's quarters a few hours before the mission."

_About four hours earlier._

Shepard kept looking around to make sure that no one was there as she silently made her way down the corridor, and she even took time to reach up and face the security cameras the wrong way. Yet, somehow she didn't notice as she walked right past the new guy, and she looked around one more time before knocking on the door. It slid open after the first knock, and there stood Nihlus.

"Well, if it isn't my future ex-wife." He said while leaning in the doorway. "I knew you couldn't resist a stud like me for much longer."

"God, Nihlus, will you just shut up?" Shepard replied. "You have to be the most arrogant, self-centered, egotistical, immature, and ignorant male-stereotype that I've ever met."

"I don't consider myself egotistical. Proud, maybe – but if I'm so bad, then why are you at my door? You're _my _girl, Shepard, now come here and kiss me so we can-

He was interrupted as she suddenly slapped him in the mouth, and then after a second of hesitation he slapped her right back. They just glared at each other for a while, and then Shepard ran at him. She leapt into his arms as they started kissing, and her legs went around his waist, causing them to fall to the floor. The new guy just stood there wide-eyes as he watched them, and then he took out his phone, making sure to take another pic every few seconds.

"That was better than _anything _on the internet." The new guy continued as he took out his phone to show her. "I must've taken over a thousand pics, but I only kept the best ones. See, here's you undressing him with your teeth – and here's him holding you upside down in the air – and I don't even _know _what kind of position this one is. How did you manage to do that with just your-

Suddenly Shepard pulled the phone out of his hand and tossed it into the air, where she blasted it into a million pieces with her pistol. She was about to pistol-whip him into a coma, but suddenly there was an electronic whirring sound as a pair of floating sentry drones came out from behind a nearby tree. Shepard dove out of the way as they both opened fire, but the new guy was shot over a dozen times before collapsing. The drones then went after her, but she managed to duck behind another large rock, where she shot one of them down. The other one continued to fire at her, making it impossible for her to do anything, but then some more gunfire came from behind the drone, and it was destroyed a second later.

"What happened?" Kaiden asked as he reloaded his assault rifle. "How did they spot us?"

"Oh, the, um – new guy gave away our position." She said nervously. "No time for that, though. The enemy knows we're here, so we gotta move out."

There was no time to do anything for the new guy until the mission was finished, so they just left him there as they made their way down the first path they saw.


	3. Ch 2 Ashley

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Two: Ashley**

"_The lone Specter agent silently moves toward his objective_." Nihlus whispered to himself as he moved toward the colony. "_He's a total badass with balls of solid steel, who only accepts the most dangerous missions other Specters won't take, because he's bad to the bone da na naa naa na na_."

He reached the edge of the colony a few moments later, but there was surprisingly little movement as he crouched behind a series of cargo crates.

"_Any moment could be his last, so what keeps him going_?" He continued. "_Is it the fame_? _The power_? _The dental plan_? _No, it's because at the end of the day Commander Jane Shepard will be waiting for him naked in his bed – with a bottle of cheap Scotch – and her sister_. _Mmmm, sibling rivalry – good thing there's plenty of him to go around, and HOLY SHIT!_"

A large figure suddenly appeared in his path, making Nihlus scream like a girl as he fell on his ass. Quickly collecting himself, he jumped to his feet in order to greet his fellow Turian with only the warmest regards.

"Holy fuck, Saren!" Nihlus yelled. "You've gotta be the freakiest looking mother fucker I know! What – what the hell are you even doing here?!"

"Killing innocent, er, I mean, um, the council thought you could use some help." Saren replied. "Yeah, that's it, I came here to, um, help you. I'm not evil at all. Hey, what's that behind you?"

Nihlus quickly turned around, and Saren used this distraction to draw his pistol, aiming right at the back of his friend's head.

So far Shepard and Kaiden had managed to avoid the floating drones by ducking behind the conveniently placed boulders along the path toward the colony, but this was getting them nowhere fast. Suddenly a gunshot rang out in the distance, making the drones turn around to investigate, and the two of them used this distraction to dive down to a lower path.

"Those were Geth drones." Kaiden said once they were gone. "But they haven't been seen in Citidel space in over three hundred years since their war with the Quarians."

"What?" Shepard asked. "You mean a race of sentient machines turned on their creators and then tried to kill all organic life? Didn't see that one coming. Do me a favor and take point in case there's something dangerous up ahead."

Kaiden walked in front as they approached a narrow spot in the path with several large boulders around it, and he was checking behind the first one when suddenly a leg came out and kicked him in the stomach. This attack was continued as he was struck in the helmet by the stock of an assault rifle, making him fall to the ground as a woman in combat armor came into view.

"Wait, I'm a human!" He yelled as she aimed at him.

"You are?" She asked. "Then what the hell are you doing sneaking up on me like that? Christ, I thought you were one of the Geth trying to rape me or something like in one of those Asian tentacle-porns."

"What the fuck, Kaiden?" Shepard scolded as she reached them. "I let you take point for five seconds, and you're going around tentacle-raping people? Didn't your daddy ever teach you how to treat a lady?"

Both women glared at him when he tried to respond, so he just hung his head as he got to his feet. Then there was a rumbling sound as a gigantic spaceship that looked a bit like a squid lifted off in the distance, and as it floated upward there was a sound in the air that reminded them of – hip hop music? It was a pretty good beat, and all three of them started to head-nod to it, but this feeling faded once the ship was gone.

"So are you guys the rescue party?" The other woman asked. "I'm Ashley Williams, with the Alliance Defence Force here on Eden Prime. I'm actually glad I found you guys, because I'm pretty sure everyone else in my unit is dead. That's them over there."

She pointed over to another part of the path where a pair of robotic Geth were forcing a group of humans to stand on circular pads. Once they were in place, a metal spire shot up from the pad, going right up their asses and out their mouths as they were raised up into the air. This made Shepard scream as she jumped up into Kaiden's arms like Shaggy on _Scooby-Doo_, but then she palm-struck him and dropped down as he fell on his ass.

"Well, um – sorry about your unit, Ashley." Shepard said as she brushed herself off. "I'm sure they gave their lives in the finest tradition of the service."

"Hell if I know." Ashley replied. "It was an ass-whoopin right from the start, and everyone was like _get the women and children to safety_, and I was like _hey, I'm a woman – peace out, bitches_. Sure, it might have been a bit cowardly, but I'm a coward who _doesn't _have a spire through her body right now, thank you very much."

By this time Kaiden had gotten back up, and he looked a bit concerned as he walked up to Ashley.

"Hold on just a second." He said. "Are you telling me that you just left your entire unit to die while you escaped? Doesn't that seem a bit wrong to you?"

"Not really, no." Ashley replied. "I mean, if the men want to beat their chests and get all protective, who am I to say otherwise? I mean, all they're good for is breeding, lifting heavy things, and self-sacrifice, so stopping them would be like taking away a third of their existence."

Kaiden started to say something else, but was interrupted as Shepard smacked him in the back of the head.

"I'm getting sick of your shit, Kaiden." Shepard scolded again. "It's bad enough that you're a carbon-copy of Carth from _Knights of the Old Republic, _but I draw the line at chauvinism. This poor woman is just trying to make it in a male dominated society, and if you weren't such an emotional-blank slate you might understand how hard that can be."

"But, Commander, you don't understand." Kaiden explained. "She just left her-

"No, _you _don't understand. And you _won't _understand until you've had to satisfy a lecherous old Admiral's pirate fantasy in order to get accepted for command training. Ever tried to give a blow job while doing a pirate accent? No? Then shut the hell up."

"But Commander, I-

"Have you done a pirate blow job yet?" Ashley demanded. "I believe she told you to shut the hell up until then. Don't worry, we'll let you know if we need something heavy lifted."

Ashley and Shepard did a fist-bump as Kaiden hung his head, and then he sadly resumed walking down the path until something caught his eye. The soldiers on the spires had changed; their bodies now a dull gray color with glowing purple eyes and cables that ran through the flesh, but that wasn't the worst part.

"Holy fuck!" Kaiden yelled as he stepped back. "They're still alive!"

Ashley and Shepard looked up at the spires to see that the trapped soldiers were flailing their arms and legs around like flies in a kid's science project.

"Hey, they're still trapped up there." He continued. "So I think we're safe as long as the spires don't come back down."

Suddenly as if on cue, all of the spires made a creaking sound as they retracted into the ground, ripping their way right back through these Husk creatures' bodies.

"Thanks a lot, Kaiden." Ashley said as the creatures began to move. "You just _had _to say something, huh? What are you gonna do next, tell us _good thing it's not a trap_, or ask _what are the odds of that happening_?"

Shepard didn't bother replying to the argument, since she was too busy watching in horror as the Husks began lurching their way toward them like zombies from the first _Resident Evil_. But then she steeled herself, and remembered that not only was she a modern independent woman with nerves of iron, but that she was also the commander of this mission. Everyone was counting on her, so there was only one thing to do. She would have to fight her way through the hordes of probably flesh eating creatures, and accomplish-

"No, fuck that." Shepard interrupted. "Can you see this shit? It's like a damn zombie apocalypse up in here. You can narrate all you want, but as the main character of this story, I say we're getting the hell outa here. Fall back, everyone!"

Oh yeah? Well, since Shepard wants to be all sassy and stuff; the team was just starting to fall back, when the sound of more moans came from behind them. Shepard then looked back in terror to see that even more of the Husk creatures were closing in from behind, effectively cutting off their escape route. Now realizing that their only option was to fight, she drew her pistol, only to find that it was no longer functioning. They were trapped with no way out, and it looked like this was the end.

"Commander, do something!" Kaiden yelled as the three of them got back to back. "I don't wanna die a virgin!"

"You're a virgin?" Ashley asked. "Lame, Kaiden. Maybe you really _should _look into giving pirate blow jobs."

"Alright, I'm sorry!" Shepard yelled as the Husks got closer. "I just forgot that this story is being written by a man. So I've um, learned my lesson, and I promise not to sass the narrator anymore, okay?"

Oh okay, I forgive you, but don't fuck with me again. At that moment when all hope seemed lost, their weapons started working again, allowing them to start screaming as they fired randomly into the crowd of Husks. Somehow during the panicked assault, they managed to mow down all of the advancing Husks except for the first few that came from the spires, putting them back where they were before Shepard tried to get all _girl power _with the narrator.

"Hey, I said I was sorry, alright?" She asked as they reloaded their weapons. "Now let's get back to the mission before anything else fucked up happens."


	4. Ch 3 The Beacon

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Three: The Beacon**

It took a while to move around while trying to avoid the sensor drones as well as the robotic Geth troopers, but eventually the three of them reached the short wall that marked the perimeter of the colony. Shepard slowly raised her head up to take a look, and motioned for the others to join her since there were no enemies in the immediate area. From there they could see a small loading bay where large cargo containers were scattered about, and more importantly, they could see some survivors.

There were a hand full of humans being escorted away from the cargo containers by Geth troopers, well, not really being escorted, more like being forcibly moved. Each of the Geth was holding a human by the hair so that they were walking on their tip-toes, and with each step the Geth took, their large metal feet would kick that survivor in the ass.

"Okay, here's the plan." Shepard said as they ducked back down. "Ashley and I will make a wide circle on separate sides in order to flank the Geth and take them down before they even see us."

"Sounds good, Commander." Ashley replied. "Once we're in position, I'll take the first shot, and once their attention is on me, it will be easier for you to get them from behind. Oh, and Kaiden should cause a distraction so that they see him first, and think I'm the real threat when I start shooting."

"Well, that's certainly one option." Kaiden said nervously. "Or, well – we could always just put down our weapons and surrender – you know – to _them_."

Shepard had a look of disgust and confusion as she turned around in order to pistol-whip him for even daring to make such a suggestion. But then her anger turned into a startled gasp as she noticed the five Geth troopers who were standing right behind them with weapons aimed. She could see the red laser dots on her teammates' heads, so she holstered her pistol and put up her hands as the others did the same.

"On your feet, human units." The Geth leader as they got up. "In order to expose any hidden weapons, this unit suggests that a full body-cavity search be conducted."

"Hey, leave her alone." Kaiden replied. "I thought robots were supposed to be all superior, but what does it say about you if you pick on a woman, huh?"

"This unit was not speaking of the females."

Suddenly two Geth came forward, and each grabbed one of Kaiden's arms. He struggled and kicked at them as they dragged him away, but then one of them ended this resistance by kneeing him in the stomach. He coughed and his feet dragged across the ground as they pulled him out of sight, and then the sound of a rubber glove being snapped was heard before Kaiden let out a scream.

"Capture and search is complete." The leader continued. "Next phase is the breaking of organic spirits, and human female units are known to be demoralized by humiliation. Therefore, the female commander will lift up her shirt so that this unit may take a selfie with her."

Shepard was about to tell the robot where it could go, but then one of the others hit Ashley in the stomach with its rifle, dropping her to her knees at the same time Kaiden could be heard letting out another scream. Realizing that she had no choice, Shepard grumbled to herself as she removed her armor vest and lifted up her shirt. The Geth leader then put one arm around her waist while holding out its phone with the other.

"Smile." It said as it took the pic. "This will greatly increase this unit's street-cred, for you see – this unit did not choose the thug life – the thug life chose this unit."

It stepped away and pushed a few buttons on its phone before putting it into a sealed compartment within its own body. Shepard then put her shirt and armor back on, and a few seconds later the other Geth brought Kaiden back from his cavity search. He just hung his head and walked a little funny as the three of them were marched down to the loading bay where the other human survivors were standing.

"Nihlus." Shepard whispered into her earpiece. "Nihlus, we're in trouble – are you there? Nihlus, please don't play games with me right now."

There was no response as they were told to keep their hands on their heads, but then she saw something out of the corner of her eye, and her mouth ran dry when she saw what it was. The Geth leader was saying something, but all sounds of the world faded away as she saw the lifeless body of Nihlus lying on the ground. Suddenly all of her memories of him flashed through her mind, and with a scream of unimaginable rage, she ran toward the Geth leader.

Ramming her shoulder into its torso, her momentum was surprisingly enough to take it down, and she was so pumped with adrenaline that she was even able to pull the rifle from its hands. She straddled its chest and began shooting it in the head as Ashley and Kaiden grabbed rifles from the other surprised Geth, and between the three of them, soon the whole Geth squad was scrapped.

"Nihlus!" Shepard screamed as she dropped the rifle and ran to him.

She lifted his head and checked for a pulse, even though the large bullet hole in the back of his skull was a pretty good indicator of death.

"I'll get the Geth for this!" She yelled. "I swear, I'll junk every one of those God damn metallic-

"It wasn't the Geth." A new voice said. "It was that other Turian."

Everyone turned toward the cargo containers, and a frightened looking man slowly came out of hiding. Shepard slowly stood up after setting Nihlus's head down, and motioned for the man to continue.

"I hid back here when the attack started." He continued. "That giant ship laid down some funky beat, and then the Geth were all over us, and that other Turian was with them. I think your friend knew him, and called him, uh – Saren, I think. Your friend let down his guard, and Saren plugged him in the back of the head like he was in a _Pacino_ film."

"But why did the Geth attack in the first place?" Kaiden asked. "Their beef is with the Quarians, I mean, they've never even _encountered_ humans before today."

"Maybe they were after the beacon." Another survivor suggested. "We found some Prothean ruins a few weeks ago, and even a functioning beacon. Maybe the Geth were after whatever information was stored on it."

"It's possible." Shepard replied. "Where is the beacon now?"

_Meanwhile, across the colony at the landing pad._

"Aw, man, that was _priceless_." Saren said as he and two Geth walked down the ramp. "I pulled the trigger, and Nihlus's head was like _PBBLLT_! Ha-ha, aw, man – I guess you had to be there, huh?"

The Geth troopers said nothing as they reached the bottom of the ramp where a large green and brown beacon was sitting near the wall. The light on the top was blinking, and Saren motioned for the Geth to stay back while he approached. Once he was close enough, his body began to emanate a green light as he was lifted off the ground, and then there was a bright flash of light before it all stopped. The light faded, and Saren was drooling and convulsing when he was dropped to the ground.

"All these squares make a circle!" He stammered. "Coke and Pepsi are the same thing!"

"Mission complete." One of the Geth said. "Evacuate the Saren unit, and then blow this mother fucker up."

The other Geth picked up Saren and slung him over its shoulder before walking away, and the remaining Geth began to place small devices on every structure around them.

_Back at the loading bay._

"So how do we get to the landing pad from here?" Shepard asked. "Please tell me we don't have to walk all the way across the colony."

"No, it's easy." One of the survivors replied. "We have a train that moves cargo and people back and forth from there to here all the time. Just head over to the rails over there, push the button, and pray that they remembered to fix the brakes, or else – well – the good news is that the trail will get here _really_ fast."

"Thanks for the help." Ashley said. "You all get to safety, we'll handle it from here."

The survivors waved goodbye as Shepard, Ashley, and Kaiden ran over to the rails where the big, obvious control panel was waiting for them. There was only one button, so Shepard pushed it, and a few seconds later they saw the train off in the distance. This thing was really moving, which filled her with confidence that they would reach the landing pad in no time, and she sighed with relief as she saw the smoke being kicked up from the brakes activating.

Suddenly there was a metallic _twang_ as large pieces of metal flew out from under the train in different directions, and the three of them dove off the platform just before the full-speeding train slammed into the breaker-wall. The wall was no match for the train as the vehicle crashed right through it and was catapulted off into the distance, leaving them alive but without a ride.

"Maybe, um – we can fix it?" Kaiden suggested.

Shepard responded to this by smacking him in the side of the head, and then Ashley tapped her on the shoulder. Shepard looked, and saw that she was pointing to a small maintenance shed off a side-rail that housed an old manual hand cart. It seemed to be in perfect working condition, and the button even responded that caused it to automatically be placed onto the rails.

"All right, we have a ride." Shepard said as the three of them got on. "Get us moving, Kaiden."

"What?" Kaiden replied.

"Yeah, Kaiden, get to it." Ashley said. "_You're_ the man here, so it's your job to do all the heavy lifting since _I'm_ a lady and the Commander just suffered a personal loss, you insensitive prick."

Kaiden started to protest, but was stopped as Shepard and Ashley glared at him while folding their arms. So he hung his head, and struggled a bit to move the lever that began their journey toward the landing pad.


	5. Ch 4 Mission Failure

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Four: Mission Failure**

"All right, listen up, team." Shepard said as they neared the landing pad. "The moment we get there, we're gonna get swarmed by dozens of Geth that are supported by even more of those flying drones. They're gonna hit us hard, so we're gonna have to get them first – are you listening to me, Kaiden?"

Kaiden nodded as he puffed and wheezed while struggling to continue working the lever of the hand cart. He was sweating profusely, and groaning with exertion with each movement that made them move forward a little. Over an hour had gone by since they had left the loading bay, but finally the other end of the tracks were in sight.

"Hurry up, Kaiden." Shepard continued. "We have to reach the landing pad before the Geth do – whatever it was they're doing with the beacon."

"I'm going as fast as I can, Commander." He panted between breaths. "This thing is just so heavy that it's hard to move."

"Why, because of our fat asses?" Ashley scolded. "Let me guess, you think that women like me and the Commander spend all day sitting on the couch watching Oprah and eating bon-bons while you _men_ do all the work, is that it? So now you want me to lose some weight in order to fit into your Barbie-Doll stereotype of what a_ lady _should be, right?"

"Damn it, Kaiden, first tentacle-rape and now _this_?" Shepard asked. "You're on report once we get back to the Normandy, mister."

Kaiden started to protest, but didn't have the strength as he struggled to move the lever one last time to reach the end of the line. He then fell to his hands and knees as Shepard and Ashley moved off of the cart while aiming their weapons. Both took cover behind a guard wall as they prepared to fight off the infinite waves of marauding Geth, but then they realized that there weren't any waiting for them.

"Is it an ambush?" Ashley asked.

"Hmm, I don't think so." Shepard replied as she pointed. "Look at that."

They both looked across the landing pad as the last of the Geth troopers moved into the very last transport, and the two of them watched as it took off. It vanished into the sky a few seconds later, and nothing jumped out at them as they slowly moved out from behind cover, so they lowered their weapons.

"Where are they all going?" Shepard asked.

"I don't know." Ashley replied. "But I think that's the beacon down there. Move your ass, Kaiden."

At the bottom of the ramp and across the landing pad there was the beacon, complete with blinking light and colored green and brown, the typical colors of Prothean technology. Still there were no Geth waiting for them as they moved down the ramp, and it was starting to look like they really were alone.

"Hey, don't get too close." Kaiden warned as he joined them and caught his breath. "I mean, who knows what kind of information is stored in this thing, so the last thing we want is to damage it."

"Why, because women don't know how to handle technology?" Ashley demanded as she started toward it. "Let me guess, you want us _girls_ to go back to the ship and bake you some brownies so that we don't get in the way of _men's_ work, right? Well fuck you and your chauvinist bullshit because-

Her words became a startled scream as her body began to emanate a greenish light that seemed to be pulling her toward the beacon. Kaiden immediately ran to save her, but he was so exhausted from operating the hand cart that he fell to his hands and knees after about three steps. It was obvious that he couldn't save her, and Ashley was getting pulled closer to the beacon, so Shepard ran toward her. She rammed into Ashley, and the good news was that the succeeded in knocking her out of the way, but the bad news was that the green light now started to emanate from _her_.

"Help!" Shepard screamed as she was lifted into the air. "Somebody get me-

Suddenly there was a bright flash of light, and then she began to see things. Nothing made sense as her vision was bombarded with dozens of images that made no sense. There were lights, strange sounds, and random images that didn't seem to have anything to do with each other. It was so confusing, and Shepard couldn't figure out what was going on – it – it was like watching the series finale of _Lost_, but not as lame.

The one clear image that popped up was that of a black circle with something coming out of it, but before she could understand it there was a powerful flash of light that knocked her out of the air and onto her back. The light had been so intense that she had to close her eyes. It felt like she only had them shut for a second, but when she opened them, she was somewhere else. The tranquil landscape of Eden Prime was gone, replaced by grey metallic walls and diagnostic equipment that meant she could only have been in the Normandy's medical bay.

"Well, look who's finally awake." Dr. Chakwas, the ship's chief medical officer, said as she went over to the intercom. "Hey, Captain, Shepard's awake, and she isn't saying that stupid crap about_ squares making a circle _or whatever it was anymore."

Shepard slowly sat up, but this took a few tries since her head felt like it was going to explode. She had been laying on one of the examination tables, which added to her discomfort by making her neck all stiff, but at least she was able to sit up completely by the time that Captain Anderson came into the room.

"Well, the shit's really hit the fan this time, Shepard." He said as he walked up to her. "We've got a dead Spectre, a destroyed Prothean beacon, hundreds of dead colonists, and apparently the Geth have begun their incursion to destroy all organic life, starting with my favorite vacation stop. I ask you, Shepard – how can this day _possibly_ get any worse?"

Suddenly the whole ship rocked violently to the side as a series of alarms started going off, making the three of them have to hold on to keep from falling over. After a few seconds the ship righted itself, and the alarms were just stopping as the Captain made it to the intercom.

"Bridge, report." He ordered. "Joker, what the hell is going on up there?"

"Captain, we just caught the tail end of a massive explosion." Joker's voice replied. "It came from the planet's surface, and if I'm reading this right – oh shit – Captain, I think the whole Eden Prime colony just, well – exploded."

Anderson said nothing as he let go of the intercom button, and then he kicked a nearby trashcan into the wall, scattering trash everywhere as he left the medical bay. He could be seen punching the first crewmember that he came to as the door closed behind him, and then his loud incoherent screaming was heard as he got further away. However, as badly as the mission had gone, there was only one part of it on Shepard's mind.

"I can't believe Nihlus is dead." She said sadly. "Sure, he was a chauvinist asshole and we fought all the time, but – I really liked him, and he could be so nice when he wasn't trying to get sex."

"Yeah, I liked how he used to hold me afterwards." Chakwas replied. "He would say the sweetest things, and then we would fall asleep together."

Shepard started to agree with her, but then her brain registered what the doctor was saying, and a confused look spread across Shepard's face. She was about to ask her what she was talking about, but then Chakwas activated a holoimager on the shelf that changed to show her and Nihlus all snuggled up under the blankets on her bed.

"Oh, my God, you slept with Nihlus?!" Shepard demanded. "But I thought you and the Captain were – holy crap, you cheated on Anderson."

"No, I didn't, who do you think took the picture?" Chakwas answered. "But as you know, Nihlus was a sexy irresistible beast, and there was not a woman on the Normandy who could resist his charms. Ah, he will be missed."

Instead of debating this with her further, Shepard got off the table and walked over to the intercom. She was hurt and feeling a lot of mixed emotions, but there was one way to clear everything up at once.

"Now here this." She said angrily as she pushed the button. "This is Commander Shepard; all female crewmembers are to report to the medical bay on the double. That means I want you here _yesterday_, people."

There was a clamoring around the ship as every single female crewmember quickly ran toward the medical bay, and soon the room was filled up. Shepard waited until the door had closed behind the last one, and then she took a deep breath to calm down. After all, these were her shipmates as well as her fellow sisters who were just trying to make it in a male-dominated galaxy, so she was going to try and be as professional as she could.

"All right, I have a question for all of you, and it is imperative that you be honest with me." She calmly explained. "I promise that nothing said here will ever leave this room, and that there will be no repercussions whatsoever. Now – how many of you were having sexual relations with Nihlus while he was onboard?"

"Yo-ho." They said in unison as every single one of them raised their hands.

Shepard's mouth dropped open as all of her interactions with Nihlus flashed through her mind. All of their fighting, every conversation, and every intimate moment where he had repeatedly confessed how much he loved her. She tried so hard to be respectful of the dead as well as to her fellow shipmates, but all of this combined with her failed mission made this impossible to do.

"Well, I hope you sluts are proud of yourselves, because guess what?" Shepard hissed. "It was recently discovered that Nihlus had a raging case of the, um - of the Sabertooth, uh – Crotch-Crickets. Yeah, that's it; Nihlus had the worst case of the _Sabertooth Crotch-Crickets _that has ever been recorded, and it's _highly_ contagious. So you little ho-bags better get on the line and tell _everyone_ that you've _ever_ had sex with to get checked out before they, um – _explode_."

There was a series of frightened gasps during this startling revelation, and then the female crewmembers raced out of the medical bay in a panic as Shepard sat back down on the examination table.

"Oh, Nihlus." She said sadly. "I'm not gonna cry – nope, I'm not gonna cry."

She cried.


	6. Ch 5 After-Action Review

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Five: After-Action Review**

The gigantic squid-shaped ship floated through space as ridiculously high speeds, while inside the superstructure, Saren was sitting in a control chair. Loud bass-heavy music was blasting throughout the room, and the Turian was bobbing his head to it as a blue-skinned Asari wearing black walked into the room. She called out to him, but he didn't respond, so she got closer and yelled his name again, but still there was no response. He just sat there, bobbing his head to the music and drooling on himself, until she smacked him in the back of the head.

Saren let out a high-pitch shriek of surprise and confusion as he began to throw wild punches in all directions, which the Asari avoided by taking a step backwards. A few seconds later he calmed down.

"Oh, it's you, Benezia." He said as he wiped the drool from his mouth. "Let me guess; you came up here to congratulate me on that ass-whoopin me and the Geth put on the humans. You're so impressed by my stealing the beacon from them, and so aroused by the destruction of their colony that you're about to strip down and screw my brains out right here in this chair, aren't you?"

"Not exactly, Saren." She replied. "In fact, I'm pretty sure that such a thing will _never_ happen, and no, not because I want to stay friends or that I respect you as a colleague. It's because you are so God damn creepy that you should have to wear a bell-collar so that I always know where you are."

Saren huffed and turned the chair away from her for a second, but then growled as he spun it back around and leapt at her to attack. In response, Benezia simply put her hand on his forehead, and held him back just far enough so that his punches couldn't reach her. After about a dozen misses, he stopped, and calmed back down again.

"You're such a tease, Benezia." He said. "But I'll wear you down eventually."

"Of course you will." She replied while rolling her eyes. "Anyway, we've identified the ship that landed during your mission. It was the Normandy; a Human Alliance vessel under the command of a Captain Anderson. None of this is of any consequence – however, one of the humans may have used the beacon before it was destroyed. So stick that in your straw and _suck it_."

Benezia chuckled to herself as she left the room, and now Saren was frickin livid. He screamed in rage as he grabbed the chair and tried to rip it off of its bolts, but then he started to relax as his head began to bob to the music again. A few seconds later he was once again sitting down, and began to drool as the ship continued on.

_Back on the Normandy._

"Hey, glad to hear you're all right, Commander." Ashley said as Shepard came out of the medical bay. "And good news; I've been reassigned to the Normandy, being that my whole unit was destroyed with the Eden Prime colony, and I just wanted to say that I am _so_ sorry that we lost your fiancé down there."

"I'm glad to have you with us, Ashley." Shepard replied. "Although I'm sure they're gonna read us the riot-act when we get back to command, so you might – I'm sorry – the loss of my _what _down there?"

Ashley shook her head for a second, and then hugged Shepard tightly while patting her on the back and stroking her hair in a comforting manner. It felt nice and all, but it also left Shepard feeling even more confused.

"Denial is part of grief, so I understand what you're going through." Ashley continued. "I never got to meet Nihlus, but he must have been a good guy if you agreed to marry him – and you were so close to the date, too."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Shepard asked as she stepped away.

Ashley activated the Omni-tool on her forearm, and got onto the internet where she brought up Nihlus's Facebook profile. The last thing posted was a picture of him and Shepard snuggled up under the blanket on his bed, and the description of the image read:

_Finally got through the entire crew of a human vessel, so scratch that off my bucket list. Now all that's left is to marry Jane Shepard after this Eden Prime mission and then settle down._

"That son of a bitch." Shepard whispered.

"I'm _so_ sorry, Commander." Ashley said as she hugged her again. "You probably wanted to keep it a secret, but I guess Nihlus was just too excited to keep it to himself. Just remember that if you ever need to talk – just remember that I'm here for you."

Ashley started to get all misty-eyed, so she walked away before Shepard could say anything else to protest what was going on. But then again, what was she worried about? So what if that asshole had posted some crazy-ass intention to marry her on his Facebook account? After all, she was on a ship of professionals, so what were the odds that any of them even _had_ an account, let alone added Nihlus as a friend?

The important things right now were to figure out what Saren and the Geth wanted with that beacon, as well as thinking up a good story to tell command. In order to do both, she would have to go back up to the bridge to see the Captain, so that's what she did. She took the elevator back up to the deck, and was walking past the galactic map, when she felt a surge of disappointment as Presley stepped out in front of her.

"Too bad about Nihlus." He said. "I'm glad to see that you took my advice and found yourself a man, and I'm sure you would've made a perfect little housewife once you took his name and resigned your commission. After all, this is a _man's_ galaxy, and girls like you are better off keeping house while-

His speech was interrupted as Shepard pulled her leg back and slammed her foot into his groin, making him gurgle incoherently as he fell to his hands and knees. Some of the guards moved in to stop her from attacking him again, but then stopped as someone made the comment that _she had just lost her fiancé_, which made a sympathetic expression form on everyone's faces.

"All right, everyone, listen the hell up!" She yelled. "For the first, last, and only time – I _never_ agreed to marry Nihlus!"

"Shepard, you can worry about that later." Anderson called from the cockpit. "Right now I need you to come over here."

She glared at Presley as she stomped her way over to the cockpit whereas always Joker was flying the ship. Captain Anderson was standing next to one of the co-pilot's chairs, and he had a grim expression on his face as she approached.

"I'm not gonna lie, Shepard, we're in pretty deep shit." The Captain explained. "Now not only did we lose the beacon - and Nihlus - and the whole colony – but we've also reported that Saren, who just happens to be another Spectre, was working with the enemy. I tell you, Alliance command is spitting holy hell over this one, and five minutes ago, they broadcast the public castration of my direct superior."

He pushed a button on the comm station, and Shepard jumped as it played the recording of a chopping sound followed by a soul-shattering scream. The scream was cut off when Anderson pushed the button again, but now he looked even grimmer as he faced Shepard.

"They're sending us to the Citadel." He continued. "Once we get there, Ambassador Udina will arrange an audience with the Council, and our only hope to avoid being put on the chopping block ourselves is to prove what happened. Of course, our only evidence was blown up, and I don't think they'll count that weird shit you were saying earlier. Aw, man, I'm depressed - Joker, swallow a spoonful of cinnamon for my amusement."

Joker looked at him with confusion for a second, but then the pilot opened a small drawer next to the helm station that was full of sandwich making supplies. He took out a small jar of cinnamon, got a spoonful, and put it in his mouth, only to spit out a plume of dust a second later. His eyes started to water as he gasped and choked so much that he fell out of the chair, all the while Anderson had thrown his head back with laughter.

"Ah, that never gets old." Anderson said as Joker's coughing slowed down. "Joker, drink some water, and then take us to the Citadel."

There was a bottle of water among the supplies in the drawer, which Joker quickly drank, and his coughing finally stopped as he pulled himself back into the chair. Anderson had walked away by the time that Joker was able to lay in a course to the nearest Mass Relay, which would take them to the Citadel, but Shepard didn't want to see any more members of the crew just yet, so she decided to stay where she was.

"So, um, Joker." She said. "Are you, um, all right?"

"Yeah, I'm good, Commander." He replied. "Swallowing cinnamon and picking up McDonalds isn't shit compared to the hell I went through in flight school. It's a known fact that I'm the best pilot in the Alliance, but I'm stuck here with Anderson because I got sick of the Admiral making fun of the Vrolik Syndrome in my legs. It was always _brittle bone _this and _Mr. Glass _that, so one day I punched him in the dick, and here I am."

"Shepard!" Anderson called. "We need to discuss our escape plan, er, I mean our _strategy_ for dealing with the Council."

The ship was now approaching the Mass Relay station, so Joker would have to concentrate too hard to allow any more conversation, so Shepard started back across the deck toward the briefing room. A few minutes later the FTL engines were charged by the Mass Relay's energy, and they left a blurry trail as they shot toward their destination.


	7. Ch 6 The Citadel

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Six: The Citadel**

The Citadel. Seat of government for the entire galaxy, and home to millions of people from dozens of races. A place divided into social classes, where the rich and important lived in the beautiful and safe Presidium, and everyone else lived down in the Wards. The Presidium was clean, peaceful, and fancy, while the Wards were crime-ridden, dangerous to travel alone through, and plagued with health code violations. Sort of like living in Detroit, but not as many fires.

It was at the Presidium that the Council Tower was located, and the Normandy was allowed to use one of the C-Sec (Citadel Security) docking bays so that nothing would hinder them on their way to see Ambassador Udina, whose office was only a short walk from the tower. The Council was made up of a representative of each of the three council-races; the Turians, the Asari, and the Salarians, although Salarians only lived for about 40 years, so they got changed out a lot.

Every other species had an office for their ambassador, whose job it was to grovel before the council and beg shamelessly for even the slightest favor. These individuals would usually be kicked out after being flogged, but every once in a while the council actually did something. At least, this was what Commander Shepard was hoping as she entered Udina's office along with Captain Anderson, Kaiden, and Ashley.

"Welcome to the Citadel, Anderson." Udina said as they shook hands. "And I see you brought hookers with you. Good idea, I'll get some brews, and we can get all juiced up before our meeting with the council. Oh, and um – dibs on the redhead. You can have the brunette, and that sort of manly looking other one over there."

"Ambassador, this is the landing party from Eden Prime." Anderson corrected him. "And no, you can't have dibs on the redhead, because if anyone around here is gonna abuse their rank to nail Shepard, it's gonna be _me_."

Udina nodded to him approvingly as he sat down behind his desk, and then everyone else sat in the chairs around his office once he motioned for them to do so. There were a lot of questions asked by Udina as he went around the room, basically interrogating each of them on every detail of what happened on Eden Prime. Most of their answers made him sweat with anxiety, while others started to give him hope, only to make him need to pour himself another shot from the bottle on his desk.

"Oh God, we're screwed." Udina said once the questions were done. "Even if there was _some_ chance that even _one_ of the council members might believe our ridiculous story, how the hell are we going to prove any of it? Even I'm having trouble with this, and I'm prepared to lie my ass off up there to save our skins."

"Then we'll have to appeal to their sense of justice and honor." Shepard replied. "After all, these are professionals who are charged with keeping peace and order in the galaxy, and I'm sure that once they've heard our accounts, they'll just _have_ to believe us."

"Do you really think so?" Kaiden asked hopefully.

"No."

Shepard's eyes started to water, and she put her head down on the desk to keep from crying at the hopelessness of their situation. Things were looking overly grim, especially when the alarm clock on the wall announced that it was time for the appointment with the council. Udina and Anderson then stood up, and motioned for the others to stay.

"We're going up first." Udina said. "Hopefully we will be able to smooth things over with the council, and then we'll signal you when your testimony is needed. Either that, or Anderson and I will take our suicide pills right after signaling you to escape before the council has C-Sec hunt you down like the dogs you are."

Udina then opened his ring to show that the pill was inside, and Anderson did the same with his wristwatch before they headed out the door.

"Well, that was certainly encouraging." Ashley said. "So what do we do now?"

"I think it's good that we're getting a break for a while." Kaiden replied. "This will give us some time to collect ourselves and be more prepared for what we're going to say to the council."

"Let's just get out of this office for now." Shepard said. "Maybe Kaiden's right, and some walking around would do us good. Besides, we're on the Presidium, so what's the worst that could happen?"

They nodded to each other, and then got up to head outside. The entire place was like a single, gigantic courtyard where lots of people were moving back and forth. There were shops, health spas, banks, hotels, everything everyone would ever need to live their lives in comfort. The three of them were trying to decide where to go first, when an excited looking man with short blonde hair ran up to them.

"Holy crap, are you Jane Shepard?!" He asked while almost jumping up and down. "I'm Conrad Verner, and I'm your biggest fan!"

"You have fans?" Ashley asked.

Shepard shrugged, and honestly wanted to just go past this harmless-seeming, yet somehow really creepy guy. But he just stood there smiling, and it didn't seem like he was just going to leave on his own.

"Yes, I'm Jane Shepard." She finally replied. "And you're a fan of my doing what, exactly?"

"Wow, I can't believe you're actually talking to me!" He continued just as excitedly. "They say you destroyed an entire colony to stop the Geth from enslaving us, and well - a few people say you did it to get rid of your boyfriend because he was nailing your sister or something, but I don't listen to them. So – can I get a picture with you?"

It was an odd request, but seemed harmless enough, so she agreed in the hopes that he would go away afterward, but this just seemed to excite him more. He actually jumped up and down while squealing like a fan girl who had just met David Tennant, but then he calmed down and took out his holo-imager.

"Alright, now you're gonna have to stand really close to me." Conrad continued as he set it on the guardrail. "And hug on me, and kinda put your leg up over my thigh, oh, and kiss me on the cheek so that all my friends think I'm banging you, okay?"

"Get away from me, you asshole." She found herself saying almost instinctively. "Get away from me right now, or I'm afraid that I'm going to have to kill you where you stand."

Conrad started to say something else, but was interrupted as Shepard punched him in the mouth, her fist connecting with his face at the exact moment that the holo-imager went off. She expected him to run away, or get angry, or something, but instead he did the fan girl squeal again as he got up and ran over to the imager. He checked the image, and started to jump up and down.

"I can't believe it!" He squealed. "Jane Shepard _touched_ me, and here's the proof! The guys back home aren't gonna believe this! You're the best, Shepard!"

He continued to yell and squeal with delight as he ran away, clicking his heels and skipping down the walkway as a couple of armored Turians walked up to the group.

"Excuse me, ma'am, we're with C-Sec." The first one said. "Was that man harassing you? We know how dangerous and frightening it is for girls like you to walk around in public, so we want to make sure you're all right, especially since you _don't_ seem to have a male escort."

"Hey!" Kaiden protested.

"You better believe he was." Ashley interrupted before Shepard could say anything. "I mean, here we were trying to buy groceries so we can cook dinner for our loving husbands, when this _guy_ comes up and asks us for sex in exchange for some of the Hallex powder he has hidden up his ass. He kept saying the horrible and kinky things he wanted to do to us, and then he said the Hallex was_ so _well hidden up there that C-Sec would _never_ find it with a cavity search."

"Oh, we'll see about _that_." The second Turian said as he snapped on a rubber glove. "Now you girls run along home, and leave this scumbag to us."

Shepard and Ashley smiled and waved goodbye to them as the Turians left, and then did a fist-bump once they were out of sight.

"I hope you two realize what you just did to that man." Kaiden said. "Sure, he was an inappropriate jerk, but I can tell you from experience that cavity searches are no joke."

"Well, thanks, Lieutenant _Buzz Killington_." Ashley replied. "I mean, God, you never got a _single_ date in high school, did you?"

"Actually, I – no."

"All right, Ashley, that's enough." Shepard said. "Kaiden can't help the fact that he's a typical stupid man, but it's not fair to say that he can't get any girls. After all, the whole crew knows that he spends every night with that one girl, what's her name? Oh yeah, Rosie Palm."

As soon as these words left her lips, Ashley started laughing so hard that snot shot out of her nose and she fell over sideways as Kaiden's face turned redder than a tomato. It took a while, but Ashley eventually pulled herself to her feet, albeit still giggling whenever she looked at Kaiden.

"I don't get it, what's so funny?" Shepard asked. "Does she give everyone the clap? Is she a tranny or something? What?"

It took a lot of effort for Ashley to keep from laughing again as she leaned in to whisper the explanation into Shepard's ear, and once she was finished, Kaiden turned even redder as he turned away.

"Oh." Was all Shepard could say.

Suddenly the Omni-tool on her forearm began to beep, and when she pushed the button there was a text message that read: _Come to the tower_.

"All right, people, this is it." Shepard said. "Let's go see the council."

The elevator was huge and obvious, being that the tower was the biggest building around, so they walked over to it and pushed the button. The doors opened after a few seconds, and Kaiden's face was starting to regain its color again, only to be returned to the red color when Ashley started laughing at him.


	8. Ch 7 The Council

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Seven: The Council**

It took a surprising amount of time for the elevator to reach the top of the citadel tower where the council chambers were houses, and Shepard used this time to steel her nerves for the task to come. She would not be frightened or intimidated by anything they threw at her, because she was a strong independent woman who was just as good as any man. She silently repeated this to herself as the elevator doors opened, but then she screamed and jumped into Kaiden's arms at what she saw.

"What the fuck is _that_?!" She yelled as she pointed to it.

It was a large green insectoid creature that seemed to have bionic implants running through its body. It remained silent as it moved past the elevator and checked some systems, remaining there for several seconds before moving on.

"Relax, Commander." Kaiden said as he held her. "Those are just the Keepers; they completely control all of the citadel's systems, including life support, defenses, and gravity. Sure, no one knows where they came from or what they do in the inaccessible core of the citadel, but it all sounds pretty legit to me."

Shepard breathed out a sigh of relief as Kaiden set her down, and she had collected herself by the time they walked down the short corridor to the council chambers where Anderson was waiting. He motioned for them to hurry up, so they finished the trip by running into the chambers where Udina was speaking to the three council members as well as the holo-image of Saren.

"The Geth incursion is distressing." The Asari councilor said. "As is the fact that the whole Eden Prime colony was destroyed, but our C-Sec investigation hasn't turned up and evidence of Saren's involvement in either incident."

"But what about the eye-witness account?" Udina asked. "Saren was seen shooting Nihlus in cold blood."

'Yeah, and you should've seen his face." Saren laughed. "Er, I mean, I resent that. Nihlus was a fellow Spectre and a friend. Why, we even shared girls back in college."

"Ah, yes, the witness." The Turian councilor replied. "I'm afraid that the second-hand account of a traumatized dock-worker who died in the blast, is just not acceptable."

"Not acceptable?!" Anderson demanded. "Saren is a monster. A freaky looking, woman-stealing monster. He used his friendship with Nihlus in order to get the drop on him, like the boner-biting-dick-fuck-fuckface that he is."

"I must remind all parties to keep a civil tongue." The Salarian councilor interrupted. "After all, this is the council chamber, not a strip club."

"It's all right, councilor." Saren replied. "Anderson's just sore about me stealing his girl 20 years ago. Ah, and this must be his protégé, Commander Shepard, the one who let the beacon and the colony be destroyed. Good job on that one, and I think this should serve as a reminder why women should never go on missions without a man to keep them in line."

"Now wait just a damn minute, friend." Kaiden demanded as he stepped forward. "I was on the landing team with Shepard, and she did her absolute best to accomplish the mission."

"No, _you_ wait just a damn minute." The Asari councilor replied. "You mean to tell me that as the only man on the team, you allowed your _women_ to be in charge and lead the mission without keeping them in line? Guards, take him to the whipping post. 50 lashes for failing as a man."

Two more armored Turians grabbed Kaiden's arms and dragged him out of the council chambers. There was the sound of struggling once they were out of sight, but then the _crack_ of a whip was heard, followed by Kaiden screaming as he was lashed again and again.

"Madam Councilor, I must protest." Shepard said as she stepped forward. "How can you just expect a male to always take charge? The Asari are a completely female race."

"Exactly." The Asari councilor replied. "So we _know_ bitches be crazy."

"Don't pay too much attention to Shepard, councilor." Saren said. "After all, she has a reputation for being promiscuous and unstable, with a strong tendency to cause trouble. In fact, I have her psychological profile right here, and it clearly states that she has a chronic case of _Female Hysteria_."

"These are pretty strong accusations, Saren." Udina replied. "Female Hysteria is treatable these days, and you have no evidence of Shepard being anything but a proper young lady. Why, it's ridiculous to even_ listen _to accusations of her being promiscuous or unstable."

Saren said nothing as he tapped the Omni-tool on his forearm, and brought up a series of files. He pushed the play button after finding the right one, and suddenly the room was filled with the sounds of Shepard and Nihlus both moaning with pleasure as a mattress was heard squeaking in the background.

"_You know what I want to hear, you little hooker_." Nihlus's voice said. "_Say it, Shepard. Say it right now, you worthless whore_."

"_A woman's place is in the home_!" Shepard's voice yelled.

They were then both heard screaming with orgasmic pleasure as Saren hit the button to stop the playback, and Shepard's face turned red as she hung her head. The councilors, guards, and everyone nearby began to mutter disapprovingly at Shepard, and there was really nothing that she could say back to that.

"I object." Ashley said as she stepped forward. "If you were really Nihlus's friend, then you would've seen on his Facebook account that he and Commander Shepard were going to get married after the Eden Prime mission. Is it really promiscuity for a woman to sleep with her fiancé?"

The mutters continued, but now they seemed much less disapproving. This was probably going to be the only time in her life that Shepard didn't object to the rumors about her and Nihlus getting engaged, and now she would never be able to live it down, but it was all worth it to see the anger on Saren's face.

"Very well." He said as he started looking through files again. "I will concede to the fact that Shepard was Nihlus's fiancé, but if its Facebook accounts that you want, then let me call your attention to the account of username: _Gangsta Gizzeth_, whose most recent post contained _this_ image."

He pressed the open button on his Omni-tool, and Shepard gasped as a very large image of her holding up her shirt while the Geth leader from Eden Prime had its arm around her, appeared for all to see.

"Jumpin Jesus, Shepard!" Udina yelled as he faced her. "Where does the madness end with you?!"

"I have to agree with Udina on this one, Shepard." Anderson replied. "This self-destructive lifestyle of yours is getting out of hand."

The muttering had now become outcries of rage, and the people were chanting for Shepard to be punished for her malicious and repeated _unladylike_ behavior. Shepard was so flustered and ashamed at having that image shown to the whole room that she didn't know what to do, and Saren was loving every second of it.

"And I'm not finished yet." He continued as he again searched through his Omni-tool. "I still have to prove that Shepard is an emotional train wreck who is unfit not only to join the Spectres, but even to wear a military uniform."

He pushed another button, and the image of Shepard vanished, replaced a few seconds later with a painting of a very thin looking sheep standing in the snow and shivering.

"Look, Shepard." Saren said. "Winter has come, and this poor little sheep has been sheered."

"Oh no." Shepard replied as her eyes began to water. "So sad."

Saren chuckled as he searched for another image, and soon the shivering sheep was replaced by one of similar style. This one was of a frightened looking calf wearing roller-skates as it went down a flight of stairs.

"Look, Shepard." He continued. "This poor baby cow wearing roller-skates has been pushed down the stairs."

"Oh no!" Shepard yelled. "So angry!"

She then burst into tears as she ran away from the council and exited the chambers, leaving Anderson, Udina, and Ashley standing there awkwardly before a laughing Saren and a very stern looking council. A moment later Kaiden was dragged back into the chambers, and the Turians laughed as they dropped him on the floor next to where the others were standing.

"There is no evidence of Saren committing treason." The Asari councilor said. "Thank you, Saren, you may go."

"Thank _you_, councilors." He replied. "I'm happy to see that justice was done, and may I suggest that Miss Shepard be given some help for her disorders?"

His image faded away a second later as he threw his head back with laughter, and that was it. He had literally gotten away with murder, and there didn't seem to be anything that they could do about it.

"How can you not see how evil he is?" Anderson asked. "You need to open your eyes."

"No, what we _need_ is evidence to support claims, Captain." The Salarian councilor replied. "So how about we make this interesting? You think your landing party is so great at their job, so then let them prove it. You will remain with Ambassador Udina in his office, while Shepard and her little friends will have exactly 24 hours to find evidence to either clear you of wrongdoings or to incriminate Saren."

"Good idea." The Turian councilor replied. "For the duration, the Normandy will be locked down where it is, and if you actually find something, then all will be forgiven. But if you fail – oh, if you fail-

"If you fail, then you're fired, Captain." The Asari councilor added. "The Normandy will be impounded, your crew will be dishonorably discharged, and Shepard will spend the next five years in both reform and charm school where she can learn how to be a _proper_ woman. Guards, show them out. And remember, Captain – 24 hours."

Udina was about to protest, but a dozen armored Turians suddenly surrounded them from all directions, leaving them no choice but to leave the council chambers, and to drag the still unconscious Kaiden along behind them.


	9. Ch 8 The Search Begins

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Eight: The Search Begins**

Quickly moving out of the tower and back to Ambassador Udina's office, the team set to work immediately in order to figure out how to accomplish this seemingly impossible task. The clock had already started, and their lives would be completely ruined if they failed, so now was the time for a leader to rise, and hard choices to be made.

"What the hell are we gonna do?" Udina asked as he paced around nervously. "The odds of there actually _being_ any proof of Saren's betrayal somewhere on the citadel are like a billion to one, let alone us actually_ finding it _within 24 hours."

"Now is not the time to panic." Anderson replied. "Instead, we should make our way down to the Wards, where we can book passage onboard a freighter for the valuables we have, along with a few sexual favors from Shepard and Ashley - and maybe Kaiden, depending on their preference. Once away from the citadel, we kill the crew, seize the ship, and then spend the rest of our lives operating it as if we were them."

"No!" Kaiden suddenly yelled as he stood up. "I won't become like my father! I _won't_!"

Everyone just looked at him for a second until he slowly sat back down, but at least now everyone seemed to calm down. Clearly none of them had a better idea than Anderson's, and now it looked like they were going to have to figure out which ship would be an easy target, when Udina suddenly cried out in delight.

"I've got it!" He shouted. "We can ask – _The Shadow Broker_!"

Thunder crashed and the lights flickered, sending a chill down the spines of everyone in the room. After a few seconds the thunder stopped as the lights came back on, and everything went back to normal just as quickly as it had changed.

"Who's The Shadow Broker?" Ashley asked. "And how could he possibly help us?"

"Hush, he might be listening." Anderson quickly warned. "They say that he has spies and surveillance literally _everywhere_ in the known universe, and that he knows more about each of us than we do ourselves."

"Which means that Udina's plan is actually pretty smart." Shepard finished for him. "If The Shadow Broker really does watch everyone at all times, then if anyone had evidence of Saren's betrayal, it would be him."

"Great, so we actually have a plan." Ashley said hopefully. "Good work, team, now where do we find this Shadow Broker?"

"That – I do not know." Udina said sadly.

"I knew it, we're hosed!" Kaiden yelled. "But why, Ambassador? Why did you have to build up our hopes, only to shatter our dreams to pieces? You're an inhuman monster!"

"Shut the fuck up, Kaiden." Anderson ordered. "Regardless of difficulty, we have a lead, and finding a representative of the largest spy-ring in existence has _got_ to be easier than finding a random piece of evidence on our own. Now, Udina and I are stuck here, so Shepard, I want you to take your team and find The Shadow Broker. Dismissed."

"Yes, Sir." Shepard said as she stood up and saluted. "Let's go, team, we're off to find The Shadow Broker."

She turned and marched out the door, followed a few seconds later by both Kaiden and Ashley. Once again finding themselves on the walkways of the Presidium, they had a lot of ground to cover, even without the thought of having to venture down into the Wards. There was also no clear place to start looking, so Shepard decided to just look everywhere. Motioning for the others to follow, she started down one of the paths, and hopefully they wouldn't run into any more weirdoes like that Conrad guy.

"Look pal, just move along, okay?" A voice said from around the corner. "Don't make this any bigger than it has to be."

"This one refuses." A second, slightly echoing voice replied. "The C-Sec Officer is in violation of this one's freedom of expression."

They rounded the corner, and saw yet another armored Turian who was talking to a member of the slimy, jellyfish-like Hanar species. It was hard to tell how the Hanar was feeling, since they did not have expressions like other species, but the C-Sec Officer looked like he was about to lose his damn mind. The two of them just kept going back and forth as Shepard and her team approached, and it didn't look like anything was going to be resolved soon.

"The C-Sec Officer is a profiling socialist." The Hanar continued. "This one is merely attempting to convey the sacred message of the Enkindlers to the fornicating evolutionists who have not yet felt their love, and the C-Sec Officer is oppressing this one's religious freedom."

"I am_ not _oppressing your freedom." The Turian replied. "The law says that you need a permit to preach on the Presidium, and the rules apply to everyone. So just come with me to the station to purchase a permit, and we can forget all this ever happened."

In response, the Hanar raised two of its front legs, and made a kind of flatulent sound as it sprayed the surprised C-Sec Officer with more of the purple slime that was dripping from its body. The Turian gave a startled gasp as he stepped back, and looked at himself with a mixture of disbelief and revulsion at what had just happened. The Hanar chuckled at this, and the Turian growled as he took out his baton, but that's when Shepard decided to step in.

"Whoa, hold on a second." She said as she got between them. "Let me see if I can help sort this out. Now, why won't you get a permit?"

"This one answers to a higher power." The Hanar explained. "This one speaks for the Enkindlers, and therefore should have tax-exemptions, a 10% tithe from the income of all who live on the Citadel, and the final say on all moral decisions made by the government."

"Hold on a second." Ashley said as she walked up to it. "Money and tax-exemptions? Is this _really_ what your Enkindlers would want you to do with the gift they gave you?"

In response to this, the Hanar jumped back and screamed.

"Heresy!" The Hanar yelled. "How dare the human female attempt to use forbidden tools such as logic when speaking of the Enkindlers?! This one rebukes you in their name!"

It raised its front legs again, and Ashley screamed as it hosed her down with a lot more slime than it had done to the Turian. She slipped in the puddle forming around her feet, causing her to fall onto her back as it kept spraying her, until finally it stopped as the Turian clubbed it with his baton from behind. The Hanar collapsed to the ground, and the Turian shook his head while dragging it away as Ashley tried not to throw up.

"Oh God." She said as she tried to wipe some off. "It's like, uh, and it feel like, aw man, I can't even - _ewww_, I'll never be clean again."

Shepard came forward to help her up, but then nearly threw up herself as she stumbled back to avoid the smell. Ashley slowly got to her feet, but was still slipping all over herself, and she couldn't just leave her teammate like that.

"Kaiden, help Ashley." She ordered while still backing up to avoid the smell.

He stepped forward and offered his hand to help keep her steady, but then had to bend over the guardrail she was leaning on, as he lost his lunch into the large body of water that was right below them. Once he was finished, he made a second attempt to help her, which ended with the same result.

"Holy crap, you're useless." Ashley scolded. "Commander Shepard ordered you to help me with this situation, so you better take your balls out of your purse and do something right the hell now!"

Kaiden just stood there for a second as if he didn't know what to do, but then he shrugged, and Ashley screamed as he pushed her over the guardrail. She crashed into the water, causing a splash which hit a bunch of people standing nearby, and by the time Shepard and Kaiden ran down to the next level down of the walkway, she had almost pulled herself out.

Shepard grabbed her hand to help her out of the water, and then nearly got pushed in herself as Ashley went after Kaiden. There was fire in her eyes and murder in her soul as she charged toward him, and of course Kaiden immediately ran the other way. He sprinted with all his might to get away, but her anger made her catch up to him quickly, and with a _Xena Warrior Princess _yell, she tackled him to the floor as he was entering a bank.

They slid across the floor and into a trashcan, spilling cans and papers all over the place as Ashley got on top of Kaiden and began to punch him in the head. After a few hits she pulled him to his feet, and picked up the trashcan which she slammed down over his head before kicking him in the groin. This muffled Kaiden's scream of agony as he fell over sideways, and Ashley would've hit him again if Shepard hadn't stopped her by grabbing her from behind.

"Stop it, both of you!" Shepard yelled as she pulled her away from him. "We don't have time for this! We've only got 24 hours to find what we need, or we're all screwed!"

"22 hours and 46 minutes, actually." An almost mechanical voice replied. "I have to admit I didn't expect you to find this place so soon, but I suppose that shows just how resourceful you humans can be."

Shepard and Ashley looked for the source of the voice, as did Kaiden once he was able to get the trashcan off his head. At first they didn't see anything, but then they looked down to see a member of the portly and diminutive Volus race. He breathed through the respirator-mask on his face as he waddled over to the nearby desk, and after a few failed attempts to climb into the chair, he faced them again.

"Who are you?" Shepard asked.

"My name is Barla Von." He replied. "Officially, I am a financial consultant to the wealthiest residents on the Citadel, but in actuality – and this is the part that pertains to you – I am an agent of The Shadow Broker."


	10. Ch 9 A Promising Lead

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Nine: A Promising Lead**

Thunder crashed outside and the lights flickered as Barla Von announced who he worked for, and although the side effects of mentioning The Shadow Broker were a little frightening, this was good news. Now they would be able to ask about Saren, and Barla had already been expecting them, so he probably had it ready for them.

"We need evidence of Saren's treason on Eden Prime." Shepard said. "Can you help us out with that?"

"I certainly can." Barla replied. "Normally I would require 100,000 credits for my services, as well as a down payment of everything in your pockets, and a blow job from all three of you at the same time as a bonus. However, Saren is a total dick who is on The Shadow Broker's bad side, so I'll give you what I have for free."

All three of them sighed with relief as the little Volus struggled to climb up into the chair in front of his desk, and then they gathered around as he brought up some information on the terminal. They expected an incriminating video of Saren, or some testimony from a witness on Eden Prime, but instead it brought up the image of a female Quarian in a purple and black environmental suit.

"That's not Saren." Kaiden said.

"It's not?!" Ashley exclaimed sarcastically as she rolled her eyes. "Oh, my God!"

"Ignore them." Shepard said. "Barla, who is this?"

"This smoking hot Quarian is named Tali." Barla explained. "She contacted The Shadow Broker through Fist, a human who runs a bar in the Wards called _Chora's Den_. Apparently she came across something that Saren's people would eviscerate her in order to get back, and she wanted to trade it in exchange for her safety."

The image on the terminal changed to show a layout of the Citadel, and then a section was highlighted that showed how to get from their current location down into the Wards where the bar he mentioned was located.

"Unfortunately, Fist hasn't reported in, and we've lost track of the Quarian." Barla continued. "Most likely, this means that Fist has betrayed The Shadow Broker, and that you'll have to deal with him in order to find out what cruel fate befell her. One last thing: Chora's Den is heavily guarded, so I've arranged for some assistance."

The image changed again to show the images of two more people, but then the terminal went dark before they could be clearly seen. Barla smacked it a few times, and everyone got hopeful when it came back on, but a second later sparks started to fly out of it as it went dark again.

"Damn it, fucking Windows!" Barla yelled as he tossed it onto the floor. "Anyway, I sent a Krogan mercenary ahead to deal with Fist, and I also leaked information involving his possible link to Saren to a former C-Sec Officer. Both of these men are extremely dangerous, but knowing you're reputation, you'll probably end up in bed with at least one of them by the end of this story."

Shepard started to protest, but was stopped as Ashley and Kaiden put their hands over their mouths to muffle their laughter. She wanted to tear into both of them right then, but they had more important things to worry about at the moment, so she took a few deep breaths, and decided to let the whole thing go.

"So where can we find these two?" She asked instead.

"Just head down into the Wards." Barla explained. "They both know that you're after Fist as well, so I'm sure they will find you before too long. Good luck, there's the door."

Shepard knew a signal to get the hell out when she heard one, and she was sure that Barla was a busy man, so she motioned for the others to follow her as she walked back outside. The elevator to the Wards was right next to the one that went to the tower, so at least they knew where to start. Thankfully they didn't have any more encounters with the more interesting residents of the Presidium, and Shepard almost sighed with relief once they were in the elevator.

"_In other news, Conrad Verner, an alleged sexual predator, was apprehended by C-Sec Officers earlier this morning_." A voice said over the speakers as they started down. "_Suspected of hiding a large supply of Hallex powder up his rear, Conrad was ambushed and tasered to the point of wetting himself after being spotted trying to solicit sex from three innocent young women_."

"Hey!" Kaiden protested.

"Shut up, Kaiden." Ashley ordered. "I don't wanna miss this."

"_Zap him again, and then give him a cavity search_." The C-Sec Officer from before's voice said over some muffled screams. "_I'm talking Roto-Rooter here, people. Don't stop until you hit the back of his teeth_."

"_Local Officials are praising C-Sec for their diligence in keeping scum like this off the streets_." The first voice continued. "_This report was brought to you by Delmonte Katchup. Delmonte; so easy to use, even a woman can open it_."

The report ended as the elevator began to slow down, and now the three of them prepared to enter the Wards. Supposedly this place was a haven for criminals and scum, where good people couldn't even step outside without getting raped or robbed, but Shepard was skeptical. Having grown up on the streets, herself, she knew that most bad reputations were caused by rich people who lived in places like the Presidium.

"All right, let's not go in there all crazy." She said. "The Wards might not be as pretty or as sanitary as the Presidium, but remember that the people are not all criminals just because of where they live. Most of them are just regular people who are trying to live normal lives."

This seemed to ease the nervousness of her team as the elevator finally came to a stop, but then the doors open, and they were greeted by the barrels of several guns being pointed in their faces.

"Aw, damn it." Shepard continued.

These guns were held by a mixture of humans and members of the multi-eyed Batarian species, and the team had no choice but to put up their hands as the armed men took their weapons while making sure to feel up on Shepard and Ashley during their quick search. Kaiden jumped as one of the Batarians squeezed his ass, and this resulted in another one hitting him in the forehead with the stock of his rifle.

"Well, well, what have we here?" A human asked as Kaiden fell down. "A couple of ho's and their poor excuse for a man sticking their noses where they don't belong. Saren said you sluts would start causing trouble down here, so he paid us to do things like this _this_."

He suddenly turned his rifle around and slammed the stock into Shepard's stomach, making her double over in pain as the same thing was done to Ashley. The armed men then grabbed all three of them by the hair, dragged them from the elevator, and kept the guns aimed at them as they were pushed to the ground.

"All right." The human continued. "Now that introductions are complete, it's time for some fun. See, we're supposed to kill all three of you, but first I want to watch you two girls make out with each other while your boy here gives me a blow job - and then does the same for all my men."

The other armed men cheered as some of the color drained out of Kaiden's face, and the three of them started to protest, but were stopped as the men fired several shots into the floor around them. Seeing that there was no choice but to comply, Shepard and Ashley put their arms around each other and started kissing as the men cheered again, and then some of them laughed as the leader motioned for Kaiden to come closer.

"_Snooch to the mother-fuckin booooooch_!" A voice yelled as two figured suddenly dropped in from nowhere.

Without any other warning, the two strangers, a Turian and a very muscular Krogan, dropped into the center of the crowd, and opened fire on the armed men. Shepard, Ashley, and Kaiden dropped down to avoid getting shot as the hallway was filled with blood and screams, and within seconds all of their attackers were down. One was still alive and tried to surrender, but the two of them quickly ran over and started stomping on his head until it was crushed.

"Yes!" The Turian yelled once it was over. "Score one for the good guys."

"Man, these punks didn't have a prayer against us." The Krogan replied. "A Girlscout could've put up more of a fight - believe me, I know."

Both of them started laughing as they did a high-five followed by a fist bump, and then they began to loot the bodies as Shepard and her team started to get up. They certainly fit the brief description of the two men that she had been given by Barla, but she had to make sure since they were on such an important mission.

"Um, hi." She said once standing. "I'm Commander Jane Shepard with the Alliance Navy, and this is my team: Kaiden Alenko and Ashley Williams. Thanks for the help, but um - who are you guys?"

The two of them looked at each other before turning around to face her, and stuffed the last of the dead men's possessions into their pockets.

"So _you're_ the beautiful Commander Shepard." The Turian said. "I am Garrus Vakarian a.k.a _Collar-poppin it, scoopin and droppin it, mother-fuckin Garrus_. I'm a former C-Sec Officer who was just too awesome for the brass to handle, so now I'm a rebel - a badboy - and a vigilante who doesn't follow anyone's rules - not even my own."

"And I am Urdnot Wrex." The Krogan added. "And I'm a head-bustin, window-breakin, chain-smokin, break-dancin mercenary who don't take shit from no one; a.k.a _Dr. Aquafresh_ a.k.a. _Cream-o-Wheat_ a.k.a. _The Decorator_ a.k.a. _Boogie-Pop Phantom_ a.k.a. _Lunchbox_ a.k.a. _Chicken-bone-bone Chicken-bone Chicken-bone-bone-bone_."

"Um - okay." Shepard replied. "Well, it's certainly nice to meet you guys, and-

"I'm not finished yet, woman! A.k.a. _The Dancing Cavalier_, a.k.a. _Long-dick Johnson_ a.k.a. _Ku-ku Kuuuuuu_ - all right, now I'm finished. So let's go take out this Fist asshole."

"I don't know about these guys, Commander." Ashley warned. "Even if we ignore the fact that they're aliens who fit into several male stereotypes, they seem to be a bit unstable."

"I actually agree with Ashley on this one, Commander." Kaiden added. "I mean, that last guy tried to surrender, and they laughed as they stomped his head into paste."

Shepard wasn't sure what to do about this. It was true that they would need help in order to accomplish this mission in time, but her teammates had a point, although Garrus was absolutely gorgeous, and she immediately stopped that line of thinking. After everything that happened with Nihlus, she wasn't about to fall for anyone any time soon, let alone another Turian - who had nice arms - and probably the sexiest voice she ever heard.

"I think I know what's happening here." Garrus said as he and Wrex faced each other. "What we're dealing with is a _Matriarchy_, and in most cases the only way for new males to join is for them to defeat the one the queen already has."

"Is that right?" Wrex asked as he looked at Kaiden. "Well, okay, I'll hold his arms while you punch him in the dick until he passes out."

"No time!" Kaiden quickly exclaimed when they started toward him. "We still have to take out Fist, so let's go, team!"

He wasted no time is heading down this first hallway, and soon Shepard and the others followed.


	11. Ch 10 Chora's Den

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Ten: Chora's Den**

Taking great care to avoid any more of the locals, Garrus and Wrex led Shepard's team down several back alleys on the way to Chora's Den. They passed drug dealers, prostitutes, graffiti artists, and even a few break-dancing street gangs. This place was a mess; the lights flickered, sewage was leaking from pipes that ran along the walls, and a section of the alley lost containment, causing several people and objects to be sucked out into space before the flimsy looking emergency bulkheads could come down.

"Holy fucking shit." Shepard said as she looked around. "How in the hell can anyone _actually_ live like this?"

"You get used to it after a while." Garrus replied. "This area was my beat for years when I was in C-Sec, so trust me when I say that you'll be fine as long as you stay in the light."

Suddenly the light went out above a corner where a woman was standing, causing her to scream as she was tackled and dragged away by some shadowy figures. A second later the lights came back on, and everyone went about their day as normal. No one called C-Sec, no one started looking for the missing woman, and it was as if none of it had happened.

"What the hell just happened?" Ashley asked as they moved on. "What _were _those things?"

"I don't know." Garrus replied with a shrug. "But what can you expect on a space station where no one has ever been to the core, and we all trust things like the Keepers to run it smoothly without even knowing what they actually are?"

"Stay focused, people." Kaiden said as they rounded a corner. "We can report this to the Council when we get back, but for now we need to remain focused on the mission. The situation down here sucks, but we should be all right as long as we act tough and keep our heads."

Suddenly the light next to them went out, and Kaiden let out a loud womanly shrill as he leapt into Wrex's arms. Turns out the light was just flickering instead of going out completely, and no one had been dragged away, but that didn't stop Kaiden from clinging to Wrex and shaking like a little leaf.

"You don't have to be scared, babe." Wrex said to him while stroking his hair. "I know it's dark and scary down here, but old Wrex will look after you, and all you have to do in return is give it up."

Kaiden just looked at him with a mixture of confusion and horror as the Krogan kept stroking his hair, but then Garrus came up and whispered something into his ear, causing Wrex to gasp and drop him onto the floor.

"That's a guy?!" The Krogan exclaimed. "Damn it, all these humans look alike! How do you tell them apart, Garrus?"

"Well, there are several ways." Garrus explained. "Of course, a lot of them cause males and females to react the same way, but the good news is that by the time you discover that you're wrong, you're already gay by that point so you might as well finish. For me, though, I find that _this_ is the easiest way to tell."

He then walked up to Shepard, kissed the tips of two of his fingers, and touched them lightly to her lips. Suddenly she got a stupid, almost drunken expression on her face as her eyes rolled up into her head, and a second later she fainted. Ashley was shocked and angered by this, and she came up to protest about him doing such a thing to her Commander, but then he kissed the tips of two of his fingers and touched them to _her_ lips, causing the same result.

"Yep, I still got it." Garrus continued as he looked down at them. "You see, boys – a pimp's love is _very_ different from that of a square, and most females who live in civilized societies don't know how to handle being approached by a _real_ man. Nine times out of ten, all you have to do to get a girl in bed is be direct and make sure she _knows_ that you can have her. Of course, that other _one_ time out of ten will get you featured on _Cops_, but you can't win them all."

It didn't take long for Shepard and Ashley to wake up from their fainting spell, which left both of them in a surprisingly good mood. However, they had already lost a huge portion of their 24 hour deadline to find proof of Saren's treason, so they had to move on quickly. Thankfully, the bar known as Chora's Den wasn't too far away, and there weren't any bouncers or anything to keep them out, but getting to Fist was probably going to be a little more difficult.

"Hmm, what we need is a distraction." Shepard observed. "Everyone just mingle like you belong here, and try to come up with some kind of plan."

There were bright lights flashing and the music was bumping as they walked in, but the first thing they noticed was all the armed guards stationed around the room. There were also dozens of innocent people in the bar, so fighting was out of the question - and they saw the Asari. There were over a dozen of the beautiful blue-skinned women dancing on tables for the crowd, and some were giving private shows to people at smaller, mostly out of sight tables. This whole place looked like a lot of fun, but Shepard managed to keep focused on the mission - that is, until one of the Asari dancers grabbed her by the cheeks and pulled her in for a very tongue-filled kiss that lasted almost a minute.

"How about a private show, beautiful?" She asked as their kiss broke. "I'd _love_ to dance for you – or maybe _you_ should dance for _me_."

"Oh, if only there was time." Garrus said as he touched his kissed fingers to the Asari's lips, making her faint. "But we have a mission to complete, and besides – if Jane Shepard is gonna dance for anyone, it's gonna be _me_, and the same thing goes for her sister, Ashley."

"Garrus, Commander Shepard and I aren't sisters." Ashley replied. "My last name is Williams."

"Don't ruin this for me, Ashley."

Shepard was left in a sort of daze from her encounter with the Asari dancer, so she had to sit down as another one walked up to Kaiden. Not wanting to be left out in a situation like this, He decided to use what he had learned from Garrus; kissing the tips of his fingers and touching them to her lips. In response to this, she glared at him, and then punched him in the side of the head. He stumbled sideways and crashed right through a table on his way down, causing the music to stop as everyone looked toward them.

"What the hell is going on here?" One of the guards asked as he rushed over.

"What's going on?!" The dancer exclaimed. "This _pervert_ just tried to shove his fingers in my mouth, that's what's going on! I mean, I wouldn't have minded if he looked like that Turian over there with those human sisters, but just _look_ at this guy!"

Kaiden started to protest as he got up, but this was stopped as the guard kicked him in the face, knocking him back down. Shepard was not surprised at all that something happened while they were there, being that everyone was from different cultural backgrounds and social status, but maybe there was a way to peacefully diffuse the situation as long as she could keep everyone calm.

"I knew he was trouble right from the start." Wrex interrupted as Shepard started to talk. "Just look at those beady little eyes, and that weak chin. Riff-raff like this doesn't _deserve_ to be in such a high-class establishment, so you know what? I think he deserves the _Awful Waffle_."

Shepard tried to say something, but her words were drowned out as the crowd cheered. Suddenly they all ran toward them, and Kaiden screamed as they lifted him over their heads, making them cheer even more.

"Awful Waffle!" The crowd chanted as they carried Kaiden toward the door. "Awful Waffle! Awful Waffle! Awful Waffle!"

"What the hell is an Awful Waffle?" Shepard asked.

"You don't want to know." Wrex replied. "The_ important _thing is that he'll probably survive it, and hey, look at that; here's that distraction you wanted."

The chanting continued from outside the bar, and Shepard wanted to go and save her teammate, but at the same time Wrex had a point. Not only had the bar's patrons gone outside to see what was happening, but the dancers had joined them, and even the guards had abandoned their posts. Except for the light show that was still playing on the ceiling and wall-screens, the bar was silent and this was probably the only opportunity that they would have to sneak into the back undetected.

"All right, let's do this." She said as she drew her pistol. "But we're coming back for Kaiden as soon as we're done with Fist. Move out."

There was only one door to the back of the bar, and it was unlocked, so they were able to move into the hallway with ease. Even the staff must have joined in what was happening outside, because the kitchen and supply rooms were all abandoned as they made their way to the last room, which was labeled: _Management_.

"Freeze, mother-fucker!" Garrus yelled as they kicked open the door.

The bald human known as Fist was alone in his office, and apparently he didn't know that his guards were gone, because he was completely taken by surprise. He put up his hands as the team stormed into his office, and Wrex pulled him to his feet once he was close enough to grab him. He then slammed him down so that Fist was bent over his desk, and the criminal whimpered with fright as the Krogan pressed his shotgun into the back of his head.

"All right, here's how this is gonna go." Shepard explained. "I'm gonna ask you some questions, and either you can answer them quickly, or my boys here are gonna tear into you like lonely virgins on a blow-up doll. First question: Where is the Quarian?"

"You're here about _her_?" Fist asked with a surprised tone. "Christ, I thought you guys were the Health Department. She came here wanting The Shadow Broker's protection, and wanted me to arrange a meeting. Now, I can't arrange a meeting with The Shadow Broker, and, well - sometimes I don't even know if there _is_ one, but she didn't know that."

"Cut the cryptic bullshit." Ashley ordered. "Where is the Quarian now?"

"I told her I was contacting The Shadow Broker, but I really called Saren, and he paid me a fortune to send her to meet some of his guys. So um, they're probably gonna kill her after they've each had a turn with her sweet ass, but if you let me go and run down the street as fast as you can, you might still have a chance to save her."

Again, Shepard wasn't sure what to do. On one hand they needed to save the Quarian in order to get her Intel on Saren, but in order to do that, they would have to let Fist go, and he really deserved to be punished for being such an uncle-fucker. Of course, she _did_ have a few extra people around, so maybe there was a way to handle this more efficiently.

"Fine, let's go." She said angrily. "Garrus and Ashley come with me, Wrex – stay here and _deal_ with our friend, Fist."

Shepard, Garrus, and Ashley ran out the office door in order to save the Quarian, while Wrex moved the shotgun from Fist's head, only to shove the barrel up against the criminal's butthole.

"Brace yourself, Fist." He said with a chuckle. "I'm about to clean you out faster than a bean-beef burrito with extra guacamole sauce."


	12. Ch 11 Save The Quarian

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Eleven: Save The Quarian**

A shotgun blast was the first thing that Shepard heard as she, Garrus, and Ashley ran back through the still empty main room of Chora's Den. The repeated chanting of Awful Waffle was still going on when they got outside, and she could hear Kaiden screaming from the center of the massive crowd that had gathered around him, but she couldn't see what they were doing, nor did she have time to do anything about it.

"Hold on a second." Ashley said, making them stop a short distance from the bar. "Okay, each section of the Wards is roughly the size of frickin _North America_, right? So, has anyone given any thought as to how in the blue fuck we are going to find a single Quarian before she walks into Fist's trap?"

Shepard was filled with confidence as she started to reply, but then her mouth hung open as she realized that she had not thought that far ahead. Well, this was just great. They had managed to find the evidence they needed to save themselves and expose Saren, but now they were about to lose it all because of some shithead who wanted some credits.

"Hold on, I got this." Garrus replied as he put his phone up to his ear. "Hey, it's Garrus, let me talk to Emily – hey, babe, I need a favor – no, I'm not coming over tonight – well, I just gave you sweet lovins yesterday, woman – look, I need help; my new friends are gonna get burned at the stake or something if they don't find a Quarian, so I need to know how many there are near Chora's Den – sorry, I didn't catch that – no, I'm _not_ just helping her because I have a human fetish – all right, thanks."

"Who was that?" Shepard asked once he hung up.

"Ex-wife; she works in the main C-Sec monitor room, so I still bang her now and then in exchange for the location of my targets. There's only one Quarian around her, by the way, but we need to hurry because she's approaching a shady looking group."

"Hey, guys, I'm all done with Fist." Wrex said as he walked up to them. "I blew his ass right up into his mouth – it was pretty funny, and um, I took some pics if anyone wants to see them later – you're gonna _love_ the selfie."

"Wrex, I'm glad you're here." Shepard replied. "We're going to save the Quarian, so I need you to go get Kaiden. All right, team, let's move out."

Wrex headed back toward the large crowd as Garrus led Shepard and Ashley down another corridor, and sure enough there was a female Quarian around the next corner wearing a purple and black EV suit just like Fist had described. Of course, she was already walking up to a group of Batarians and humans, so the team took cover while trying to figure out how to save her.

"Did you bring the evidence?" The Batarian leader asked as she approached.

"Where's The Shadow Broker?" The Quarian's voice echoed through her suit.

The leader snapped his fingers, causing two humans to come forward and grab her arms while he drew his pistol and pressed it into her neck as he began to very thoroughly feel around her body for what she was carrying. After a minute of searching, he began to get angry that he couldn't find it.

"I'll ask you one more time." He said as he flipped off the safety. "Tell me where the evidence is, or I'm gonna let each of my men have ten minutes with you."

"I only need five." The one on the left replied.

He moved the gun away from her neck in order to smack his subordinate, and Shepard was about to come out with guns blazing, but she stopped as the Quarian suddenly did a back flip that kicked the gun from his hand. The others were still holding her arms, causing their own arms to become twisted around behind their backs as she landed. She shoved them forward into their leader as she caught the pistol before it hit the ground, and five well placed shots later, the whole group was dead.

"Holy shit." Shepard, Garrus, and Ashley said at the same time.

"Who's that over there?" The Quarian demanded as she aimed the pistol. "Come out slowly, and if you're with Saren, then take a second and kiss your ass goodbye."

"Relax." Shepard replied as she came out of hiding with her hands up. "I'm Commander Shepard with the Alliance Military, and this is my team. We've actually come here to offer you Council protection in exchange for the evidence against Saren - not that you need it, apparently."

"That was amazing." Ashley added as she and Garrus came out. "Girl _power_, my sister, you really showed those chauvinist pigs."

"Yeah, good job." Garrus chimed in. "Let's all blow Garrus to celebrate."

The three of them glared at him in response, causing him to shrug with a half-smile as Wrex finally caught up to them along with Kaiden. Shepard felt kind of bad for leaving him to whatever the crowd had been doing to him, since he smelled like maple syrup and was walking funny, but he had caused the distraction they needed, so it was all good, she guessed.

"This is the rest of my team." Shepard continued. "Wrex and Kaiden."

"Kaiden got _waffled_." The Krogan laughed to himself as he licked some of the leftover syrup off Kaiden's face. "Mmmm, you're delicious."

"It's always good to meet people who aren't trying to kill or rape me." The Quarian replied. "I am Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, but everyone calls me Tali, or _Suit Rat_, or _get the hell out of here, you filthy fucking Quarian – _I think I prefer Tali."

She then activated the Omni-tool on her forearm, bringing up a selection like the one that Saren had been using in the Council chamber. After a few seconds, Tali found the one she was looking for, and pressed the button, beginning a confusing audio of what sounded like squeaking bedsprings.

"_Oh yeah, take it you little suit rat_." Nihlus's voice groaned. "_Take it like a human_."

"Whoops, wrong one." Tali quickly said as she stopped it.

She moved the selection around a bit more until she found another file, and this time it started playing music. Shepard knew that she had heard it somewhere before, and then she gasped as she realized that it was the same beat that came from that giant ship they had seen on Eden Prime.

"_Dear Audio Diary_." Saren's voice said over the music. "_I'll have to remember to cancel my Wednesday lunch with Nihlus, and can you guess why? Because I fucking killed him, that's why! I went down to Eden Prime, and I was like boom, bang, pow, and the whole place blew up. I also used the Prothean Beacon, and I tell you, I haven't had such a satisfying victory over the humans since I had that threesome with Anderson's wife and sister twenty years ago_."

"_Saren, what the hell are you doing_?" A female voice interrupted. "_You can't use a Geth for your own personal diary_."

"_Says fucking who, Benezia? I've got Sovereign, I've got Geth, and I've got a ten inch wang, so you better get on it if you want to be spared when the Reapers return_."

The final sound was a bit like the two of them were fighting over something before the recording stopped, and a gigantic smile formed across Shepard's face as she realized that they were saved.

"Where did you get this?" Ashley asked.

"I downloaded it from a Geth I disabled." Tali explained. "Usually Geth wipe their memories when they shut down, but my people created them, so if you do it right, you can sometimes get something before it's all gone. There was this, and – hey, that's where I've seen you before, Shepard. There was a selfie of you with a Geth and we were holding up your-

"That's enough reminiscing for now." Shepard interrupted. "We need to get this back to Ambassador Udina before anything else happens. Quick, to the Presidium!"

They had not traveled too deep into the Wards during this whole fiasco, so it did not take long to find their way back to the elevator. Once inside, they all breathed a collective sigh of relief to be getting back up into the civilized part of the Citadel, and hopefully they would never have a reason to go back down.

"Hey, Kaiden." Wrex said as he took out his phone. "Wanna see the selfie I took with Fist?"

He held up the screen for him to see, and Kaiden's face immediately turned green as he fell to his hands and knees while vomiting on the floor. A few minutes later the elevator opened, and the group headed back toward Udina's office where he and Anderson appeared to be packing bags as they walked in.

"Ambassador Udina, Captain Anderson." Shepard said happily. "Meet Tali, the one who found the evidence we need."

"You actually found some evidence?" Anderson asked. "That's great, now we don't have to go through with any backup plans that we may, or, um, may_ not _have already implemented."

"Awesome, we'll go see the council immediately." Udina replied. "But, Anderson, what should we do about that cargo ship? I mean, we already killed-

Anderson shushed him before he could say anything else, and Udina seemed to get the message when the Captain quickly shook his head while doing a _zip your lip _gesture.

"Right." Udina said after a moment. "I'll, um, set up another audience with the Council at once. The rest of you take a few minutes to prepare yourselves, because this is it. We are about to expose Saren."


	13. Ch 12 The First Human Spectre

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Twelve: The First Human Spectre**

As before, Udina had gone ahead to smooth things over with the Council, leaving Shepard and the others to wait outside the tower. It was nice to be on the Presidium again instead of down in the Wards, but now she was even more nervous than before. This was their last chance to prove what a shitbag Saren was, and all they could do was hope that the Council would agree with them.

"Everything hinges on this, Shepard." Anderson said as they waited. "Udina and I will do everything in our power to convince these petty bureaucrats, er, I mean the Council to see things our way. However - we've still got that, um, _derelict_ cargo ship on standby in case things go south, and just so you know, we might have to shoot our way out of here."

He patted her on the shoulder in a way that was meant to be reassuring, but instead she was left even more nervous as she looked at all the armed C-Sec Officers standing around the tower. Suddenly Anderson's Omni-tool started beeping, which was the signal for them to enter the chamber, and all of them slowly filed into the room, albeit ready to start shooting at a moment's notice. They reached Udina just as Tali's recording finished, and needless to say, the Council was beside themselves.

"Holy fucking shit." The Turian Councilor said. "I guess Saren really_ is _a boner-biting, um, whatever Anderson called him earlier. He will be stripped of his status as a Spectre immediately, and we'll have the tabloids print an embarrassing article about him being caught sheep-whipping in the Wards."

"I recognize the other person in the recording as well." The Asari Councilor added. "But Matriarch Benezia is one of the most powerful and respected members of my species - why would _she_ hook up with someone like Saren?"

"I can answer that." Garrus replied. "You see, women of all races can't resist Turian males because we're pimps, and it really_ is _just like they say: _Once you go Turian, you_, um - okay, I can't actually think of anything that rhymes with Turian, but you get the idea."

"I'm more interested in these _Reapers_ that Saren mentioned." The Salarian Councilor said. "What exactly are they?"

Everyone shrugged and looked around the room at each other in hopes of an answer, but then Tali stepped forward and activated her Omni-tool.

"There was a little data about that in the Geth memory core." She explained as she brought up the file. "Apparently they were an ancient race of machines that wiped out the Protheans, but then they just vanished. There was something about the Geth worshiping them and Saren being a prophet who finds the _Conduit_, but the data ends there."

"Regardless of details, you have your proof." Udina interrupted. "Send in your fleet to hunt Saren down and drag him to justice like the condescending prick-monster that he is. Just think; we can broadcast his ridiculously long and painful execution to the whole galaxy on _Pay-per-view_."

The Councilors began to mutter amongst themselves, and this was a good sign. Usually they just wanted to reject proposals outright, but even a moment of hesitation could mean that they were going to be the first ones that the Council _actually_ did something for in like a thousand years.

"The revenues _would_ boost the economy." The Turian Councilor stated. "But the Terminus Systems, which won't really be discussed until _Mass Effect 2_, might see a hunting party like that as an act of war, since the Traverse where Saren was last spotted is so close to them. So, um - we won't be doing that."

"Are you fucking serious?" Anderson demanded. "We just proved not only that Saren is a butt-fucking traitor, but that he's _also_ trying to find some conduit thing that will bring back a bunch of mechanical monsters or something. These things supposedly took down the Protheans, and they were some pretty tough-fucking-customers."

This last statement caused nervous murmuring to start around the room as the C-Sec Officers began whispering to each other, and even the Council seemed bothered by the possibility of something existing that was badass enough to destroy the species that all of their technology was based on. The three Councilors also began muttering amongst themselves again, but this time they all nodded in agreement before turning back toward them.

"Saren must be stopped, on that we can agree." The Salarian Councilor said. "We don't have enough information on Reapers or Conduits or anything like that, but we've found a solution that will allow us to gain the information _and_ capture him without using any of our own resources. We're just going to have someone do all of the hard work _for_ us. Step forward, Commander Shepard."

There was more excited murmuring around the room as everyone in the chambers and even in the surrounding area stopped what they were doing in order to see what was about to happen. Workers on lunch break stopped eating, people walking by stopped in their tracks, and a C-Sec Officer detaining a criminal stopped what he was doing as well, allowing the human he was detaining to sneak away.

"It is the decision of this Council." The Asari Councilor began. "That you are to be granted all the powers and privileges of the _Special Tactics and Reconnaissance _branch of the Citadel, and to spend the rest of your life doing the Council's dirty work as our personal gopher-bitch. You will work long hours and constantly put your own life in danger, but nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it, so we expect almost impossible results."

"Spectres are above the law, but everyone will still question you anyway." The Turian Councilor continued. "You will be doomed to an endless cycle of both fetch-missions, and answering to the complaints of random people standing in the street. If someone's cat is up a tree, you will be there with a ladder, ready to be clawed in order to save it. If someone needs their lawn mowed, you will be there with a ruler, _ensuring_ that it complies with the local H.O.A."

You are the first human Spectre, a great accomplishment for your people." The Salarian Councilor said. "We are sending you after Saren, and you are authorized to use any methods necessary to bring him down. We will send you any leads or relevant files that will help you track his movements, and now that he is no longer our burden - we're going fishing. Good luck, Shepard, this meeting is adjourned."

The Councilors all reached down behind their podiums and picked up their fishing rods before walking out of the chamber. This was it, it was now dawning on Shepard that she had just become the first human Spectre, and essentially one of the most powerful women in the galaxy. She beamed with pride as everyone shook her hand to congratulate her, and now she had to figure out how to stop Saren.

"Congratulations, Commander." Anderson said. "The safety of the galaxy is now yours to preserve, but make sure not to neglect your fetch-missions because I think there's a quota or something, but don't forget about Saren either. You know - I'm starting to think that the lifestyle of a Spectre could be what drove Saren nuts, but I'm sure you'll do fine."

"You've got a lot of work to do, Shepard." Udina added. "You'll need a ship, crew, supplies - Anderson, come with me, I'll need your help to set everything up, and to um, take care of that, um, _derelict_ cargo ship that we won't be needing anymore. Shepard, meet us in my office in about an hour or so."

Udina and Anderson left without another word, and Shepard smiled as she and her team left the chamber. This deal was getting better and better, and now it looked like she was about to get her own ship as well, which meant that she was about to become the first female Captain in the Alliance. This was turning out to be the best day ever, but then her smile faded as they neared the elevator where someone that she never wanted to see again was waiting for them.

"Well, well, little Janie Shepard." The older man said as he walked up to her.

"Hello, Admiral Hackett, Sir." She replied with disappointment in her voice as she saluted.

Instead of returning the salute, the Admiral grabbed her and dipped her backwards to give her a big sloppy kiss, before swatting her on the rear once they were standing upright again.

"You two know each other?" Kaiden asked.

"Know her?" Hackett laughed as he put his arm around her. "Hell, I'm the one who got her into the N7 Command training program. That was back when she was just a cute young cadet fresh out of the Academy, and let me tell you from _experience_ that this little girl can use her tongue in ways that would make a preacher kick in a stained-glass window."

"Do tell." Garrus replied. "Seriously - and don't be afraid to go into details."

Shepard did not want to continue on this little trip down memory lane, and they really had a lot of work to do, so she started to make an excuse to get them out of there, but Hackett shushed her by putting his finger on her lips.

"Hush, honey, the men are talking." He said before holding her closer. "Anyway, little Janie here got assigned to be my secretary as her first assignment in the Alliance, so of course I immediately had her get her dress-uniform skirt shortened, and _my God_, she looks smoking in pigtails. I used to bang her on my desk in order to relax before staff meetings, and _to this day _I can't find another secretary who can give a blow job while doing a pirate accent _at the same time_."

Shepard's face turned red from shame as she buried her face in her hands, and this feeling got even worse when the Admiral kissed her on top of the head.

"Ah, the good old days." Hackett continued. "Anyhow, Janie, since you've gone and become a Council Spectre instead of being my new wife who's the same age as my daughter, I'm here to tell you that I'll be handling all of your fetch-missions from the Alliance. That means I'm gonna work your sexy ass even harder than I used to, so you be a good girl and do what the men tell you, and we'll be in touch."

He squeezed her rear one more time before continuing on his way toward the Council chamber, and now everyone was just looking at Shepard like she was some kind of a freak.

"Not a word." She hissed before they could say anything. "Not one damn word from any of you, or I'll shoot you in the head. Let's just go to Udina's office so that we can get out of here before anything else happens."


	14. Ch 13 Westerlund News Exclusive

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Thirteen: Westerlund News Exclusive**

Trying her best to shake off the unpleasant memories of Admiral Hackett experienced by her younger self, Commander Shepard was instead focusing on the good things as they walked toward Ambassador Udina's office. Each time she would find herself thinking of that filthy old man's pirate fetish, she would just remind herself that she was the first human Spectre, and that she was probably also the first human female to have command of her own ship.

"You should've told me you liked being called Janie." Garrus said as they neared the office. "It_ is _kinda cute."

Out of more reflex than anything, she suddenly drew her pistol, and shoved the Turian up against the wall while pressing the barrel into the side of his head. The others gasped as this happened, and Wrex aimed his shotgun at Shepard, causing Ashley to aim her rifle at him. Tali then grabbed the weapon out of Kaiden's holster before he could react and shoved the barrel into his mouth, leaving everyone except him and Garrus pointing a gun at someone.

"Well, this is awkward." Garrus said.

"Shut up." Shepard ordered angrily. "If you _ever_ call me that again - no, better yet, if I ever even _start _to _suspect_ that you _might_ call me that again, I will shove this pistol up your ass and pull the trigger until it goes _click_. Are we clear?"

Everyone was just standing there as if they were an elaborate arrangement of statues, each waiting for someone to pull the trigger. If that happened, the odds were that everyone would die except for Tali, since no one had a gun pointed at her, but the whole scene was still pretty tense.

"Oh, Shepard, you're so _forceful_." Garrus replied. "And those piercing eyes, those flushing cheeks, those trembling lips - kiss me, you sexy little Siren."

He suddenly knocked the pistol out of her hand before grabbing her by the cheeks and pulling her in for a kiss. She tried to pull away for a second, but then her arms went around him, and they kept kissing as he lifted her off her feet. Everyone's guns slowly lowered as they watched intently, but then the moment was ruined as the door to Udina's office opened and he and Anderson came out.

"Jesus, Shepard, _another_ Turian?" Anderson asked as Garrus dropped her. "I know you're on the rebound from Nihlus, but _please_ try to control yourself, _at least _while you're in uniform."

"And in front of your _whole team_?" Udina added. "Maybe we _should've_ let the Council send you to reform school, but there are too many important issues to worry about that now. All of you, get in here."

They all filed into Udina's office, and then Anderson closed the door as they all found places to sit.

"Um, excuse me, Anderson, are you Jane Shepard's father or something?" Garrus asked. "Because if you are, then I want you to know that any intentions I may have with her _or_ her sister, Ashley, are strictly honorable."

"We are _not_ sisters, you ass." Ashley replied.

"No, I'm not her father." Anderson explained. "She just serves under me on the Normandy."

"Oh good, because I hate lying to people." Garrus continued. "Truth is, I'm gonna bang her like a _Salvation Army _drum, and we'll see how long it takes before Ashley wants to join in - I'd say about three days if she's strong willed."

"All right, that's enough." Udina said as he sat down at his desk. "I know we're all interested in Shepard's freaky alien group sex parties, but we really do have pressing matters to attend to. Now, Shepard, you've been given a mission of galactic importance from the Council, and in order to help you accomplish it - we are giving you command of the Normandy, and in the spirit of cooperation, Captain Anderson has provided us with his overall business plan."

Shepard could hardly breathe as Udina looked for his letter opener to break the sealed envelope that Anderson had given him. The Normandy SR-1 was the most advanced ship in the Alliance, and now it was going to be all hers. With that ship, it was going to be easy to take down Saren, and she would be hailed as a hero.

"Hold on a second." Udina said as he read the papers after opening the envelope. "This isn't a business plan - it's an _escape_ plan."

"So long, losers!" Anderson yelled as he ran out the door. "Early retirement, here I come!"

They could see the Captain starting to strip out of his uniform while running down the walkway as the office door slowly slid shut, but even this strange turn of events wasn't going to dampen Shepard's spirits. Sure, it sucked that Anderson was being cut out of the loop like that, but that's how it goes when you're not the main character of this story.

"Yep, he's gone." Udina continued. "Anyway, Commander Shepard, you are now in command of the Normandy SR-1."

"Thank you, Ambassador." Shepard replied excitedly. "Does, um - this mean that I'm getting promoted to Captain?"

Udina looked at her like he was confused by this question, and then a smile slowly formed across his face before he burst out into laughter.

"Captain?!" He struggled to say through the laughter. "Promote a woman to Captain?! What's next? Burning your bra and demanding equal pay? Oh, no, Shepard, I think you'll be staying as a Commander for a looooong time."

He started laughing again when she tried to say something, so instead Shepard motioned for her team to come with her. She led them out of the office just as Udina was laughing so hard that he fell out of his chair, but again, she was not going to let this dampen her spirits. It was finally time to leave the Citadel and begin her mission. So they moved toward the elevators, and soon they were on their way back to the docking bays where _her_ ship was waiting.

"I know it doesn't mean much coming from us." Garrus said as the elevator started down. "But me and Wrex are both really happy for you, so, um, congratulations on getting your own ship."

"Yeah, _girl power _and all that." Wrex added. "You know, you and your sisters_ doin it for yourselves _and stuff."

"Aw, thanks guys." Shepard replied as the elevator stopped and the doors opened. "You know, maybe if I can get men like you two to side with me, maybe someday everyone else will too."

She stepped out of the elevator, and then had to shield her eyes as a really powerful light was shined into them. When she could see enough to make out what was in front of her, she saw that the light was coming from a hovering video camera that was floating next to an attractive woman in an expensive looking dress.

"Commander Jane Shepard?" She asked. "Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani, Westerlund News. You've been given a unique position to represent our race, so I want to give our viewers a sense of who you are and how you live."

"What, are you trying to get her arrested?" Wrex asked.

"Don't worry, Shepard." Tali replied. "I was on a show like this once, so I know what to do. Just give short _yes_ and _no _answers until you know what you're being accused of, and whatever you do, _don't _resist when they put the cuffs on, because you _don't_ want to get tazed."

"You have an, um,_ interesting _group of friends." Khalisah continued. "Now then, Commander Shepard; there are rumors that you only got appointed to this position because of your promiscuity, stemming from the now _viral_ video of you and the Spectre Nihlus, the fact that you _still_ aren't married at age 29, and also_ this _picture taken from the personal archives of one Admiral Hackett."

A holographic image suddenly appeared next to Shepard, causing her to gasp and put her hands over her mouth. It was her slightly younger self in a schoolgirl outfit and pigtails, straddling Admiral Hackett while he sat in his chair drinking what looked like a glass of scotch.

"Our viewers are concerned, Commander Shepard." Khalisah said as the image faded away. "Women on Earth have been fighting for equal rights for centuries, while struggling to be seen by men as more than mere sex objects used for _pleasure_ and _having children_, but you seem to like being seen as just that. It is widely believed that you plan on just _sucking and fucking _your way to the top, but exactly how does being _the easiest ho in the Alliance _help your sisters back on Earth?"

Shepard didn't know what to do, and she was so nervous that her mouth was running dry. These accusations were enough to make her want to cry on their own, since it wasn't the truth at all, and the worst part was that this was being broadcast live to the entire galaxy. For a moment she considered running onto her ship and getting away from this horrible woman, but then her thoughts wandered to something Nihlus had said when they first met.

"_Easiest ho_, huh?" She asked with her confidence slowly returning. "Well, I'm _also_ a Council Spectre, which means - which means that I could throw you on the ground and rape you, and no one would do anything about it because I'm above the law. You want something for your viewers to see? How about _this_?"

She suddenly smacked Khalisah in the face, but then pulled her back in front of the camera and shoved her tongue down the startled woman's throat. In her struggle to get away, Khalisah lost her balance, causing them both to fall onto the ground.

"Here comes Garrus!" The Turian yelled as he suddenly dove on top of them.

The others just stood there wide-eyed at what was happening right in front of them, and Wrex chuckled to himself as he tilted the hovering camera down enough for it to catch all the action.


	15. Ch 14 Mission Briefing

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Fourteen: Mission Briefing**

"Okay, we should probably get out of here." Commander Shepard said as she entered the cockpit. "Just get us away from the Citadel, and I'll figure out the rest later."

"No problem, Commander." Joker said with disappointment in his voice. "It just sucks that Captain Anderson got written off like that."

"Well, there's gonna be a lot of changes around here pretty soon, so you just fly the ship, and let me show you how a new Commander takes over."

Joker didn't say anything else as he fired up the Normandy's engines, and a few moments later they were pulling away from the docking bay. Now was her chance; the Normandy was all hers, and it was time to show the crew that she had what it took to be their leader. There was a pretty good speech that she had been saving for just this occasion, and she was about to deliver it over the intercom, when the communications console started beeping.

"Commander, there's a call for you from Allied Command." Joker explained. "It's Admiral Hackett, I'll put it through to the briefing room."

She swallowed hard, and started to sweat as she nodded before heading toward the briefing room. She knew that the Admiral was going to say something about what had happened a few minutes ago outside, and she didn't really have an excuse for it. The official announcement that she was in command hadn't been made yet, so it was no surprise that everyone acted normal around her. This was actually preferred since she didn't want to be interrupted on the way to talk to Hackett.

Upon arriving in the briefing room, the door closed behind her, and she took a minute to decide what excuses to give for her unprofessional behavior. She had just never had that much power before, and it was like it made her crazy for a while. Then she pushed a glowing button, causing the holographic image of Admiral Hackett to appear on the pad between consoles.

"Hi, Janie." He said. "Hey, you know better than to just stand there like that when it's just us here."

"But, Sir, doesn't that strike you as a bit inappropriate?" Shepard protested. "I mean, what if a member of my crew walked in and saw?"

"Now Janie, I know you're a big tough girl being a Spectre and having your own ship, but that doesn't mean I won't put you over my knee and paddle your bare ass for insubordination. Now be a good girl and do as you're told."

Shepard rolled her eyes as she pulled a chair over, and then she sat down in order to take her boots and socks off. Once done, she leaned back in the chair while putting her feet on the console facing his image.

"Oh yeah, Janie, that's the stuff." He continued with a smile. "I could suck on those toes of yours all day long, but I came here for business. We've come up with a few leads that could help you with your mission, but each one could take a while to investigate, so I'll leave you to prioritize them as you like."

The console next to her beeped, and a data file for three different planets was downloaded onto the screen.

"There have been rumors of Saren being spotted near an Exogeni colony on the planet Feros, but the Asari tell me that this Matriarch Benezia might be the biggest threat, so you might not want to go after him until you investigate rumors of her being sited at Port Hanshan on the planet Noveria."

"What's the third planet for, Sir?" Shepard asked.

"The third planet holds something that might give you an edge over Benezia, but you'll have to _earn_ that one."

Shepard started to protest, but realized that there was no point. She needed all the assistance she could get to stop Saren, so she rolled her eyes and then wiggled her toes a little while pulling up her pant legs enough to show her ankles.

"_Whew_, it's getting a little warm in here, huh?" Admiral Hackett asked as he adjusted his shirt collar. "Anyway, we've located an Asari scientist on Therum named Dr. Liara T'Soni. She's been there studying Prothean ruins or something, but the important thing is - she's Benezia's daughter."

Another image appeared on her screen a second later, and it was a rather young looking Asari. The profile said that she was more an archeologist than a scientist with specialties in Prothean culture, along with a PhD. from Serrice University.

"There are a number of ways you can approach this." Hackett continued. "I would suggest videotaping her slow and agonizing death, and then sending it to Benezia so that she's easier to kill when she comes at you all stupid. However, some of these bleeding-heart hippies at Command want you to get Dr. T'Soni to talk her mother down, so I'm supposed to let you handle it either way."

"Got it, Sir." Shepard quickly replied. "If there was nothing else, I would like to get started on my mission."

There was no way she was going to kill this Liara person, when instead she could have another educated woman on board. Plus, the Admiral hadn't even brought up the subject that she was worried about, so she was about to push the button that would end their communication, when she was stopped by him clearing his throat.

"There _was_ one other thing, Janie." Hackett said. "I just finished watching the live broadcast of a news story on you, and I'll admit that I didn't expect you to use your Spectre status to have a threesome with a rogue C-Sec agent and Khalisah al-Jilani."

"Oh my God, Sir, I am _so_ sorry about that." She replied nervously. "I don't know what came over me, she just made me so mad, and-

"Janie, what you did was crude, unprofessional, and embarrassing to the Alliance, for which I should throw you in the brig. But on the other hand, I haven't whacked my weasel that hard since I unscrambled _Cinemax_ when I was fourteen, so all is forgiven. Hackett out."

The holographic image faded away, and Shepard gave it the finger while sticking her tongue out before leaving the briefing room. The crew was still going about their business, and she was about to use the intercom to make her speech, when some of the newest members of the crew walked by. That's when another in a long line of uncomfortable situations that she would have to get through appeared in front of her.

"Um, Garrus." She said, stopping him. "I, um, know that what happened outside was kind of, you know, personal, but I hope that it won't interfere with our working relationship."

"Relationship?" Garrus replied. "You mean, like, you wanna be my girlfriend? Well, that's fine, but Wrex has to live with us, and sometimes he gets sloppy seconds."

"Damn right I do." Wrex said as he walked by. "Come on, Garrus, let's get our quarters set up."

Shepard started to say something else, but her words stopped when he kissed her on the forehead before walking away. He waved to her as him and Wrex got into the elevator, and she found herself waving back to him stupidly. Sure, this whole thing was awkward, but it _had_ left her in a better mood. A better mood which quickly faded away when she turned around to see Presley standing behind her.

"Good news, Shepard." He said. "I just spoke with Admiral Hackett, and I'm your new First Officer. He said something about you being insubordinate in your last talk, or something like that, but either way, I know I'll sleep better at night knowing that there's a man here keeping you in line."

"I don't believe you, Presley." Shepard found herself replying. "Admiral Hackett would _never_ do that to me, now give me one good reason why I shouldn't throw you out an airlock."

"Oh, you don't have to believe me, Commander, because I recorded the conversation."

He pressed a button on a nearby console, and there was some static as the playback started.

"_Now I'm trusting you to take care of things, Presley_." Hackett's voice said. "_Janie's a big girl, but the galaxy's not a safe place, and honestly I've come to think of her as a daughter. Wait, that makes things a bit weird - she's more like, um, a really hot stepdaughter that I like to bang while her mom's at work. You get the idea, Hackett out_."

The recording ended, and Shepard was left standing there speechless. This seemed to amuse Presley to no ends, since he threw his head back and laughed as he walked away, but this of all things, was not going to kill her mood. She might have been stuck with him, but she was still in command, and now it was time to address the crew.

"Attention all hands, this is your Commander speaking." She said after hitting the intercom button. "I'm sure that the rumor mill has already informed you that Captain Anderson has stepped down so that I could take the lead on the most important mission that any of us have ever been on. Essentially the fate of the whole galaxy is at stake, and we're gonna do to Saren what happens to the new guy in any episode of Oz. That being said, I want round the clock drills, intense combat training for every single member of the crew, and all of you to be on standby to be part of the landing party. We are all part of this mission, and Saren is expecting small teams to come after him, but we're gonna give him an _Army_ to deal with. Can I get a _hell yeah_?"

Everyone on the bridge just stared at her, and there was the same kind of surprised silence coming from the rest of the intercoms as well. She waited for someone, _anyone_ to respond to her call to action, but she was just left standing there like an idiot.

"All right, everyone, business as usual." Presley said into the intercom. "And don't worry, Shepard and her team will do all the leg work, as per Alliance regulations, while the rest of us closely monitor the situation from the ship's galley - it's _meatloaf _day."

Everyone cheered and applauded as confetti dropped from the ceiling and inspirational music began to play through the intercom, and Shepard was gritting her teeth as her face became red from anger.

"Joker, set course for the planet Therum." She hissed as she walked away. "Meatloaf day, indeed."


	16. Ch 15 Shepard Gets Social

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Fifteen: Shepard Gets Social**

No longer wishing to be on the bridge, Commander Shepard made her way past the galactic map, and over to the elevator that would take her down to the ships lower levels. This way she could avoid people like Presley for the time being, and it would also give her a chance to get to know the newest members of the crew. With everything being so crazy lately, there hadn't been much time to socialize, even with the ones she had served with before, and it was a pretty long trip to Therum, so why not?

The unusually slow elevator finally reached the next level down, and the first person she saw was Kaiden, and he seemed to be a little depressed, so this was as good of a place to start as any. She had already known him for a little while, since he had been on the Normandy just as long as she had, so he would be easy to talk to.

"Hi, Kaiden." She said as she walked up to him. "How are you settling into your new position?"

"New position, _right_." He grumbled as he closed the door marked _Janitor_. "Commander, you've got me scrubbing toilets for a living; how am I supposed to write to my family and tell them that I'm a frickin janitor?"

"Kaiden, you aren't_ just _a janitor - you're the _head_ janitor, responsible for the cleanliness and sanitation of this _entire_ ship, with a _huge_ impact on the health and welfare of the crew. Why, your job is one of the most important ones there is."

"Hey, Kaiden, you scrub the shitters, right?" Wrex asked as he walked up to them. "You might want to check out the little boy's room, because me and Garrus were tryin to see who could hit the urinal from farther away, and, well, I won, but - things got a little out of hand."

Kaiden hung his head as he walked away, leaving Wrex and Shepard just kind of standing there. Krogans were hostile by nature, so she was always a little nervous around him, but that was something that she would have to get past if they were going to be working together. After all, the fate of the galaxy was at stake.

"So, Wrex." She said. "How's it going?"

"Honestly, it sucks right now." He replied. "See, the Salarians used my people to fight off these evil bug things called the Rachni about a thousand years ago. We won, so yay for that, but then I guess we started breeding too fast, so the little Salarian fuck-weasels gave us this thing called the _Genophage_ that allows only one out of a hundred Krogan children to survive childbirth. How are _you_?"

"Holy fucking shit!" Kaiden's voice screamed from down the hall. "How in the hell did you even _do_ this?!"

"I'll let you get back to it, then." Shepard said as she started walking away. "Keep up, um, keep up the good work."

Well, that turned awkward really fast, but the point of this was to at least break the ice with her new crewmembers, and so far she had been accomplishing that. So now it was back to the elevator, for another amazingly slow ride down to the next level. The doors were just about to close, when Ashley jumped in at the last second, providing Shepard with another opportunity to socialize.

"How are you liking the Normandy so far, Ashley?" She asked as the elevator started down. "Everything going okay?"

"It's not a bad gig, Commander." Ashley replied. "Sure beats the hell out of Eden Prime, I'll tell you that. Oh, hey, I have a _purely_ hypothetical question for you: Say that for _some reason _Garrus ever comes up to me and _somehow_ convinces me to have sex with him on your bed because he thinks I'm your sister, and that turns him on. I know, this situation is _ridiculous_, but if this _purely_ hypothetical situation ever happened by some random _unlikely_ chance, would, um, you be okay with that?"

Shepard just looked at her for several seconds as the elevator kept going, and she couldn't help feeling that Ashley's hypothetical situation was oddly specific. On the other hand, it wasn't like she and Garrus were in an actual relationship, regardless of what happened on the news. However, she was about to inquire about this further, but was interrupted as the elevator stopped.

"Ha-ha, I was just kidding." Ashley continued nervously as the doors opened. "Well, I gotta go, Commander, see you later."

She almost started running once she was out of the elevator, and Shepard started to leave as well, when she was stopped by Garrus rounding the other corner and pushing her back into it. Once they were both in, he pushed the button for the door to close, and then hit the emergency stop button to lock it down.

"Shepard, we need to talk." He said with urgency in his voice. "I have a favor to ask you, and in return I will do absolutely _anything_ you want. I'm just - I'm a desperate man - I'm losing my mind, and I'm at the end of my rope."

"Slow down, Garrus." She replied. "What's wrong?"

He started to say something, but stopped and paced around for a minute. Then he started to talk again, but stopped, and kicked the wall in frustration, making Shepard jump. Next it was back to pacing, a few more wall kicks, and finally back to an attempt to speak.

"Shepard, I left C-Sec because of a man named Dr. Saleon." He explained as he activated his Omni-tool. "He was a real sick fuck, and did things like _this_ to his patients."

The Omni-tool brought up an image that made Shepard scream when she saw it, and she was shaking as he turned it back off.

"He used to grow extra organs on people and sell them." Garrus continued. "He took off when he realized that I was after him, but there wasn't enough _evidence_ to convince my superiors to stop the shuttle he was on from departing, so he got away. Use your Spectre status to help me catch him, and I will do _anything_ you want. _Please_, help me so I don't lose my mind."

"Well, I'm not familiar with this case." Shepard replied. "But what you've told me is more than enough to at least bring him in for questioning, so yes, I'll help you."

Garrus suddenly came forward and hugged her, and she hugged him back. They stayed like this for well over a minute before separating, and Garrus seemed to be a lot more relaxed now that the matter was settled.

"Thank you, Shepard." He said. "Of course, you'll keep this conversation to yourself, and, well, I'm gonna need some believable excuse for us to have been in here for so long in case someone asks, so, um, I guess I'm gonna have to bang you. You understand."

_Twenty minutes later._

"Wow, that was _great_, Jane." Garrus said as he came out of the elevator with his arm around Shepard. "Who would've thought you could bend your legs like that?"

Shepard's hair was all messed up, her uniform was buttoned wrong, and as soon as he let go of her, she leaned on the wall before slowly sinking to the floor. She made an attempt to say something, but then just gave up as she tried to blow the hair out of her face.

"You know what's funny about this?" Garrus continued. "I'm not even supposed to _be_ a love interest until _Mass Effect 2_, but good thing for me that the guy writing this story is a drunken janitor who doesn't give a _fuck_ about continuity. Later, babe."

He whistled happily as he walked away, and it took a minute, but eventually Shepard was able to stand up. Her quarters were nearby, so a quick use of the mirror and her hairbrush made her look presentable again, but this whole _being social _thing was really wearing her out. Maybe she would hold off on talking with the rest of the new crewmembers until after their business on Therum was finished, and instead she decided to go back up to the Normandy's command deck.

She made a mental note to find out why in the hell the elevator was so slow, being that it took like five minutes to go up two decks, and once she was able to get out, she headed toward the cockpit to see Joker. Out the window she could see that they were quickly approaching the gigantic Mass Relay, which would allow them to make the jump to the planet Therum.

"There's the Mass Relay, Commander." He reported. "Once we make the jump, it should take about six hours to reach the Artemis Tau cluster, and then another three or four at sublight to get to the Knossos system."

"Sounds about right." She replied. "Joker, I need to ask you something. I know that a lot of the male crewmembers resent having me in command of the Normandy because I'm a woman, and I wanted to know how _you_ feel about it."

"Oh, I don't give a damn who's in charge, Commander. All I really care about is the fact that I'm behind the wheel of the baddest muscle car in the Alliance, and I wouldn't mind you riding shotgun once in a while and snuggling into me if you want - it was just weird when Captain Anderson wanted to."

She shook her head and Joker shrugged in return, and then Shepard returned to watching the approaching Mass Relay. The Normandy's engines fired up as they got closer to the oscillating rings that powered the Mass Effect Field, and a second later they shot off into the distance.


	17. Ch 16 Major Kyle

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Sixteen: Major Kyle**

Life onboard the Normandy was surprisingly uneventful for the hours that passed while the ship traveled at FTL. Everyone carried on with their assigned work as if the start of this historic mission was just another day, and soon it was time for Commander Shepard to head back up to the cockpit. As the new Commander of the ship, she was given Anderson's old quarters that were on the lower deck across from the medical bay, and the first thing she saw upon leaving them was Kaiden as he finished putting his janitorial cart away.

She was about to say hello to him, but stopped as Tali came walking down the corridor. Kaiden was immediately transfixed on her, and who wouldn't be with the figure she had? However, even without being able to see her face clearly through her EV Suit's helmet, her posture said that she was annoyed when he stepped out in front of her.

"Um, hello, Tali." He said nervously. "I was, um, wondering if you might want to, um, I don't know, have dinner with me tonight?"

"That's sweet, Kaiden, but no." She replied. "I already have a date with Engineer Adams, and well, don't take this the wrong way, but you're not really my type."

Shepard started to feel a little bad for him as Tali started to walk past, but then Kaiden moved around her to block her path once again.

"Come on, Tali, just give me a chance." He continued. "And besides, since when is someone like _Adams_ on a level higher than me?"

"Since he showed me how to plug my vibrator into the FTL." She replied. "And besides, the girls in engineering don't call him _Beer Can _because he drinks, if you get my drift. So, um, bye."

Kaiden started to say something else as Tali walked away, but stopped and just hung his head. Now Shepard felt_ really _bad for him, and she was about to walk over and comfort him, when she was stopped again by the sudden appearance of Garrus and Wrex as they ignored her and walked right up to Kaiden.

"Kaiden, buddy." Garrus said in a kind of forced tone. "Me and Wrex couldn't help overhearing what happened with Tali just now, but fear not, my brother. For there is still hope for you to find yourself in bed with the purple-skinned girl of your dreams."

"Maybe you grew up with just sisters." Wrex added. "Or maybe your daddy ran off before your pimp-hand developed, but that's why _we're_ here. As _real_ men, it is our job to snatch-up our fallen brothers like you, and then to drag them down to our level."

"What do you mean?" Kaiden asked. "I asked Tali out and she said no. I mean, there's not really much left for me to do except give her the respect that all women deserve by respecting her decision and moving on."

Wrex and Garrus's eyes widened for a second as he spoke those words, and then they smiled before turning away for a sort of private conference. Shepard was actually kind of proud of Kaiden for saying such a noble thing, but she was worried about what Wrex and Garrus were going to do.

"I don't know about this, Garrus, he's pretty far-gone." Wrex said. "I'm starting to think we can't save this one."

"Nonsense, he just wasn't raised right or something." Garrus replied. "All he needs is positive male role models like us to show him the way."

"But, Garrus, you don't understand; last night me and him went into the bathroom for a midnight piss at the same time – and when he was done, he _flushed the toilet_."

Suddenly Garrus spun around and smacked Kaiden in the mouth, but then his whole demeanor changed as he pulled him in for a hug a half-second later.

"We'll save you, brother." Garrus said as he let go of him. "I swear, we'll find a way to make you all better, and then you'll be a man, Kaiden – a _man_. Quick, Wrex, to the drawing board!"

"I'll get the crayons!" Wrex shouted as they took off running back down the corridor.

Kaiden was left standing there with a confused look on his face as the two of them vanished around the corner, and once Shepard was sure that no one else was coming around, she walked over to him. The confusion left by Garrus and Wrex must've been pretty powerful since he didn't even notice her until she tapped him on the shoulder, causing him to jump, but then he calmed down once he realized that it was her.

"Oh, hey, Commander." He said.

"I'm proud of you, Kaiden." She replied. "It's nice to see a man who understands that _no means no_ when it comes to asking a girl out. So what if Tali rejected you? That just means that you weren't meant to be, and someday you're gonna find a girl who appreciates you, and you're going to make her _so_ happy."

"Gosh, thanks, Commander. Um, hey, would _you_ like to have dinner with me tonight?"

Kaiden smiled, and Shepard knew that she had to handle this situation carefully. He was obviously trying to re-validate his manhood after rejection by flirting on another beautiful woman, and no matter what, she had to let him down gently.

"Sorry, Kaiden." She said. "I'm your Commander, and it would be unprofessional to do something like that."

Okay, doing good so far. He seemed to buy her excuse, and it _was_ a pretty damn good one, but he seemed to be getting sad again. Now that she was off the hook, it was time to build Kaiden's confidence back up, and again, this had to be done carefully if she wanted him to both feel better as well as know that there was _never_ going to be a chance for them to hook up.

"Kaiden, there are a _lot_ of women on this ship." She continued. "I'm sure that a lot of them are looking for a guy like you who is sensitive, respectful, and appreciative – but _I_ only date _real _men, so-

She immediately stopped talking and clamped her hands over her mouth, but it was too late. Kaiden just hung his head as he walked away, and as much as Shepard wanted to say something to fix this, there was nothing that she could think of.

"_All hands, brace for slowdown_." Joker's voice said over the intercom. "_Coming out of FTL in three – two – one. Oh, fuck!_"

Suddenly the lights flickered as the whole ship was rocked violently to the side, causing the lights to flicker as Shepard was thrown into the wall. She crashed to the floor as alarms sounded, and then a waterfall of sparks began to shoot out of every single electrical junction box on that level, causing the corridor to quickly fill up with smoke. Soon it was so thick that she couldn't see her hand in front of her face as she got up and stumbled toward the intercom, but it wasn't where she thought it was.

More and more smoke poured into the room, making her cough as her eyes watered, but she was lost. Suddenly she saw some movement up ahead, so she stumbled toward it, finally getting out of the smoke just in time to see the stock of a rifle coming toward her face. The blow struck her right between the eyes with enough force to knock her onto her back, and her head was swimming as she became aware that someone was dragging her by the ankle. At least she was out of the smoke, but now she was being pulled into the airlock, and when her head rolled to the side she saw Kaiden in handcuffs with a ball-gag in his mouth.

"Ah, another prisoner." One of her captors said. "Major Kyle will be pleased."

Shepard started to ask who they were, but was interrupted as a ball-gag was put into her mouth while her wrists were pulled behind her back and cuffed. Then the airlock door cycled shut for a few seconds before the outer door opened to reveal that they had somehow become docked to another ship. She struggled to get away as they pulled her to her feet, but was rewarded for her efforts with a rifle stock being slammed into her stomach.

"Forward, prisoners." Another one ordered as she and Kaiden were grabbed by the hair.

They were made to walk through the corridor of what seemed to be a small ship that was in just as bad of condition as the Normandy. The electrical boxes were sparking, the lights flickered, and the engine was making a kind of dying giraffe sound. The reason for this became obvious as they were led onto the bridge and through the viewer they could see that this ship had collided with the Normandy so hard that the two had become stuck together.

"Ah, so these are the agents of our destruction." A man with messed up hair said as they were made to kneel. "Your attempt to destroy my ship in a kamikaze attack was valiant, so as a reward you may have your gags removed."

"Who are you?" Shepard demanded once her gag was removed.

"I am Major Kyle, leader of the _Biotic Brigade of Biotics_! Now watch in terror as me and my men destroy your ship with the power of our minds alone!"

On Kyle's signal, all of his people lined up in front of the viewer, facing the Normandy. Then they all put their hands on their heads, and began to yell and holler, while some spun around and others made strange sound effects.

"What the hell is going on?" Shepard asked quietly.

"I've heard of these guys, Commander." Kaiden replied. "They call themselves _Biotics_, and they think they have some kind of mental powers, but they really don't. A bunch of them escaped from a nut-house a few months ago, but they were considered so harmless and pathetic that no one bothered to come after them."

"Damn, they've improved their Biotic Shielding!" Kyle continued as everyone stopped. "This gives us no choice but to negotiate, so open coms and bring me one of the prisoners!"

Some of them came over and grabbed Kaiden by the arms, making him stand. Then they took him over to where Major Kyle was standing. Everyone kept their guns on him as an image of Joker and Presley appeared on the screen, and Shepard tried to make a run for the airlock, but was struck again in the side of the head with a rifle stock.

"Who the hell_ are _you people?" Presley demanded. "Do you dumbasses realize that you were parked in the middle of the entry point for a Mass Relay? And what the hell is _Kaiden_ doing there?"

"_I'll_ ask the questions around here, thank you." Kyle replied. "Your people are now the prisoners of the _Biotic Brigade of Biotics_, and you have no choice but to give into our demands if you want them back alive!"

"Well, what are your demands, then?"

Kyle started to say something, but then he stopped as if having no clue what he and his people wanted. Quickly motioning for them to come closer, all of the Biotics began to whisper and talk amongst themselves excitedly. This went on for almost two minutes before Kyle turned back to the screen where Joker and Presley were still waiting.

"We want, um." Kyle continued. "Well, for starters we want, well, uh, we want – _Kaiden_!"

He and all the Biotics cheered as they started dancing around Kaiden, and now Shepard realized that she was dealing with complete lunatics. How in the hell were they going to get out of this one?


	18. Ch 17 Stop The Madness

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Seventeen: Stop The Madness**

Major Kyle and the Biotic Brigade of Biotics continued to cheer and dance around the captive Kaiden while Commander Shepard remained on the floor from her latest blow to the head. This left Presley in charge, which meant that it was now up to him and the others to formulate a plan to rescue their shipmates.

"Well, that's what we get for having a _woman_ in charge." He said as he turned off the screen. "Any ideas on how to conduct a rescue _without_ getting everyone killed?"

"We should storm the place while screaming like madmen." Wrex suggested. "Being crazy themselves, they would just think that we were more Biotics until it was too late."

"Or we could go in through the vents like in _Metal Gear Solid_." Garrus suggested. "Then we drop down into the back room, and use an empty box for cover. If they see it, they'll be like it's just a box, and this way we can get right up to the hostages without anyone even knowing we're there."

"We have a plan." Tali said as she pointed at herself and Ashley. "First we set the FTL Core to discharge along the outer hull, which will also hit the Biotic ship, causing a power surge which will blow out their power junctions like what happened to us. This will fill the room with smoke, and make them think that their own systems are malfunctioning."

"Then I go in under the smoke." Ashley continued. "Heat rises, which means that I will be able to see as long as I stay low, and this will allow me to get Shepard, and maybe even have time to go back for Kaiden before the smoke clears. This leaves the hostages safe, and the Biotics are so crazy and delusional that they'll probably forget that they even _had_ hostages in the first place. What do you think?"

The three men just looked at each other for a second, and then Presley shook his head before pulling both Tali and Ashley in for a comforting hug.

"I know you girls are just trying to help." He said as he patted them on the back. "You're worried about your friends, and you're trying to be strong for them, but this is man's work. So why don't you two go brush each other's hair or paint your nails or something, and leave this _dangerous_ and _scary_ job to us, okay, honey?"

"Brush our hair?" Tali asked as he let go of them. "I don't see how that helps Shepard, and besides, a dozen generations of living in space has trashed my people's immune systems, so I can't take off my helmet or-

"He's being condescending, you twit!" Ashley yelled as Presley turned back to Garrus and Wrex.

"All right, the girls have been comforted, so let's get to work." Presley said. "Now you boys got some dynamite plans, but there are lives at stake, so let's go one step further and combine them. Wrex will run into the room like a lunatic and cause a distraction, while Garrus comes in behind them through the vents and disguises himself as a box. All eyes will be on Wrex while Garrus grabs Kaiden, and then I'll sneak in and grab Shepard. Ready, break!"

Garrus pulled off a vent cover and climbed in as Wrex and Presley ran toward the airlock on the lower level, and then they took cover behind the bulkhead to watch the still dancing Biotics at the end of the corridor on the bridge. On Presley's signal, Wrex ran onto all the way to the bridge where he began to run in circles while screaming and shouting incoherently. As expected, everyone turned to look at the screaming Krogan, and this allowed Presley to get almost all the way to Shepard. That is, until there was another scream as Garrus came crashing down from the ceiling.

Some dust was kicked up from where he fell into a pile of boxes, but luckily this still allowed him to get into his disguise. So Presley continued moving toward Shepard, as Garrus used the box to slowly head toward Kaiden.

"Box Demon!" One of the Biotics screamed, silencing the room. "As foretold by the Krogan, this is the end of times!"

Suddenly all of the Biotics screamed as they started shooting wildly in all directions, causing the three men to also scream as they ran away. Presley and Wrex ran back down the corridor as dozens of impact marks appeared on the walls, but Garrus couldn't see because of the box over his head, so he hit the walls a few times before finding his way back to the airlock. Once back onboard the Normandy they fell to their hands and knees, gasping for breath, and Ashley was trying to think of the best way to say I told you so, when Dr. Chakwas came out of the medical bay carrying a small book.

"All right, I can't take this anymore." She said. "It's like watching a bunch of _retards_ trying to hump a _doorknob_; so I'm going to save you lot any future embarrassment by rescuing them _myself_."

She marched confidently through the airlock and down the corridor of the other ship, where the Biotics were starting to calm down. The others followed her as she walked onto the bridge, and as expected, they reacted to her.

"Halt, interloper!" Major Kyle yelled as he ran up to her. "You are trespassing on territory of the Biotic Brigade of Biotics, and are now-

"That will be quite enough, _young man_." Dr. Chakwas interrupted sternly. "Now go stand in the corner until you can learn to remember your manners."

Everyone in the room fell silent as Major Kyle's eyes widened, and it looked like he was about to say something, but then he hung his head and slowly walked into the corner instead. The Normandy crewmembers' jaws dropped as they saw this, but Chakwas was only just beginning.

"You all ought to be ashamed of yourselves." She continued. "Shooting guns, running amok, and even beating up a _girl_? This is not the way that good little boys behave when there's no authority figures around, so I want you all to put down your toys and apologize to Mr. Kaiden and Ms. Shepard. Go on."

One by one, all of the Biotics hung their heads in shame as they dropped their weapons, and then the words _we're sorry _echoed as everyone said them in unison.

"Much better." Dr. Chakwas said as she sat down on the closest chair. "Now I'm proud of you all for apologizing like big boys, so now I want you to all gather around for _story time_."

All of the Biotics except for Major Kyle quickly sat down on the floor around her as she opened the small book, and so did Garrus, Wrex, and Presley. She was just about to start reading, when a wail of despair came from across the room.

"No fair!" Major Kyle yelled. "I wanna hear the story too!"

"Very well, if you think you can behave." Dr. Chakwas continued. "Now, this story is called _The Monster at The End of This Book_."

"Oooh, this is a good one, Garrus." Wrex said excitedly. "The twist at the end is gonna blow your mind."

All of the men listened intently as Dr. Chakwas started reading the story, leaving plenty of time for Ashley and Tali to free Kaiden and Shepard. The newly freed prisoners were placed in the medical bay, and Dr. Chakwas was just finishing the story when Ashley and Tali got back.

"The end." She said as she closed the book. "Now I hope you boys enjoyed the story, and now it's nap time. So everyone find a comfortable spot, and if you go to sleep quickly, there might just be a special treat waiting for you when you wake up."

Ashley and Tali watched in amazement as all the Biotics laid on the floor to go to sleep, and even more amazement as Presley, Wrex, and Garrus did the same. Within seconds all of them were asleep, with Wrex snuggling Garrus like a teddy bear, and Presley sucking his own thumb in a fetal position. Chakwas put her finger to her lips to make them be quiet as they tiptoed away, and then they all relaxed once they were back onboard the Normandy.

"Joker, contact the Citadel." Chakwas said as she pressed the intercom button. "Have them get in touch with whatever nuthouse just lost a bunch of patients, and get them to send someone to pick these freaks up."

"_You got it, Dr. C_." Joker's voice replied. "_One nut-job pickup coming right up_."

"Okay, what the hell just happened in there?" Tali demanded. "How did you get the men to obey you like that?"

"You'll find as you get older, that men are simple creatures." Chakwas explained. "Much like _Fred Flintstone _and _Al Bundy_, they pretty much remain children throughout their lives; they can just lift heavier things and their toys get more expensive. I understand this, which is why _I_ command the respect of this crew, while _Ashley_ spends her time moaning to Garrus that she really _is_ Shepard's sister. Yeah - these walls aren't as thick as you'd think, dear."

With that, Dr. Chakwas vanished back into the medical bay, leaving Ashley and Tali to ponder what she had just said. Could it really be that simple? Was the key to controlling men as obvious as being stern with them as one would do with children? This shocking theory would require field testing, and the opportunity was about to present itself as Presley, Wrex, and Garrus came walking through the airlock.

"What a nice nap." Presley said as they all yawned and stretched. "You know, I think we should implement _story time _and _nap time _into the Normandy's daily schedule."

Wrex and Garrus nodded in agreement, but then their conversation was cut off as Ashley and Tali stepped into their path. Their eyes locked onto each other in a dramatic scene not unlike right before a battle in any episode of _Trigun_, and now it was time for the girls to take charge.

"All right, you men, listen up." Ashley began sternly. "We're getting a little sick of the way we're being treated around here, so there are going to be some changes. For instance, there will be no more of this chauvinistic bullshit."

"Yeah, and no more treating us like property." Tali added. "We are strong, intelligent, and beautiful women, and we demand to be treated as equals. So what do you boys have to say about _that_, huh?"

The three men just looked at each other for a second as if confused, but then Garrus smiled, and the other two nodded to him just before he stepped forward. He kissed the tip of his fingers and touched them to the face-plate of Tali's helmet, making her faint, and then he put his arms around Ashley's waist.

"Baby, it's not like that at all." He said softly as he moved his face only an inch from hers. "I know you're strong, and smart, and sassy, and all that. But you're also soft, and sexy, and-

He suddenly twisted his body sideways, dipping her for a minute-long kiss that resulted with Ashley bringing her leg up over his thigh. She gasped for breath when he finally stood them back up right, and then he ran his fingers through her hair.

"Isn't this better than fighting?" He asked. "Now, I've got to check on your sister, so why don't you get us a bottle of whipped-cream and wait for me in your quarters like a good girl?"

"Okay." She found herself replying stupidly.

He swatted her on the rear as she walked away, and once she was gone he raised his hands for a high-five from Wrex and Presley.

"No need to thank me." Garrus said as he walked toward the medical bay. "I'm just an ordinary Turian – with a pimp-hand of cast frickin iron."


	19. Ch 18 Heavy Drop

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Eighteen: Heavy Drop**

It took a surprisingly short amount of time for the Alliance to send a ship to pick up the subdued Biotics, and due to the miracle of modern medicine, Commander Shepard and Kaiden were both able to make a speedy recovery. Kaiden was released almost immediately, but Dr. Chakwas wanted to keep Shepard in the medical bay for a while for observation. Turns out that all those blows to the head didn't do any permanent damage, so about two hours later she was released as well.

"Joker, what's out status?" She asked after pushing the intercom button.

"_Everything's fine so far, Commander_." His voice replied. "_We're about thirty minutes out from Therum_."

Her head still hurt a little, so she didn't want to use the intercom again to call everyone for a mission briefing just yet. Hopefully the pain would be gone by the time she got to the communications room, and she had to walk past several crew quarters along the way, so she would just snatch-up anyone that she came across.

Leaving the medical bay and walking down the corridor, the first room that she came to belonged to Garrus and Wrex. There was also the sound of some kind of music playing as she got closer, but when she looked through the open door, it was Kaiden in there with Wrex instead of Garrus.

"Oh, just sit down, you little pansy." Wrex said as he sat on the couch. "Entertainment choices are an important part of being a man, so you and me are gonna watch some high-quality _educational_ programming."

Kaiden reluctantly sat down on the other side of the couch as Wrex used a remote control to turn on their small television. The screen was facing the couch, so Shepard couldn't see what was on it, but she could hear everything just fine as the theme song to Wrex's educational program started to play.

"_Who's the man with an itchy gun? Psycho-Dad!_"Wrex sang with it. "_Who's the guy who kills for fun? Psycho-Dad! _Come on, Kaiden, sing it. _He sleeps with a gun, but he loves his son. Killed his wife 'cause she weighed a ton. Psycho-Dad! He's Psycho-Dad!_"

"Psycho-Dad will have to wait." Shepard said as she walked in. "Come on, guys, it's time for a mission briefing. And can one of you go downstairs and get Tali? Thanks."

Wrex groaned with disappointment as he turned off the television, and Shepard continued down the corridor until she saw Garrus come out of a room that she was pretty sure was Ashley's. He was holding what looked like a can of whipped-cream, and he squirted some into his mouth while waving to Shepard as she got closer.

"Hi, Jane, glad you're feeling better." He said while wiping off his mouth. "Want some whipped-cream?"

"Not really, no." She replied. "We're having a mission briefing for Therum in a few minutes, so I need - Garrus, isn't this Ashley's room? What were you doing in there?"

"Garrus, I can't feel my legs." Ashley's voice groaned from in the room. "I told you to be gentle."

Shepard's mouth dropped open, and she honestly didn't know how to react to this. It was like being with Nihlus all over again, but on the other hand she and Garrus weren't actually in any kind of relationship beyond the two times that they had sex. Was she overreacting? Was she stupid for thinking that she might have been special to him? There was only one way to find out, and that was to start with the easiest questions.

"What the hell is going on here, Garrus?" She demanded.

"Well, it's like this, Shepard." Garrus said as he ate some more whipped-cream. "See, I've gone and appointed myself the ship's new _Morale Officer_, and as such, it is my_ job _to answer the needs of the crew - isn't that right, Presley?"

"Garrus, I can't feel my legs." Presley's voice groaned from in the room. "Hey, that's my last can of whipped-cream."

Shepard was so angry and confused by this that it was hard to think at all, so instead she bluntly informed him of the mission briefing before stomping off toward the elevator. With as stupidly slow as the trip up one level was, she had a lot of time to think, and she needed it if she was going to keep her head at the briefing.

"Okay, Jane, remember that he's _not_ Nihlus." She said to herself while pacing around. "He never said he loved you or anything, and you never said anything about a committed relationship. Just focus on the mission for now, and then handle your personal life once the galaxy is safe."

A few deep breaths later the elevator doors opened, and she had regained her composure. The communications room was only a short distance away, so she was the first one there, but one by one the rest of the important people on the ship walked in and sat down. Kaiden, Wrex, Garrus, Ashley, Presley, Adams, and Tali were all present, although Kaiden had to look away sadly when Tali sat sideways on Adam's lap instead of taking a chair.

"All right, this is Therum." Shepard began as an image of the world appeared on the screen. "The whole world is a hotbed of magma and hardened volcanic rock, so I've decided that we're going to use the Mako Tank in order to search for Dr. T'Soni."

She pushed a button, causing the image of a younger looking Asari to pop up on the screen next to the planet.

"Dr. Liara T'Soni is an expert on Protheans." Shepard continued. "She is also the daughter of Matriarch Benezia, so it is in our best interest to get our hands on her before Saren does. Now, unfortunately the Mako only holds three people for some reason, and we won't get a cool floating thing until _Mass Effect 2_, so I need two volunteers for the mission."

"So we get to go off-roading on a volcano planet?" Wrex asked excitedly. "Count me in."

"Me too." Tali replied. "I haven't been able to go on a mission with you guys yet, and besides, I need a break from the insatiable Engineer Adams. The man is a sex _demon_, I tell you."

Kaiden buried his face in his hands as Adams made the _raise the roof _motion with his arms, and that was pretty much the whole briefing, so Shepard dismissed them. Of course, having Wrex and Tali on the mission made it so that she couldn't stop Garrus from messing with Ashley, but that was a conversation for another time.

"All right, Kaiden, it's just you and me." Garrus said as he put his arm around him. "Now I'm gonna turn you into a _real_ man even if it kills you, starting off with fifteen consecutive hours of _Bruce Lee _movies."

Garrus gave a mock karate yell as he pushed the protesting Kaiden out of the communications room, and this made Shepard sigh with relief since Garrus would be too busy with him to do anything with Ashley. So she left the room, took the slow elevator down to the lowest levels of the ship, and joined Wrex and Tali who were standing in front of the Mako Tank.

It was a six-wheeled ATV that was armored, fully enclosed, and had a scary looking gun turret on top. Opening the side hatch allowed Shepard to see that there was in fact only room for three people, and even this was a little tight since Wrex was so big. Shepard got into the front seat, with the others sitting next to each other.

"_Now entering Therum's atmosphere_." Joker's voice announced over the radio. "_Passing over the drop point in one minute_."

"Got it, Joker." Shepard replied. "We're green to begin the mission."

"Shepard, I'm confused." Tali said. "How are we supposed to drive this onto the planet's surface if we're not going to land?"

Suddenly the Normandy's cargo ramp started to lower, allowing them to see the fiery surface of the planet below. Really far below.

"You have got to be kidding me." Tali continued as Shepard started the engine.

"Damn right she is." Wrex said almost angrily. "This is unacceptable."

Suddenly he grabbed Shepard and pulled her out of the seat, making her and Tali both cry out in surprise and discomfort as he smooshed them together so that he could climb into the driver's seat. The Normandy was already tilting upward to drop them, and there was no way to get to the radio that was in front of Wrex, so they buckled in as the Krogan hit the gas.

"_Commander, you're dropping too early_!" Joker yelled over the radio. "_Shepard, stop_!"

"_It's no use, son_." Presley's voice said. "_God damn woman drivers are all the same_."

The Mako scraped against the wall as they flew out of the Normandy, and the tank immediately took a nose-dive toward the rocky surface.

"The retro-rockets!" Shepard yelled. "Fire the retro-rockets!"

"What are those?" Wrex asked.

The highest rock formations were getting really close now, and there was no way for them to switch places, so Shepard and Tali held each other and screamed as the tank struck the side of a mountain so that they actually started sliding down its face. A moment later they hit a large rock that was sticking out, causing the graceful slide to end as they were flipped forward.

Now the world outside was spinning as the Mako rolled and bounced its way down the mountain; windows and lights smashing as parts of the armor began to dent inward. Then they hit another large rock, causing the smashing to end as they were catapulted upward, but now they were spinning even faster. Each time they flipped forward, Shepard could see the ground getting closer and closer, until everything came to a stop as they crashed upside down hard, sliding to a stop just a few meters away from one of the magma rivers.


	20. Ch 19 Therum

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Nineteen: Therum**

"So how bad is it, Tali?" Commander Shepard asked.

After crawling out of the smoking remains of the Mako, at first everyone was just happy to be alive after a crash like that. However, without the tank they had no way of knowing which way to go in order to find Liara's dig site, and the Planet Therum was almost unbearably hot. It was possible to move around thanks to the pathways of hardened volcanic rock, but that was a moot point since, again, they didn't know which way to go.

"Well, the turret was wrecked." Tali replied while inspecting the wreckage. "Most of the armor was sheared off by rocks, the radiator just sank into the magma river, and there is currently a theological debate as to whether or not the rear suspension ever existed in the first place. Shepard, this thing will _never_ move again, and if I hadn't ridden in it myself, I would _not _believe someone who told me that it was once operational."

"Well, that's just _great_!" Shepard yelled while turning toward the Krogan. "That's just God damn _great_, Wrex! You managed to single-handedly destroy a million-credit piece of equipment that survived both the Liberation of Shanxi _and_ the Skillian Blitz! I hope you're proud of yourself."

"It _was_ pretty awesome, huh?" Wrex replied as he pushed a button on his phone. "Hey Garrus, I think I just broke some kind of a record. That Mako thing was wrecked pretty hard, but that last jump had to be over _sixty_ meters."

"_Sixty meters? Holy crap that's awesome_!" Garrus replied over speakerphone. "_Get a pic for Off-Road Magazine, and I'll have Kaiden drink a bottle of Tobasco Sauce to celebrate_."

"Give me that." Shepard interrupted as she grabbed the phone. "Garrus, Wrex took the wheel and crashed us. No one was hurt, but the radio and most of our equipment was destroyed, so we're gonna need backup."

"_Is that Shepard? Let me see that_." Presley's voice said. "_Shepard, I don't blame you for having Wrex drive, since it's only natural for you to want a man in charge. However, I'm told that he doesn't have a driver's license, so you should've checked on that first. Anyway, we can't bring in the Normandy until the storm passes, so we'll be in touch_."

"What storm?" Tali asked as Presley hung up.

Suddenly the skies above turned black, and then an orange glob of magma slammed into the ground, making all three of them fall over as it caused a small explosion. There was no time to process what was happening as this was followed by more and more of the falling globs, making the landing party scream as they scrambled to their feet.

"Find some cover!" Shepard yelled amid the explosions.

She and Tali started running for the mountain that the Mako slid down, and Wrex followed, but then there was an even larger impact between them. Shepard and Tali were thrown forward where they crashed to the ground and slid to a stop against the base of the mountain. Wrex, however, had been cut off as the magma glob spread out to trap him near the Mako. There was no way to get to him, and now the globs were raining down even harder. Not wanting to leave one of her people behind, Shepard got to her feet and started searching for a path or something, and Tali had to tackle her to save her from another direct impact.

The Quarian dragged her underneath a small overhanging rock formation, and they watched as Wrex ran back over to the Mako. He ripped off a piece of armor and held it over his head as he ran behind a large series of rocks, but then he vanished from sight.

"Wrex!" Shepard yelled. "We have to save him!"

"We can't do anything, Shepard!" Tali argued. "Come on, we have to get out of here!"

The magma from the globs was slowly spreading across the ground, giving the two of them no choice but to make a run for it. There were enough rock formations along the base of the mountain to provide at least a little bit of cover for them as they ran, but the magma was pooling up fast, and soon they were forced to start climbing up the mountain. It was a pretty shallow incline, but the constantly impacting globs made it much more difficult. Thankfully there was a large ledge only a few more meters up, and Shepard reached it first, so she helped Tali up.

They were safe from the pooling magma below, but there didn't seem to be any protection from the falling globs up there – that is, until they saw something that gave them hope. There appeared to be a small structure that had been set right into the side of the mountain so that the globs couldn't hit it, so the two of them continued to dodge the storm as they ran toward it. The door slid open automatically as they approached, and once inside, they dropped to their knees in order to catch their breath as the door closed again.

"I think we're safe." Shepard said as they got up.

"Yes, it seems that way." Tali replied. "But what is this place?"

The structure they had entered was illuminated by fluorescent bulbs across the ceiling, so they had no trouble seeing all of the scientific and medical equipment that lined the walls. However, the most noticeable thing was the man lying on some kind of examination bed. They got closer to investigate, and saw that the man appeared to be in some kind of a coma. That, and he was hooked up to a machine that was monitoring his vitals.

"This is strange, Shepard." Tali said as she looked at it. "These instruments aren't registering any heartbeat or brain activity. I mean, I'm no doctor, but it looks like he's brain-dead."

"No one should be made to suffer like that." Shepard replied. "Let's pull the plug, Tali – it's the right thing to do."

Tali nodded sadly to her, and they held hands as Shepard reached up to turn off the machine. A flip of the switch later the power was off, and Shepard and Tali hugged, saddened, but knowing in their hearts that they did the right thing.

"Hey, who are you?" A woman asked as she entered from the next room. "And what are – _what the fuck_?!"

She pushed them out of the way as she ran over to the examination table, and the woman just stood there with her jaw hanging open once she realized what had happened.

"His suffering is over now." Shepard explained. "I know it's hard to let go of a loved one in this kind of situation, but soon you'll realize that this was the best thing for him."

"The best thing?" The woman asked in disbelief. "The best thing?! He was in stasis to have a _Gall-stone _removed, you fucking asshole! What kind of a sick fucking childhood did you have where you'd think it was okay to come in here and do something like that?!"

She suddenly punched Shepard in the mouth, making her stumble backwards and fall on the floor, mostly from surprise. The woman was uncontrollably angry now as she started toward Shepard to continue her attack, but then her anger melted into fear when she found the barrel of Tali's pistol being pressed up into her jaw.

"I don't fucking think so, you bosch'tet." The Quarian said as she pulled back the hammer. "Now put your hands up, and get back against the wall."

"But she killed my patient!" The woman protested as she was backed up.

"I don't care if she butt-raped your grandfather with a broom. You will remain calm and respectful at all times when talking to Shepard, unless you're a male member of the Normandy's crew, in which case I can't do anything about that for some reason. Now get on your hands and knees, and beg for her forgiveness."

The woman started to argue, but then Tali hit her in the side of the head with her pistol, making her stumble sideways and fall over.

"Tali, calm down." Shepard ordered as she got up. "Look, um, doctor, we're sorry for any trouble that we caused here, but we're on an important mission, and it sounds like the storm's passing, so we're just gonna go."

"Go?!" The woman yelled as she got up. "You broke into my lab, murdered my patient, and assaulted me, and now you think that you're just gonna leave scott-free?! I'm gonna call the Alliance, then I'm gonna call the Citadel, and _then_ I'm gonna call my lawyer! When I'm done suing the living shit out of you, you're not going to have a dime to your name! You're gonna need a-

Her ranting was stopped as Shepard came forward and punched her in the mouth, making her fall back to the floor. Then she took out her own pistol and pointed it at the woman's face while putting her foot on her chest.

"You won't do _shit _to me." She hissed. "Yes I broke in, yes I _inadvertently_ killed your patient, and yes we kicked your ass, but that sucks for you because this is all above-board – I'm a Council Spectre."

"A Spectre?" The woman asked. "In that case, all is forgiven. You can leave in peace, and thank you very much for not shooting me."

Shepard nodded as she lowered her weapon, and the woman ran off into the next room the moment her chest was no longer being stepped on. She and Tali holstered their weapons a moment later, and it really did sound like the storm was passing, so they started toward the door.

"Thanks for having my back, Tali." Shepard said as she opened the door.

"No problem, Shepard." Tali replied as they stepped outside. "We girls need to stick together, and as long as we're a team there is no obstacle we can't overcome, or enemy that we can't conquer – except, maybe for _them_."

They stopped walking as Tali pointed forward, and Shepard gasped when she saw that they were surrounded by over a dozen armed Geth units. They quickly put up their hands as the machines closed in, and soon they were helpless as their weapons were taken away.

"Greetings, human female." The Geth leader said as it walked up to her. "This unit is _very_ pleased to see you again, since our encounter on Eden Prime was cut short."


	21. Ch 20 Geth In The Ruins

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Twenty: Geth In The Ruins**

"I don't understand." Commander Shepard said as she and Tali were marched away from the structure. "How can you be the same Geth that I met on Eden Prime? I destroyed that unit."

"This unit is merely a mobile platform for the programs within." The Geth leader replied. "In other words, this unit cannot be simpin when it is out street-pimpin."

Shepard was trying to understand the meaning of the Geth's strange words, but then she forgot all about it when they suddenly came to a large cave. Her attempt to stop walking was met with a hard push from behind, and being unarmed, she and Tali had no choice but to keep moving forward. However, they had not even been walking for a whole minute when a large and very old looking ruin came into view. It looked like a skyscraper that had been somehow buried within the cavern, with open access to the many levels that stretched both up and down as far as they could see.

"The prisoners will cease forward movement." The leader said, making them stop. "The human female will now watch as this unit makes the creator-scumbag pay for the treachery of her kind."

It suddenly grabbed Tali by the arm as it sat down on a nearby rock, making her cry out in surprise as it threw her over its knee. The Quarian tried to squirm out of its grasp, but the machine was holding her too tightly. Shepard tried to help, but was quickly restrained by two of the other Geth grabbing her arms, and then Tali screamed as the leader began to spank her ass hard enough for the sound to echo.

"Be advised: This unit keeps its pimp-hand well maintained." It continued as it spanked her again and again. "Now, when an inquiry is made as to the identity of the creator-scumbag's paternal ancestor - she will respond with: _This unit_."

The leader just kept spanking her and spanking her, so Shepard struggled to get away again in order to assist her teammate. This time the other Geth didn't restrain or attack her in any way, instead shoving her forward hard enough to make her fall across the leader's long legs right next to Tali. Now it was Shepard's turn to scream as it began to paddle her with its hand as well. This was probably the most embarrassing and painful situation that Shepard had been in all week, but then it became worse as she realized that one of the other Geth units was recording the whole thing with its phone.

"This unit has an inquiry." The leader said as it kept on spanking them. "What is the name of the creator-scumbag's paternal ancestor?"

"This unit!" Tali yelled. "This unit is! Just stop hitting my ass!"

"And human female; describe the level of pleasure associated with being grudge-fucked by this unit."

"I love it, just stop!" Shepard yelled. "I love getting grudge-fucked by this unit!"

The leader and all the other Geth began a round of electronic laughter that sounded forced and was kind of painful to listen to, and then both Shepard and Tali gasped in surprise as it suddenly pushed them away so that they fell to the ground. The leader got up as the others formed a large circle around the three of them, and although rubbing their asses and groaning, Shepard and Tali got up as well. The Geth's fake laughter continued as the one with the phone uploaded the video to the net, and now Shepard was really mad. These Geth had gotten away with humiliating and degrading her for too long, and although she had no way to beat them without her weapons, there had to be _some_ way to get some payback.

"You're gonna pay for that." Shepard hissed. "Torture _me_ all you like, but _no one _puts hands on a member of my crew. You think you're _so_ tough with your guns and your armor, but let's see how good you are in a _fair_ fight. Therefore, I challenge you to a, um, uh, challenge you to a, um-

"A dance-off." Tali suggested.

"A dance off!"

No sooner had those words left Shepard's mouth, when she gasped as she realized that she had made a very serious mistake. It wasn't that she was scared of the Geth or anything, it was just that she had absolutely no talent whatsoever when it came to dancing. Maybe she would get lucky and the machine would refuse her challenge, or maybe combat drones like the Geth weren't even programmed for such things in the first place.

"This unit accepts the challenge." The leader replied. "Little does the human female know that in addition to combat, this unit is programed to be super-groovy and funky-fresh. Hit it."

Suddenly the chest compartment of one of the other Geth units popped open, revealing a set of speakers that began to emanate a catchy beat similar to the music that had been coming from the giant ship they had seen on Eden Prime. As for the leader, it started off slow, doing a simple routine as it moved with the music until it stopped and motioned for Shepard to make her attempt. She started to sweat as everyone stood there waiting, and the only thing she could think to do was a kind of half-ass river dance routine.

"Oh damn, I didn't know a, um, river flowed through here!" Tali said in desperation as Shepard began to do the ankle-pull. "Oh shit, and now it's like she's, um, kneeing you – from a long distance. Yeah, um, so take that you bosch'tets."

Shepard stopped, and the Geth leader immediately dropped to the floor and began to do the coffee-grinder before turning itself into a whirling tornado that spun around a bunch of times and ended with it laying prone while bouncing only on its left hand. The other Geth applauded, as did Tali for a second before Shepard glared at her. Once again it was Shepard's turn, but luckily she had a secret weapon. Locking her eyes on the Geth leader, she put her right hand on her hip so that it made a circle, and then she held out her other arm to the side as if it were a snake. Finally she tilted sideways for a second, making all the Geth take a startled step back.

"A teapot!" Tali exclaimed. "Shepard just transformed into a damn_ teapot _before our very eyes!"

She had hoped that this would be enough to defeat the Geth leader, but instead it jumped right back in and began a routine consisting of backflips, the worm, and even spinning on its head for several seconds. When this routine had stopped, Shepard had nothing left, and the Geth all seemed to know this, indicated by their forced electronic laughter. The leader sat back down and pointed to the two girls before patting its lap, but then two of the other Geth units made a kind of electronic screeching sound as something heavy fell on top of them. Some dust was kicked up by the impact, but when it cleared, everyone saw that the two units were scrap, and standing on top of their broken remains was a very big and very angry looking Krogan.

"I hope you tincans don't think this is over." Wrex growled as he stepped forward. "You haven't dealt with _me_ yet."

"Urdnot Wrex a.k.a. _Dr. Aquafresh_!" The Geth leader exclaimed. "Ever since beginning the invasion, this unit has dreamed of facing the three-time winner of the_ Galactic Breakdance Competition_. Do your worst."

"Hmph, with pleasure. Prepare to be served."

Shepard kind of expected him to shoot the Geth, being that he still had his shotgun, but instead he dropped the weapon and did a better version of a river dance that moved into a hand stand where he did the same moves with his arms. This became a backwards worm, followed by a whirling tornado that was much faster than the one the Geth leader had done earlier, and ended with him bouncing on his head instead of his hand. The perfect moves just kept going and going for more than ten minutes until Wrex finally stopped, and instead of dancing - the Geth leader took its weapon and shot itself in the head. The other Geth all did the same a moment later, and Wrex took a bow, for he was truly the greatest break-dancer in the known galaxy.

"We get it, he's good." Tali said with an annoyed tone. "Moving on."

"Wrex, I never thought I would be happy to see you." Shepard replied. "But how did you get here? Not that I'm complaining, but with the storm and all, how did you even _find_ this place?"

"Actually it was pretty easy." The Krogan replied. "After I grabbed that armor from the Mako, I ran around some rocks and found an entrance into the level of these ruins right above this one. I thought the storm would last a while, so I took a nap, and when I woke up you two were having some kind of dance-off with the Geth."

Shepard looked up, and could just barely see the edge of the Mako tank through the entrance Wrex was pointing to. But then the light faded as the sky once again became black, and she had to dive out of the way as a glob of magma flew in through the entrance above. The only logical place to seek shelter was on the ruins where Wrex had come from, so they ran across a small walkway, only to have it crumble and fall when it was hit by a glob. This also happened to the one that led to the upper entrance, leaving them trapped since the chasm between the ruins and the cavern's floor was too wide to jump.

The falling globs also gave off light as they pooled on the ground, replacing the light that was lost by the darkening sky. They had no choice now but to find another exit through the ruins, although none of them had the slightest idea where they were or where they were supposed to go in order to find Liara.


	22. Ch 21 Liara

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Twenty One: Liara**

Since most of their equipment had been lost with the Mako tank, including flashlights, everyone was worried that they would not be able to see once they were away from the orange light from the falling globs. However once they moved deeper into the structure, they found that lights were already set up. In fact there were so many lights that the whole interior of the ruins was lit up perfectly. There were also tools laying around near areas that were being excavated, while several Prothean artifacts had been tagged and set aside for cataloging.

"A dig site?" Commander Shepard asked as she looked around. "No - no way did we get that lucky."

"What's that thing, Tali?" Wrex asked.

Shepard turned toward the Quarian, and saw that she was messing with a small metallic object. It looked almost brand new, so it couldn't have come from these ruins.

"Oh, this is a Geth data core." Tali explained. "I took it from the Geth leader after it shot itself, and I'm hoping that it will be enough to satisfy the requirements of my pilgrimage."

"Your pilgrimage?" Shepard asked. "What's that?"

"It's what I was doing when I found the evidence against Saren. Space and resources are limited on the Quarian Flotilla, so when my people reach maturity, we need to prove that we will be an asset instead of a burden. To accomplish this, we are sent alone into the galaxy and we are not permitted to return until we find something that will help our society as a whole. Sure, the pilgrims are usually naive and unprepared to be on our own, so most of us end up getting raped or murdered, but what can you do?"

Tali clipped the data core onto her belt and started to resume looking around, but Shepard stopped her.

"Hold on a second." She said. "Are you telling me that the day you become an adult, you just get tossed into the galaxy on your own? What if you get killed or sold into slavery? What if you never find anything; are you just banished forever? And most importantly, what about this whole pilgrimage thing sounds like anything _close_ to a good idea?"

"It's not _that_ bad, Shepard." The Quarian replied. "I escaped from the Batarian slavers, and honestly I thought the Geth were going to do a _lot_ more than just spank us. As to your other question; all Quarian females are smoking hot, so if I don't find anything I can just sink my claws into someone like Engineer Adams and get a meal-ticket for life, but most _males_ who don't find anything either starve to death or end up doing low-budget porn with Krogans."

"Hey, it's a living." Wrex said. "The best one was that _Not Mike Tyson's Punch-Out! _one they made a few years back. I heard they needed a second Quarian to play _Little Sack _because the Krogan playing _King Dick-o _actually killed the first one during a scene."

Shepard just looked at Wrex with disgust, and she was trying to think of something to say about his life choices, when her thoughts stopped as she heard a sound.

"Hey, did you guys hear that?" Shepard asked.

It sounded like a voice, but it was too far away to be sure, so the three of them got their weapons ready and started walking toward where it was coming from. They followed it out of the first chamber and down a stairwell to one of the lower sections of the ruins, and as they got closer to the source, they discovered that it was in fact a voice. It seemed to be calling for help, so they left the stairwell and rounded the corner, stopping suddenly as they came upon a large blue force field. There was also a young looking Asari suspended in the middle of it.

"You're not Geth, thank the goddess." The Asari said when she saw them. "Oh, a human - uh, what was that traditional human greeting? Oh yeah, um, _waddup young blood? What's the skinny, jive turkey?_"

Wrex and Tali just looked at Shepard, who shrugged in confusion.

"Um, hi." Shepard replied. "Are you by any chance, Dr. Liara T'Soni?"

"Yes, er, I mean _tru-dat, homie G_." The Asari answered. "_I be creepin this joint_, and, uh, _pulled a dufus move with this bogus-ass light show_. _Do me a solid, my sista, and bust me outa the joint, ya dig?_"

"Why is she talking like that?" Tali asked. "I mean, it _sounds_ like english, since for some reason everyone in the galaxy speaks it even though humans have only been out here for like thirty years, but a lot of the words are strange."

"Maybe the force field made her crazy." Wrex suggested. "Well, I guess that's not fair, since all women are crazy, but you know what I mean."

"I don't mean to confuse you two, but it is necessary." Liara explained. "From researching historical documents from Earth, including accounts of the great hero _Disco Godfather_, as well as the cunning rogue _Superfly_, I have mastered the human language, which is nice because they are known for attacking those who don't speak properly, including their own kind."

"Look, all this is fascinating, but we need to get you out of here." Shepard explained. "You don't know how to turn off the force field, do you?"

Liara pointed toward a nearby control panel, so Shepard pushed the only blinking button, causing the Asari to gasp and fall as the light faded away.

"Thank you." She said as she got up. "I have to admit, I never thought a human would take the time to learn to talk like the rest of us because of the whole _this is America _thing. But I'm glad you showed up when you did."

"Not a problem." Shepard replied. "I'm Commander Shepard, and this is Tali and Wrex. I don't know how to tell you this, but your mother is a traitor, and we need your help to stop her."

"I thought that Hackett guy wanted us to kill her." Wrex replied. "I even brought the camera so we can send the video to Benezia after we're done torturing her for five or six hours."

"No one is killing anyone, Wrex." Tali argued.

"Yeah, we'll see about that." Another voice said from behind the group.

The four of them turned around and saw that another Krogan was walking toward them with a small squad of Geth behind him. The only way out of this chamber was the staircase that these newcomers were now blocking, so they would have to fight their way out if things got ugly.

"All right, Saren wants the Asari." The other Krogan said. "If you give her to us willingly, not only will I make your deaths as painless as possible, but I might also consider _not_ having sex with your corpse afterwards."

"From a Krogan, that's a pretty good deal." Wrex replied.

"Why does Saren want Liara?" Shepard asked.

"Who the hell knows?" The other Krogan said. "Maybe she has some information that he needs, or maybe he just wants to have a mother-daughter threesome with her and Benezia - probably both. So are you gonna hand her over or not?"

Shepard, Wrex, and Tali all looked at each other, and then at Liara who quickly shook her head. Then the three of them raised their weapons and started shooting as they took cover behind some pillars. The other Krogan and his Geth also started shooting as they took cover. Wrex took down one of the Geth pretty quickly with his shotgun, but then a few more Geth came down the stairs, and soon the three of them were pinned down by constant gunfire.

"You're dead, human!" The other Krogan yelled over the gunfire. "_D-E-D_, dead!"

"Everyone stay calm." Shepard said to her team. "Sure, they have us outnumbered and outgunned, but we'll probably be fine as long as we have Liara with us - Liara?"

The three of them looked around, and then Shepard hung her head as she saw that the other Krogan had her. He was holding her in front of him like a shield while pointing his rifle at Shepard's hiding place, and there didn't seem to be a damn thing that anyone could do about it.

"Yeah, that's right bitches." The other Krogan bragged. "I got the Asari, and I got your asses in a sling_ 'cause I'm all about that bass, about that bass, no treble_. Now you Geth get in there and curb-stomp these mother fuckers."

Shepard and her team reloaded their weapons as the Geth slowly started to advance, and they tried to shoot them, but the machines kept moving behind cover as they came forward. It was starting to look like they were going to get captured again, but then Liara surprised everyone by grabbing the pistol off the other Krogan's belt and shooting him in the foot. This caused him to howl in pain as he let go of her, and as soon as the Asari was far enough away, she turned and shot him in the head. This distracted the Geth, and allowed Shepard and her team to quickly take the machines down.

"Good job, team." Shepard said as they all regrouped. "Now the radios were destroyed with the Mako tank, and I left my phone in my quarters. So Wrex, I'm gonna need you to call Garrus and get the Normandy in here for a pickup before any more Geth show up."

"Um, bad news, Shepard." Liara replied. "I know that we beat the bad guys, so yay for that, but our gunfire might have destabilized the ruins."

Shepard was about to say something, but then the chamber started shaking as pieces of the walls began to crumble. Not only had that, but an orange light begun to appear from the bottomless chasm that surrounded the ruins, making them gasp when they looked and saw that it was slowly filling up with magma.

"How is this possible?" Tali asked as the shaking increased. "These ruins are made of stone that's like two meters thick, and they've survived fifty thousand years of environmental punishment, but they can't handle the impact of a few _bullets_?"

There was no time left to argue as parts of the ceiling started to collapse, making them scream and run for the stairs as Wrex got out his phone. He screamed incoherently into it once Garrus picked up, and now the magma from below was rising a lot faster. Thankfully the storm outside had stopped again, but now the caverns were shaking so badly that a large piece of rock fell across the chasm like a bridge that conveniently replaced the walkway that had collapsed earlier.

There was no way to climb back up to the entrance that Wrex had found earlier, so the four of them ran back toward the cave that the Geth had used, but even when they got outside the shaking from the ruins was still affecting them. Magma was starting to flow over the hardened pathways that were really the only way to go anywhere on this planet, leaving them trapped as the magma got closer and closer.

"There's nowhere left to go!" Liara yelled. "We're trapped, and we'll all be burned alive!"

"I hate this story!" Tali yelled.

The magma was only a few meters from their boots when the clouds parted as the Normandy flew in, and everyone cheered as it got down low enough for them to jump onto the cargo ramp. However, the cut-scene chose not to show them actually getting onboard, so let's just all assume that they escaped unharmed.


	23. Ch 22 Leaving Therum

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Twenty Two: Leaving Therum**

Commander Shepard and Liara watched on the screen in the comm room as the highest parts of the Prothean ruins sank into the rising magma. This was certainly not going to go over well with the council, but there was honestly nothing that anyone could've done to prevent it.

"Don't worry, Shepard." Liara said. "Eventually the magma will harden, and the ruins can be discovered all over again. It may take a few thousand years, but what can you do?"

Shepard nodded as she realized that the Asari was right. The ruins had been there for fifty thousand years, and had probably been buried before, so everything was still good. The Council would just have to be patient and get whatever Prothean secrets were waiting within at a later time. Besides, it's not like the planet was going anywhere.

"_Um, Commander_." Joker's voice said over the intercom. "_The magma on the planet's surface is still rising, and I'm getting some pretty unstable readings_."

"Tell your pilot not to worry." Liara explained. "There is no way for a planet like this to generate enough magma to increase its mass beyond its orbital threshold."

Suddenly the screen changed to show that the now significantly larger planet had stopped rotating as its orbit deteriorated. It then began to move away from the Normandy at faster and faster speeds until it vanished in a small flash of light upon crashing into the system's star.

"At least – in theory." Liara continued as Shepard hung her head.

Shepard slowly walked over to her chair, and kind of crashed into it more than sitting down on her own power. She could've explained the temporary loss of some ruins to the Council, but the loss of an entire planet was a different deal. There was no more time to think about this as one by one the important people on the ship filed into the room, and once they were all sitting down it was time for the mission debriefing to begin.

"I still don't see what the point of that was, Garrus." Kaiden said. "Fifteen hours – fifteen _damn_ hours of watching those movies, and all the man ever did was kick people and scream."

"What more do you want?" Garrus replied. "Well, I guess if you _really_ need variety that badly, we could always try the first season of _Quantum Leap_."

"He's not ready for that, Garrus." Wrex protested. "I know this is a desperate case, but exposure to that much raw-awesome at his level could destroy his mind forever."

"As fascinating as this all is, guys." Shepard interrupted. "We need to get this debriefing started, and we also have a new crewmember to welcome. Everyone, this is Dr. Liara T'Soni, and expert on Protheans, and the daughter of Matriarch Benezia."

Liara stood up for a second to give a polite wave at everyone, and then she sat back down just as quickly.

"Hey, didn't Hackett want us to do a snuff film with her or something?" Presley asked.

"No, that plan is off the table." Shepard replied. "Liara has agreed to help us stop her mother's evil ways, and her knowledge of Prothean – everything will certainly assist us in finding this conduit thing that Saren is after. Why, I bet she even found some things on Therum that will give us some answers, didn't you, Liara?"

"Well, I don't know anything about a conduit." The Asari began. "But I've learned that the Protheans didn't simply vanish. According to my research, they had their shit raped by a race of machines called the Reapers, whose sole purpose was to kick ass and chew bubblegum - and apparently they were all out of bubblegum. Then the Reapers just left - weird, huh?"

"_Sorry to interrupt, Commander_." Joker's voice said. "_The Council is asking to speak to you, and they say it's urgent. Should I patch them through_?"

"Oh, great, more good news." She replied. "I'll take it in here, Joker. Well, I guess that's it for the debriefing, so you're all dismissed."

Everyone except Liara got up and slowly made their way out of the comm room as Shepard tried to think of a way to explain what had happened to the ruins - as well as the planet. But hey, maybe they hadn't found out about that yet, and they would be so distracted by her success in finding Liara that they wouldn't even bring it up. There was only one way to find out, so she motioned for the Asari to come closer as she pushed the button.

"Shepard, you have _got_ to be shitting me!" The Turian Councilor yelled as he and the others appeared. "I could understand losing some ancient ruins that were probably crumbling after fifty thousand years, but how in the blue fuck did you manage to destroy an entire planet?! What, did you Humans build the frickin _Death Star _while we weren't looking?!"

"It's not like that at all, Councilor." Shepard explained. "With all of the horrible things that my team went through on Therum, we remained vigilant and on-task the whole time, and look, we _even_ succeeded in retrieving Liara T'Soni."

"Hello." Liara said nervously.

"Vigilant and on-task, were you?" The Salarian Councilor asked as he activated his Omni-tool. "Then how do you explain this broadcast that was recently beamed onto the net from Therum?"

He brought up a file, and then some really cheesy music started to play as a smacking sound could be heard along with Shepard and Tali's voices crying out.

"_Presenting the latest in Gangsta Gizzeth Adult-Audio_." A Geth voice announced. "_This unit brings you 'Organic Ho's IV' starring recent net-sensation, Jane Shepard_."

"_Describe the pleasure of this unit, human female_." Another Geth voice said.

"_I love being fucked by this unit_!" Shepard's voice yelled.

"This is, um, not what it looks like." Shepard said nervously as the Councilor stopped the playback. "I swear, I'm gonna get that damn Geth for this."

"That would be fitting, Commander." The Asari Councilor replied. "Since it seems that it already _got_ _you_ a few times."

The other Councilors laughed as they each gave her a high-five, but then they became serious again a second later.

"Your odd sexual lifestyle aside, you succeeded in your mission." The Turian Councilor said. "Let's just hope that stopping Saren is worth the loss of the planet Therum. Council out."

Shepard gave them the finger once their image had faded away, and then she turned to Liara.

"Well, this is just _great_." She said. "So far I've been sexually exploited by the Geth twice, kidnapped by lunatics, punched by a doctor, and I also blew up a planet, but I still don't know _anything_ about what Saren's up to. My only clue was the vision I got from that stupid Prothean beacon on Eden Prime, and that made about as much sense as a solar-powered night light."

"A Prothean beacon, you say?" Liara asked. "Those things were meant to beam information directly into the mind, but you're lucky if you could understand it at all. In fact, I heard that when your people found those ruins on Mars, the first guy who tried to use _that_ beacon turned inside out and exploded. However, I might be able to help you with it."

Liara motioned for her to follow as she sat down, and Shepard sat in the chair next to her so that they were facing each other.

"I have extensive knowledge of the Prothean race." The Asari continued. "If I join my mind with yours, then together we might have a chance to understand what it was trying to tell you."

"Wait, join my mind with yours?" Shepard asked. "That sounds pretty risky. Is it safe?"

"Of course it's safe – perfectly safe – I mean, there's a _tiny_ chance that your brain might melt out your ears, but no guts, no glory. Embrace eternity."

Shepard tried to protest, but suddenly found herself unable to move as Liara's eyes turned black. This somehow caused her to start seeing the same jumbled and incoherent vision that she had seen on Eden Prime, but this time after she saw the black circle at the end, something big and scary started to come out of it before the vision ended.

"What the hell was that?" Liara asked as Shepard's vision went back to normal. "It was like watching the series finale of _Lost_, but not as lame."

"Glad I'm not the only one who thinks so." Shepard replied. "Did you learn anything useful?"

Liara shook her head and started to say something, but her words became a long drawn out yawn.

"Oh, I'm sorry." She said sleepily. "The joining takes a lot out of me, so-

Her words stopped as her eyes closed, and then she hung her head and started to snore as drool came out of her mouth.

"Okay, then." Shepard replied as she got up. "I'll just let you get some rest."

She walked out of the room, and then went over to the intercom.

"Joker, get us out of here." She ordered. "Set course for the planet Noveria."

"_You got it, Commander_." His voice replied. "It's gonna take us a while to get there, though."

The ship started to vibrate as the engines powered up, and then the Normandy headed toward the nearest Mass Relay.


	24. Ch 23 Shepard Gets More Social

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Twenty Three: Shepard Gets More Social**

It would take several hours to reach their next destination, so once again Commander Shepard decided to take this opportunity to get to know some more members of her crew. She had already learned a lot about most of them, but she hadn't really gotten that much one-on-one time with a few of the newest ones like Tali and Liara, or even some of the longer serving crewmembers like Engineer Adams. So she took the amazingly slow elevator down to the crew deck, and was going to stop by Adam's quarters, when she heard voices coming from inside of the quarters belonging to Garrus and Wrex.

Not wanting to barge right in and disturb them, she hid just out of sight, and saw that there was some kind of meeting going on in there. Kaiden was sitting on the center of the couch with Garrus and Wrex on both sides, which was becoming a normal sight, but she was surprised to see that Adams was there as well. He was sitting on a chair that was facing them, with Tali on his lap, and everyone there seemed to be having a good time except for Kaiden.

"Look guys, I appreciate what you're trying to do." Kaiden explained. "But I just don't think that this is necessary. I mean, the _Bruce Lee _movies were pretty cool, but I don't understand what good any of this is doing me."

"I tell you, Kaiden, this is doing _all _the good for you." Adams explained. "You know, I used to be just like you; lonely, nerdy, people kept thinking that I was a girl - and then getting mad at me because they were already gay by the time they realized I wasn't."

"It's a sad, sad story." Wrex said while wiping his eyes.

"Yes, the virgin-days were dark for us all." Garrus replied while passing a tissue to Wrex.

"Exactly, and I was a _wreck_." Adams continued. "But then I graduated high school and got a full-ride scholarship to the _University of Palaven _on the Turian home world. I tell you, my frat-brothers set me straight, and now I'm a _real man _just like Brother Wrex and Brother Garrus. _Delta Iota Kappa _forever!"

"_Delta Iota Kappa, our name makes losers sick_!" Adams, Garrus, and Wrex shouted as they stood up. "_Delta Iota Kappa, because bitches suck this dick_! _D-Delta, I-Iota, K-Kappa, we will never miss! D-Delta, I-Iota, K-Kappa, have your girlfriend bring her sis! Boo-ya!_"

The three of them cheered as Wrex threw the giant bowl of popcorn he was eating into the air, and then the three of them tried to catch pieces in their mouths as Shepard shook her head. She didn't know how Tali could stand being in there with them, even though she found herself staring at Garrus because he was even sexier than usual when he was laughing.

"Hey, Shepard!" He called while waving to her.

She came back to reality as she realized that she had been spotted, and Shepard had no intention of going in there with them, so she tried to sneak away. However, she had only gotten a few steps away when Garrus came running out of the room. He then grabbed her by the hand, and pulled her back over to him.

"We're having a party to celebrate the Therum mission." He said with a smile that made her feel like melting. "Wanna be my date, Jane?"

It was a real weak point for her when he addressed her by her first name, and she wanted to leap into his arms right there, but then she remembered that she had caught him with Ashley before. Just like Nihlus, he was probably working his way down the crew roster, and that just didn't seem like a healthy thing for her to get involved in.

"I really can't." She replied. "I've got to prepare the briefing for the next mission, and then I-

Her words stopped as he suddenly put his arms around her waist and kissed her as he lifted her off her feet. This time she didn't resist at all as she threw her arms around him, and suddenly the whole thing with him and Ashley seemed more like a misunderstanding than anything. Now all she could think about was how strong his arms were and how good of a kisser he was.

"Maybe I'll come in for just a minute." Shepard said once he set her down.

"Great." He replied while pulling her by the hand.

He was almost running as he led her into the room, and this was probably so that it would be easier for him to pull her onto his lap once he was sitting down - which he did. It was a little uncomfortable for her to be in this position since she was the Commander of the ship and this whole thing was a bit unprofessional. Well, on the other hand, nothing _that bad _was happening, and it was good for morale to have a little celebration after a mission that was _kind of _a success.

"I guess it_ is _nice to actually get invited to a party." Kaiden said. "But, I still don't see how this is gonna help me get a date."

"Relax, Brother Kaiden." Garrus replied. "You don't have to worry about getting a date, because we took care of that_ for you_. In fact, she should be here at any moment."

Suddenly Shepard felt a knot forming in the bottom of her stomach, and part of her wanted to put an end to this before they could do anything else mean to Kaiden. Who was it going to be, Dr. Chakwas? The girl with the mustache down in engineering? To them this was going to seem like a harmless fraternity prank, but Kaiden was really going to be hurt unless she did something. So she started to get up, but then stopped as Liara appeared in the doorway.

"Hello, everyone." She said politely as she walked in. "I'm sorry I'm late, but I don't know the layout of the ship yet."

"No worries, Liara." Wrex replied as he got up. "Hey, why don't you come sit over here next to _Kaiden_?"

The Asari smiled as she walked over to the couch, and Kaiden seemed to get really nervous when she sat down next to him. Shepard, on the other hand, started to relax. Maybe she had misjudged these guys. Liara was certainly pretty and she seemed to be nice enough, but some of the color drained out of Kaiden's face when she made eye contact with him.

"_What's goin down, my brother_?" She asked. "_These cool cats said you super-fly on the west side, but your main-squeeze dropped you like it's hot 'cause she a jive-ass trick. I never did no blind date before, but I hear you chill and to the max, you dig_?"

"Huh?" Kaiden asked as he got even paler.

"Dude, just go with it." Garrus whispered. "Asari will mate with anything, man, _anything_. Just be cool, and answer all of her questions with: _Yeah, it's cool, baby_."

Kaiden was starting to sweat as Liara scooted a little closer to him, but he was trying his hardest to just go with it. So he nodded to Garrus and looked like he was about to say it, when his eyes widened as Liara smiled at him while touching his knee. Suddenly his face turned red as his whole body tensed up, and he went cross-eyed while his mouth hung open. Then he shook a little as he made a sound like a dying giraffe, and finally started to cry as he went running from the room.

"I think he likes you." Wrex said confidently.

"Really? I hope so." Liara replied with hope in her voice. "He's really cute, and I've never been with a human before."

There were a few moments of awkward silence, but then the party continued as if nothing had happened. Shepard really hoped that Kaiden was okay, although she didn't really understand what had just happened. She wanted to go check on him, but it was probably best to let him have some space for now, so instead she just decided to change the subject.

"Hey, I just noticed something." She said. "Home come Wrex is the only one here without a date?"

"Don't you worry about him." Garrus replied. "Wrex likes to keep his scores on the down low."

_Four hours before the Therum mission..._

Anyone standing outside the sealed doors of the med bay might have thought that a fight or something was going on, but all the groaning was coming from Wrex lifting an examination table up and down while being whipped without the top of his armor on.

"That's right, worm, flex those muscles." Dr. Chakwas said as she cracked the whip again. "Do you like it when mistress disciplines you?"

"Yes, mistress, whip me harder!" The Krogan yelled. "I've been a bad little Krogan."

_Back in the present..._

"I see." Shepard said. "That's just - yeah, let's just leave it at that."

"What can I say?" Wrex asked. "When you got it, you got it."

"_Attention all hands_." Joker's voice interrupted over the intercom. "_We are approaching the Mass Relay, so brace for FTL. We will be cruising at an altitude of, well, nothing because we're in space, and today's in-flight movie will be 'Not Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!' as requested by our very own Urdnot Wrex."_

Wrex cheered at the revelation of the movie, and Shepard just shook her head again as everyone braced for FTL. The ship then started to hum and vibrate a little as the engines powered up, and then a few minutes later they all felt a sudden jolt as the Normandy headed toward Noveria.


	25. Ch 24 Priority Change

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Twenty Four: Priority Change**

Commander Shepard decided that she had enough celebrating for one day, so she left the party behind as she walked down the hall toward her own small quarters. They were nothing special like the ones the Captains of larger ships got; being the size of a room that was normally shared by two people, and the best thing about it was the private bathroom. She also had a decent size bed, a desk for her private terminal, and a large footlocker for her clothes. Sure, it was great compared to what the rest of her crew was stuck with, but she was the _Commander_.

"Someday it's gonna be better." She said to herself as she plopped down on the bed. "I'll have giant quarters with a full size shower – and a fish tank just because. Yeah, and a whole display area for model ships, even though I might not decide to buy any. Yeah, that would be great. Of course, I'd already have them if I was a _man_ – but what would that actually be like?"

She stared off into space as she started to daydream, and soon she had the whole fantasy woven into her head of what it would have been like to have been born as _John_ Shepard instead of Jane. To not have everyone look down on her just because she was a woman, and to be seen as something other than a _little girl _who needed a man to tell her what to do. Yeah, she could almost see it in her head.

_Time Paradox._

A trumpet fanfare played as the Normandy's airlock opened, and confetti dropped onto the cheering crowd as Commander John Shepard walked onboard. Everyone cleared a path as he walked into the Combat Information Center, and the cheers got louder as he struck a heroic pose before grabbing Liara and Ashley in order to tilt their heads so that he could kiss both of them at the same time. He lifted them both off their feet as they put their arms and legs around him, and then he set them back down.

"I'm Commander Shepard, and these are my favorite sluts on the Normandy." He said once the kiss was over. "Now step off, bitches, I got work to do."

"Yeah, that's my boy!" Captain Anderson yelled as Shepard pushed the girls away. "Way to keep those bitches in line!"

The cheers continued as Shepard ran around the CIC giving everyone in the room a high-five, and then he went up to the observation platform above the galaxy map, causing silence to fall as he signaled that he needed the crowd's attention. Everyone looked up at him like he was some kind of a superstar; the men gazing with envy while the women looked at him with pure sexual desire in their eyes, and he just stood there enjoying it for a few moments.

"Yes, you peons, I'm a big hero, and you are right to worship me." He said confidently. "Not only did I hunt Saren down and beat him like a frickin boss, but then I fucked him in the ass just to make it that much more degrading for him."

"Well, I'm _damn_ proud of you, son." Admiral Hackett added as he joined Shepard on the platform. "You've saved the galaxy_ and _turned the Geth into slushy machines, which I'm not gonna lie, make some _damn_ good _Frozen Coke_. So in order to celebrate your _laundry list _of accomplishments, not only am I making skirts mandatory for all female Alliance personnel, but I'm _also_ promoting you to Captain."

The crowd cheered as Hackett added Captain Rank to Shepard's uniform, and then he stepped down from the platform so that Captain Shepard could enjoy his moment in the spotlight. Then he smiled as he saw Garrus, Wrex, Presley, Adams, and Kaiden holding up a large banner that read: _Shepard #1_. He nodded to them and then held up his fist so that everyone could see his _Delta Iota Kappa _ring.

"Captain Shepard." An attractive woman said excitedly as she came up to him. "Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani, Westerlund News. In just a matter of weeks, you've defeated Saren, crushed the Geth, and had angry butt-sex with the Asari Councilor during this year's _State of the Galaxy Address_. So my viewers want to know; to what do you owe your recent success?"

"Why, that's simple, Khalisah." He replied as he put his arms around her waist. "Compassion, good-looks, and _iron-hard abs_! But seriously, though, to be a hero of heroes, you need more than just loads of charisma and a brilliant tactical mind. I couldn't have done it without – these massive _guns_!"

His shirt was then ripped to shreds as he flexed his muscles, causing Khalisah to squeal with orgasmic bliss before fainting into his arms, and-

_Time Paradox._

"_Sorry to disturb you, Commander_." Joker's voice said as the fantasy faded away. "_You have an incoming call from Admiral Hackett_."

"Of course I do." She replied with disappointment in her voice as she sat up. "I'll take it in my quarters."

She got out of bed and walked over to the desk, where she sat down and turned on the private terminal. A more distorted than usual image of Admiral Hackett's upper body then appeared as the monitor flickered to life.

"Hello, Janie." The Admiral said. "How are things on the Normandy?"

"As good as can be expected, Sir." Shepard replied. "They'd probably be a little better if I didn't have Presley undermining my authority every five minutes, but what can you do?"

"Yeah, I knew you wouldn't understand. Janie, I didn't put Presley there to step on your toes, but we all know that you girls can get a little crazy when you don't have a man around to keep things on track. Anyway, the reason that I called was to temporarily divert your mission. See, an important matter has come up, and I think you're the one to deal with it."

The image of the Admiral shifted to the side of the screen as a dozen images of Humans that Shepard had never seen before moved onto the other side. Actually, there were a few more than a dozen, but still she couldn't remember seeing them before.

"Now, you've probably got two questions for me." Hackett continued. "_How does a stud like him manage to keep so organized_? And _what do these people have in common? _The first answer is that my pretty young secretary works a _lot_ of overtime in exchange for me not putting a camera in her showerhead – although _nothing_ was said about the drain. The second answer is that these people are all dead."

Each image expanded into a death certificate with the word _DECEASED_ stamped across the center in red letters. The other thing that Shepard noticed was that all of the deaths had happened within the last two weeks, according to the time stamp. There was some other information on the certificates, like the occupation block that listed all of them as scientists in different fields, but then the death certificates faded away as the image of Hackett filled the screen.

"Someone is targeting these people for reasons unknown." He continued. "But the reason that I called _you_ was because of the other thing they have in common. Janie – not only are these people some of humanity's top scientists, but they were also involved in the research taking place on Akuze."

Shepard's eyes widened as her mind flashed back to an early point in her career when her unit had been stationed on the planet Akuze. Everything had been going fine for the first few days as they guarded the scientists, but then everything went to shit one morning when she heard the roar of a Thresher Maw for the first time. They were big, scary sand-worm looking things that tunneled through the ground, and somehow they had stumbled onto a nest of them. So she ran – everyone did, but then they started to vanish like in the first _Tremors_ movie until she alone had managed to get to higher ground.

The hardest part about the whole thing was that she had been the only woman in her unit as well as the only survivor, which made people immediately assume that she had been a coward or that the men had given their lives to protect her. The worst part was that this also caused her to end up as Hackett's secretary for the second time until she got him to put her into the N7 Command Training program.

"I realize that this must be difficult for you, Janie." Hackett said as one more image appeared next to him. "But there is some good news: We've pulled records from the science team, and found that there is one still out there. This is Dr. Wayne, and we've tracked him and his Salarian assistant to a freighter that is headed toward Noveria. I'm uploading the tracking signal for the ship, and your mission is to get to Dr. Wayne first. Find out from him why this is happening, and put a stop to it. Hackett out."

The image of Hackett faded away as the private terminal went dark, and Shepard wasted no time as she got up and moved over to the intercom. Memories of Akuze always left her more than a little flustered, so she took a minute to calm down and catch her breath before pushing the button to make the announcement.

"Joker, you should have just received a tracking signal for a freighter." She said. "How long until you can track it?"

"_I'll start as soon as we reach Noveria's Mass Relay, Commander_." His voice replied. "_We're still about thirty minutes out, though_."

"Understood. Oh, and send Garrus to my quarters. Shepard out."

She paced back and forth while trying not to think about the horrors of Akuze or any of the humiliation that followed, but then her door opened as Garrus walked in. He looked like he was about to say something, but Shepard moved over to him and put her hand over his mouth before he could.

"Don't talk." She said as she moved her hand away. "In fact, don't say anything at all – just hold me for a few minutes, okay?"

Garrus nodded, and then nothing else was said as she moved up against him and he put his arms around her.


	26. Ch 25 Following The Signal

**Mass Effect Abridged**

**Chapter Twenty Five: Following The Signal**

Once the Normandy had reached the Noveria Mass Relay and they had decelerated from FTL, Commander Shepard had ordered Joker to begin scans for the ship that Admiral Hackett had mentioned. So far nothing was on the scope as they entered Noveria's system, but this was too important for them to give up. If someone was killing scientists who were on Akuze with her, then something else had to be going on, and she was determined to find out what it was. However, there was also one other thing on her mind.

"Joker, why do you answer the phone?" She asked. "I mean, you're the pilot, right? So why are you also running communications and handling ship wide alerts? What the hell are all these other people around here getting paid for if you do everything?"

"They do - stuff." Joker replied. "But hey, you should be glad that I can do so many different jobs. What if someday the crew gets kidnapped by monsters and you're left with only me? I know, you'd rather have a beautiful yeoman or a plucky Alliance tech to handle your messages, and so would I, but we got what we got - by the way, when are you gonna have maintenance take a look at the toilet on this deck?"

"What's wrong with the-

She was interrupted by a small explosion that blew the bathroom door off its hinges as Presley came flying out along with a huge splash of water. He landed on the floor near the wall, and was struggling to pull his pants up while getting to his feet.

"God damn faulty Alliance plumbing." He grumbled as he buckled his belt. "What are you lookin at, Shepard? Ain't you never seen a man blasted through a door before?"

"Actually, no." She replied. "Presley - are you okay?"

"Hate to interrupt, Commander." Joker suddenly said. "But I just got a message from Garrus, and, um, he says there's an urgent situation down in the living quarters that needs your attention."

She did a face-palm as a hundred scenarios raced through her head about what Garrus and Wrex could have possibly done this time. Presley seemed fine, so the toilet thing could be investigated later, and he even followed her as she ran through the CIC toward the slow moving elevator. His wet shoes left puddles of water, and a crewmember cried out in surprise as he slipped, causing his papers to fly everywhere.

"Presley, could you at least dump out your shoes or something?" She asked as they got in. "You're getting water all over the floor."

He pushed the button, making the door close, and a few seconds later the elevator started moving.

"Sure, Shepard, I'll dump out my shoes." He replied with an annoyed tone. "And while I'm at it, I'll put the toilet seat down and _even_ clean the underside of plates when I do the dishes. Jesus, where does it end with you broads? They give you just a little bit of authority, and you all get delusions of gander."

"_Grandeur_ - its _grandeur_, you illiterate fuck." She answered back. "Okay, I understand your gripe about the toilet seat because it's just as easy for me to put down as it is for you, but why can't men wash the underside of plates? Why, Presley?"

"Because you don't _eat_ off the underside - God, woman, try using some logic once in a while."

Shepard was about to say something else, but then the elevator stopped. The doors slowly opened a few second later, revealing that Garrus was already standing there waiting for him. The Turian's usually calm demeanor had been replaced by that of almost panic, and she was about to ask him what was wrong, when she was interrupted by the sloshing of Presley's shoes as he walked past her.

"What's going on?" He asked.

"Presley, Shepard, its Kaiden." Garrus replied. "The treatments weren't being as effective as we liked, so Wrex - maybe you should just come and see."

Shepard followed him and Presley away from the elevator and down the hall to the crew quarters, where they entered the room shared by Garrus and Wrex - where a strange scene was waiting for them. The couch was overturned, the TV was smashed on the floor, and Wrex was standing near the wall in front of Kaiden, who was crouched on top of the wall locker like a cat. His eyes were wide, his hair messed up, and he was also twitching a little.

"Commander, don't come in!" Kaiden yelled. "I saw them - they used _ammonia_ to clean the floor! It's horrible - it eats through your boots! Turn back before it's too late!"

"Oh, my God." Shepard said almost in disbelief. "Wrex, what the hell did you do to him?"

"Well, I wanted to increase his training so he could get with Liara." The Krogan explained. "So I had him watch a bunch of _Bruce Campbell _movies - and also gave him a bunch of Hallex powder so he would absorb more of the life lessons."

Shepard's jaw dropped as she heard this, and now she was more scared than anything as Kaiden climbed down from the locker and screamed when his boot touched the floor. He scrambled to get back on top of the locker, only to make Wrex have to move out of the way as it fell over. Kaiden screamed again when he rolled onto the floor, and was forced to dive onto the overturned couch.

"I told you, ammonia!" He screamed. "It's everywhere, Commander!"

"Okay, let's just calm down." Shepard replied in a comforting voice. "Now, Kaiden, I need you to come with me to the med bay so Dr. Chakwas can help you."

"Wait a second, Shepard." Presley said as he stepped forward. "I just realized something: Kaiden has gone nuts, right? Then we've got Wrex who is big and scary, Garrus is great with the ladies, and then there's me. Boys, grab Kaiden and come with me down to the cargo bay."

Wrex grabbed Kaiden's arms while Garrus got his feet, and they carried him out of the room. Shepard tried to stop him, but Presley got in her way. She tried to go around him a few times, but he kept getting in the way.

"What are you doing?" She demanded. "He needs medical attention."

"No, he doesn't." Presley argued. "Shepard, thanks to him we now have a chance to live out a fantasy shared by every single man who lived on Earth since the ladder half of the 20th Century. I don't expect you to understand, but trust me when I say that this is gonna be awesome."

He turned and ran after the others without another word, and Shepard started to follow, but was stopped by the intercom.

"_We've got it, Commander_." Joker's voice said. "_I'm tracking the ship now, and we should have visual contact in a minute or so_."

She didn't want to leave Kaiden in the hands of Presley and the others, but she had to stop the last doctor from Akuze from getting killed. Either way she had to use the elevator, so she ran over to it, and had to wait for it to come back to her level. The doors eventually opened, and now she had to make a choice between accomplishing her mission or going after Kaiden which could cause a whole second fight.

"I'm on my way, Joker." She finally replied.

Cursing angrily, she hit the button to go up to the CIC, and when the doors opened again she had to move out of the way as another crewmember carrying papers slipped on the water left by Presley. This made sense because a small amount of water was still flowing from the exploded toilet, but there was no time to worry about that as she reached the cockpit.

"There it is, Commander." Joker said as he pointed out the window. "That's definitely the ship Hackett told us to track, but there's no engine signature. I'm reading life support but not much else, so we should be able to dock and board without even being seen."

"All right, then let's do this fast." Shepard replied. "Connect to the ship, and have Garrus and Ashley meet me at the airlock."

The ship being powered down was not a good sign, since that was done so that no one could find it unless they had the exact tracking signal, which meant that the doctor could already be under attack or even dead. Grabbing her pistol before going back down the elevator, which gave the others plenty of time to get ready and beat her there, she walked up to the airlock, and pressed the button to cycle it open.

"So what can we expect, Commander?" Ashley asked. "Joker said the ship was powered down, so is it pirates? Batarian Slavers? Methodists?"

"I don't know." Shepard replied. "The only thing we've been told is that someone wants this Dr. Wayne dead for reasons unknown, and we need to stop them to make the reasons, um - known."

"All right, so let's save us a doctor." Garrus said as the airlock opened. "I gotta hurry to get back to the cargo bay with the others."

Shepard was going to go back down the cargo bay with him to see what all the fuss was about, and to make sure Kaiden was okay, but for now they had to stay focused as they stepped through the airlock and onto the powered down ship.


End file.
